For Your Eyes Only;

Gold

I'm okay. I'm okay.

Maine kept on repeating these two words out loud like a mantra as she drove away from the hospital. Rain started to fall as she reduced the car's pace after seeing the traffic light at the intersection turn yellow. Her hands clutched the steering wheel a little bit tighter than necessary.

Hindi ako iiyak. Hindi ako iiyak. Kaya ko 'to.

When she finally parked her car and made her way inside the condominium building where she lived, she saw that the elevator was under repair and was told that she would have to wait—it will be fixed in fifteen minutes.

Pati ba naman elevator, kailangan ko hintayin?

Irrationally, she went for the emergency staircase and started going up, even though she knew she lived on the twenty-first floor of the building. Halfway through the sixteenth floor, her knees finally gave in and she finally surrended to her tears.

Because she lied to him.

She wasn't late that night because of the wedding collection fashion show. It actually ended half an hour earlier as advised. She was late because she had to stop by their office to print twenty four pages of the beach destinations research she made because she wanted to show it to RJ. She had been planning for weeks now to go on a quick getaway trip with him. To have their first vacation as a couple.

But it was too late now, because it says on the letter of appointment that he will already leave next week. Just like that and he will be gone for an entire year. Thousands of miles away from her.

"Wag mo akong iwan, RJ,"  she finally allowed herself to say out loud. 

She cried harder, feeling even more terrible because she felt selfish at wanting to keep him by her side. RJ is being given the opportunity to do something noble, something bigger and beyond than the society they live in, and she felt like her own worries were so insignificant and small compared to all the children who would benefit from the education and training RJ would get abroad.

Who am I to stop you from leaving?

She wiped her tears away and massaged her legs until she felt well enough to climb the stairs again. When she opened the door to her unit, she slowly took off her shoes and her clothes and brought out the stack of pages containing the beach destinations she was dreaming of visiting someday with RJ, hugging it and pressing it closer to her chest as she lay down in bed and allowed herself to crumble.

I'm not okay.

I'm not okay.

After five hours of sleep, she woke up at past three in the morning, her eyes hurting from crying so much and her throat feeling parched with thirst. She drank a glass of water and checked her emails. When she checked the company inbox, she almost gasped when she saw an email inquiry from a familiar email address.

Maine,

Pasensya ka na anak kung biglaan ito.

Hindi ko alam kung saan magsisimula humingi ng tawad, kung paano aayusin lahat ng nasira ko sa pamilya natin. Hindi ko na kaya ibalik lahat ng nawala niyong tiwala sa akin ng mama mo. Pero anak, gusto ko pa rin mag-sorry, sa lahat ng sakit na binigay ko sa inyo dahil sa kahinaan ko. Nagising na lang ako isang araw, na biglang naging malinaw ulit sa akin yung dahilan kung bakit nga pala ako nabubuhay: kayong dalawa ng mama mo. Tayo. Alam ko, na siguro iniisip mo, na mas mabuti pang mawala na lang ako sa buhay niyong dalawa, pero anak, hindi ko kayang mawala kayo sa akin. Pasensya ka na kung hanggang ngayon makasarili pa rin ako.

Anak, hindi ko makalimutan yung mga gabing naririnig kitang umiiyak. Galit na galit ako sa sarili ko kasi ako dapat yung mag-aalaga at mag-iingat sa puso mo sa mga manlolokong lalake, pero ako pa yung pinakaunang sumira at bumasag ng tiwala mo sa pag-ibig. Hindi ko pa rin alam kung paano ko patatawarin ang sarili ko, anak. Pero sana mabigyan niyo ako ng pagkakataon na gumawa ng mga bagong masasayang alaala na papalit sa bawat malungkot na bagay na pinagdaanan natin.

Tinanong mo kami ng mama mo nung huling beses kang umuwi sa bahay kung naalala pa ba namin yung panahon na bata kami at nagsisimulang umibig. Oo, anak. Bumalik lahat sa akin nung isang gabi yung lahat ng pinagdaanan namin ng mama mo. Kung gaano ko ipinagdasal na sana sagutin niya ako noon. Bumalik sa akin yung walang kapantay na saya nung sinagot niya ako ng oo.

Anak, sinagot na ulit ako ng mama mo. Hindi ko alam kung paano ako magiging karapat-dapat sa pagmamahal niya, pero ngayon, wala na akong ibang gagawin sa buhay kundi gawin lahat para hindi sayangin yung ibinigay niya sa aking isa pang pagkakataon.

Maine, anak, pwede ka bang maging wedding planner para sa renewal of vows namin ng mama mo?

Namimiss na kita anak. Umuwi ka minsan sa bahay, ipagluluto kita nung paborito mong adobo.

Pwede mo ding dalhin yung boyfriend mo.

Papa

Attached to the message was a photo of her parents' intertwined hands, both of them wearing brand-new gleaming golden rings. Maine bawled her heart out in front of her computer screen, her heart drowning on an ocean of emotions. Outside, the rain continued to fall gently.

"One...two...huhuhuhu...three..." she counted as she cried; a habit she had been doing ever since her younger years. 

"twenty three....huhuhuhu.....twenty...huhuhu four..."

A knock came on the door at 3:16 am.

She opened the door to RJ who immediately hugged her the instant they laid eyes on each other. Maine decided: she has to be strong for him.

We can do this, RJ. Kaya natin 'to.

"Do you need thirty seconds again?" She asked him lovingly as she hugged him back. 

"No, I need two nights. Please come to Palawan with me, Maine."