He Shall Return, The One That Lost It All, A Close Friend Of His Will Fall

Chapter Twelve (Part One) (Percy's Point Of View)

"What?" Nico said. "No! Why would you want that?"

"After all that I've been through, you really think I want to live with the memories?" I asked, looking away from Nico and at the floor.

"I'm immortal now," I said. "Now I will have to live with these memories forever, as they eat away at my sanity for the rest of eternity.

"I have too many regrets to ever be truly sane, or ever truly happy. I have no idea why I brought back Zoë. I just sentenced her to another death that I won't be able to save her from!"

I put my head in my hands, still looking at the floor.

I felt a tear trace down my cheek, then another. I wiped them away immediately.

I stared at the wall again.

"I don't think I can do this," I muttered.

"What?" Nico asked.

"I don't think I can do this, fight in another war --- and against Tartarus of all people? I can't do that."

"What?" Nico asked. "Of course you can! You are the bravest person I know!"

"No, I'm not," I said, looking at the ground.

Nico put his hands under my chin and lifted it up so that I had to make eye contact.

"Yes you are, Percy." I looked in his eyes for a few seconds, then sighed.

I took his hands in mine and slowly pulled his hands out from under my chin, then keeping his hands in mine.

"No." I kept looking into his eyes. "I am not. I am not brave, nor have I ever been. The true heroes are the people like Zoë, who went on the quest even though she knew she would die. The people like Selina, who died for what they believed in. And the people like your --- your sister, who went on that quest, and in the middle of nowhere, thought about you, then died to save the people who she believed she endangered. And like you, who talked to Bob when I didn't even give him a second chance. And then I left him there. I left him there!"

I closed my eyes and looked away.

"And then there's the people like me. The impulsive cowards. The ones who did what they wanted not caring who it would endanger, then go home crying about it later. The people that only lived because someone else died for them. The people who are considered heroes because they survived while their friends died."

I gripped Riptide so hard in my hand (in pen form) that it almost broke and my hands turned completely white.

"And the worst parts are that I could have saved them, and that I deserved everything that has happened since. You don't know half of it, nor do I wish to tell you it."

"You couldn't have saved them," Nico said.

"Yes I could've," I said. "I shouldn't have let Bianca go in that metal giant thing. I should've convinced Clarisse to bring the Ares cabin into battle. I should have used my water powers to get rid of the poison in Zoë. I should have used my water powers to save Beckendorf. But I didn't.

"Now tell me, Nico," I looked him in the eyes and grabbed his hands in mine, "what good is a hero who can't saved his friends, who can't follow through with the simplest of promises?"

"You're a hero," Nico whispered, "you're my hero."

"No, Nico, I'm not." I kept looking at him. "Your father saved you. You're sister took care of you. Then I came and made Hades my enemy and Bianca --- I got her killed."

"No, you didn't," Nico whispered. He put a hand on my cheek and wiped away the lone tear that I hadn't noticed. "She would've died anyway. It wasn't your fault."

"Yes it was," I whispered back. "If I hadn't went, then it would've been Pheobe, who was lost back at camp."

"If you didn't go, I would've," Nico replied.

"I know," I said, "but she wouldn't of died. She wouldn't of had to get you the figurine, you would've done it yourself, and then you would've sacrificed yourself.

"All those people who died because of me --- I'm starting to think that its best that they're dead. Death is when the heroes move on, when you can leave all your troubles and regrets behind."

Nico's eyes were full of tears. "Don't say that," he said. "Do not say that. It's not true. Life is good. Life is good."

"You really want to live with all your memories?" I asked in a whisper.

Nico didn't answer.

"Well my memories are over a thousand times worse than yours, and the worst part is that I believe that I deserve all of it."

I started to shift as to stand up and walk away, but before I could, Nico was kissing me.

After a few seconds, I closed my eyes and kissed back with everything I felt.