JOURNAL

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I was never that great in academics. Never was, never will. I never had the motivation, never had the right inspiration. I was practically hopeless. It didn't help when my downfall was further shoved sixty feet under when my late grandmother passed on. Depression set in.

Here I am, in secondary school. A new start with great friends. I was doing well, until I got demotivated. I thought that there was something wrong with me. The only thing that I could do right was fuck things up (excuse my French). Only then did I discover the magic of art.

I was into graphic designing, amv-making, directing, and above all, typography. I was praised for my art. People requested me to decorate their files, their pencil cases, everything. But I prefered to keep my skills to myself.

Then, one of my really close friends — whom we shall call R — began to shadow me. She's rich, she's smart, she's gorgeous, she has an amazing singing voice, she has a great personality, and she's practically everything I'm not. She saw my typography, and she wanted to learn from me. When she did, R surpassed me by aeons.

My self-esteem dropped down so hard that it could have kissed the Earth's core. It's kind of difficult writing this. We're both so alike, but she keeps on usurping me and she's just so good at it every single fucking time and it's like I lost to her every single damn time and I just???

I wanted to quit choir and join dance because of her. I looked down upon my own voice and I liked my dancing skills better. When I told R and my other friend, they just refused to talk to me. I was practically pushed away by them. They didn't acknowledge me. I tried talking to them. I wanted to tell them that they were just being too childish and if they really were my friends, they would be happy for me.

But no. For one whole day they ignored me like the plague. After choir practice that day only then did they act like nothing was wrong.

I hung out with R and my other friend, S, a lot. They take up almost ninety percent of my time and days. Yet they don't like it when I hang out with my other friends.

Last Thursday I had lunch with A (look back into my 'balling'). I forgot to tell them since it was from such short notice. I had remedial that day and they both left first. When I was about to leave for lunch, R said, "But we waited for you! Nevermind. Let's go and eat, S."

And then, it was followed-up with, "Yeongie, when did you plan the lunch with A?"

And I just-

It's really vexing me off. Every single time I try to spend time with my other friends, they just don't seem to acknowledge it.

So right now, it's 05:12PM. I'm supposed to be studying, but I can't because my self-esteem and motivation dropped too low for me to pick myself back up. I've picked myself up so many timed and it's so tiring trying to put up a brave front and now all that I want to do is cry and probably eat some spicy chips.

I just-

UGGGhHhhhH