She lost me

how she lost me:
  
It all started 3 years ago at my churches weekend retreat called Jesus fest. There's always a band that plays like 2-3 private concerts each day. 3 years ago it was a ban called, gods love. They where amazing, one of the best Christian Rock bands ever to me. And favorite person in the band was one of lead guitarist and main female singer Jane. Jane was everything I've ever wanted to be in life. A great singer in a semi famous band. A sweet kind women with a loving husband. An amazing family. She was amazing. I was put into her group to talk about the message for the night. I was low-key star struck. And around that time about 3-5 months later I movies again(I'm always moving) and well I was gone one of my friends name Sammy got a hold of me and told me that our youth leader John was moving to the UK. I was heart broken. He was the first person to ever teach me about God and christianity. I loved him so much. But when I came back and moved back to my home town I was told we had a new youth leader. It was Jane. I was freaking out. Over the years I would do anything and everything she asked of me with no questions because all I wanted was for her to be proud of me. I just wanted her approval in life. But know matter what I did she didn't seem to notice or care. I really love her. She's my true inspiration in life. I idolize her. And look up to her. I want to be just like her. I still do. But it hurts. But it seemed like the harder I tried the worst it got. Since she's my youth leader it's her job to be nice and care for us well we are at church. But every time I tried to bring it up she always reassured me that she did really care for me and even though it's her job she still loves me. But I know she really doesn't. Because of my past and family issues I always saw her as a big sister. But what I finally come to realize is that the ONLY time she's ever texted me first is when she wants me to do stuff like hard labor. The only time she texted me first was a few weeks ago, she had me and a few others go to the store and get some really heavy tables and bring them back to the church and assemble them. That's when I realized she knows what kind of power she has over me and uses it against me. I know she knows what she's doing. So at that point I just kinda gave up. I just don't think she really cares. So even though we aren't close I'm just gonna leave it for what it is. Witch isn't good at all. It's really hard to be around her she doesn't really know I feel all this. I mean she kinda dose but the sad and awful part is kind of a secret only like 1 other person besides myself knows. But yeah. That's all of it. That's how she when from being my role model in life to someone who hurts me without knowing it. Jane missed her chances with me. I don't think we'll ever be friends, and I think I'm 100% ok with that. I'm over it. She lost me and that's that.