Miss Jackson 2: Mrs. Urie

Chapter 28: I forgive him

Today is my dads funeral and I couldn't be less prepared. Luckily I have my best friend with me to help me get through the long hours ahead.
"It's just like old times, you and me, hanging out in my room. We use to do that a lot before Mr. Urie came along" she sighs looking at the mirror at me as I adjust my dress.
"Brendon" I correct her. "I know you miss that but high school is over and now you're in college and I'm a married woman writing a book"
"Don't you ever think about college?" She asks.
"I use to and then Brendon came along and showed me the more important things"
"Don't you want to go to college and get a degree and move somewhere amazing and have fun. You're in your 20s, this is the prime of your life..." She fades looking away for a second.
"Are you trying to talk me out of my marriage? It's not going to work...I love Brendon and I love being married to him. Both of you need to stop coming at me thinking I will change my mind" I order.
"He has his suspicions too?" She asks.
"Yeah, a little I guess. He's afraid I'll change my mind and run away"
"I get it though, you love him and he loves you. You two were lucky enough to find your soul mates early. Some people aren't so lucky"
"What are you talking about? Don't you have Ryan?" I turn to her.
"Yeah and he's great and I love him...I just think we fell in love too early" she shrugs.
"Love doesn't have a certain time to feel it. You either fell in love with Ryan or you didn't. Being 20 doesn't matter at all. If you know, you just do"
"I do know I love him, a whole bunch. Enough to marry him now but at the same time I want to do other things, I want to travel and graduate college and meet tons of people"
"Do you want to fall in love with those people?"
"No, I want Ryan"
"Then you're fine, he loves you and you love him. That's that. So you'll wait to tie the knot but you and Ryan are both young and can travel and do whatever...Brendon couldn't I guess. He's almost 30, he wanted to get married and even though I'm only 20 I wanted to as well. You just have to find the right person"
"Quit being so mushy" she squirms on the bed. "So what's it like? Being married?"
"The same really. There's more commitment though and a lot more decision making together"
"Do you ever think about going back and telling him to wait to get married? You know just to go out and do stuff and explore?"
"No, never." I shake my head. "Brendon and I can explore together. We just went to New York City, we do stuff that's fun all the time."
"Delilah I have to talk to you about something" she stops.
"What's wrong?" I ask, grabbing her hand.
"Ryan and I..." She pauses. "I think I might be pregnant"
"What?" I freeze.
"Yeah, I've missed my period this month and I've been throwing up a lot...when I told Ryan he got freaked out and left. I haven't seen him in a week"
"What are you going to do? You're only a sophomore in college. Being a single mother isn't ideal"
"I know but Delilah if I am, you have to support me. I need you especially if Ryan leaves me for good. That's why I was asking you all those questions. I'm so afraid my life is going to be ruined"
"It won't, kids are a blessing Ash. Just go with the flow and if Ryan comes back, talk to him about it. See what he thinks. Stay calm alright. You'll be okay"
"Thank you, I've been freaking out all week about this." She sighs. I look down at my phone on the bed, it's 3 30.
"We better go, hopefully my dead dad will take your mind off things" I try to make a joke and she just smiles for a second.

"We are here today to say goodbye to the great departed Christopher, he lived a long 38 years. He lived it for others, he made everyone around him happy and he was always pleasant" the priest begins and I roll my eyes at the lies he's spouting. Who told him that shit? I ignore the rest of whatever crap he is saying for a while until I hear my name. I look up questionably.
'Delilah, dear do you want to come talk?" My grandma asks. I hesitate for a second, what would they want to me to say, I'm not going to lie to them, what I have to say won't be good. I look to Ashley and then the 20ish people and walk to the podium that stands in front of his casket and a picture of him.
I clear my throat and say whatever comes to mind. "My dad was..." I pause looking at almost everyone's face. "He wasn't a great man." Everyone freezes. How many people actually know? I thought everyone did but maybe not, I can't do this to these people, his family saw him as a great guy and I guess I'll have to keep everything to myself. "He was an amazing man" everyone's smiles return and I mentally punch myself. "He was always the sweetest to me, he loved me and believe me he showed it. He loved my mom as well, unfortunately they got a divorce after a while but then when I was 17 he came back and he picked me up in a hug, practically choking me." Or actually. "My father will be missed by many, including me." I let out a tear, I hate that I just had to stand up there and pretend he wasn't the worst father in the world.
"Delilah, why did you say all that?" Ashley asks.
"I couldn't let these people hate my dad, that hatred is reserved for me and besides how many people would believe me. After what that priest said they would call me a liar and hate me." I explain and she nods.

After the funeral, a lawyer comes in to my grandmas house and has my grandma, my aunt and me come into a separate room.
"This his will. In it, he leaves everything to Delilah...and this note." He hands me the note and I freeze. He left me everything? "And a note for you two" he hands them letters and we all give each other questioning looks. I open my letter and read through it. It's a page and a half long.
"Dear Delilah, I know I was the absolute worst father in the world and I apologize. Looking back at how I treated you when you were younger, I want to kill my old self and me now. I still am terrible...or was...or maybe still am? I don't know. I know I'm going to hell for the way I treated you. When I die, I want you to know, everything I have is yours. I don't care what you do with it, I just want to try and make a mends with you if I haven't already. I love you so much Delilah, I know that's hard to believe but you're everything I have and the way I acted, the way I've treated you is unforgivable and I don't expect you to forgive me at all but I hope you read this and try to a least think about it. I hope at my funeral you will at least miss me a little. When you were a baby I loved you so so much, your mom couldn't keep me away from you. You and I did everything together till you were 3, after that I got an alcohol addiction and I am not blaming what I did to you on it, I have no excuse but just know it put thoughts in my head that made me angry and I pushed you away. I shouldn't have. Delilah, I'm so sorry for everything. I love you to death-Your loving father" I'm in tears once I finish the letter, tear drops falling on the paper. I wipe the tears away and fold up the paper and place it in my purse.
"Delilah, are you okay?" my grandma asks and I nod with a sniff.
"I...forgive him" I choke. My grandma makes a face.
"Are you sure?" She asks, placing her hand on my back.
"Yes, I feel like I can finally be okay with him...I forgive him for everything"
"I'm sure wherever he is, he heard that and is smiling" she smiles at me and I nod.
"Your father wrote his will, everything he is giving you which I'll read now, his car, a house he bought in Alaska, 15 thousand dollars and a photo album of pictures. Clothes and such are to be donated to charity, anything his mother doesn't want to keep"
"Oh my god" is all I say. I get all that, I don't know if I want it all. I'll need to talk to Brendon about it. "I need to think" I walk back to the living room. Ashley sees me right away and I can tell she notices my tear stained cheeks.
"What happened?"
"He gave me everything, a car, a house, a bunch of money and a photo album. I don't know if I care to keep it all"
"Delilah he left it for you, you got to take it"
"What am I going to do with a house in Alaska?" I ask.
"Vacation house" she shrugs. "Why are you crying though, aren't you happy?"
"To have some stuff? No, but Ashley...I forgive my dad"
"What? Why?" Her nose scrunches together.
"He left me a letter telling me how sorry he was and how he loves me. I think that's all I ever wanted was an apology. I forgive him, I can feel myself being okay with him now and I forgive him" I repeat myself.
"If that's how you feel" she shrugs and I nod.