Lost and Always Remembered

Chapter ~14~Surgery

They brought me into this room with a bunch of silver surgical utensils and a huge round light that looked like an alien above me. There were so many nurses in that room and I recognized all of them from being here for so long. Some smiled and waved and others grabbed my hand and whispered "good luck" that freaked me out, were they doing a surgery? Or was I going into battle? I hated hospitals now, I new for the rest of my life, after this experience hospitals would be really traumatizing to me. Dr. Chambers walked in with a mask on that was covering his mouth. "Alright Jenny, we're ready when you are. We are going to put you out with anesthesia have you had that before?" My mind brought me back to third grade when I had to get three teeth pulled because of a minor bike accident. I hated it, I hated the feeling, like I was drunk and woozy, laughing at every little gesture and remark. The smell was awful, it smelled like hospital overload, and nail polish remover. "yeah, I'm ready" I was ready to get this over with before I punked out and started crying and asking for Josh. I ended up crying for Josh anyways but Dr. Chambers had me count down from 10 after I started doing that, things went fast 10....9....8...7..6..5..4..

When I woke up the room was spinning, I wanted to jump out of bed and go home but that couldn't happen and it took me a few minutes to figure that out. I must of looked ridiculous, probably like a chicken with its head cut off. I kind of forgot where I was for a minute and had that panicking feeling again. Tears started rolling down my cheeks and I had this painful, itchy feeling in my right leg. Then I remembered, the memory of third grade, the counting down from 10, Doctor Chambers in his mask looking over me under that weird alien looking light. My surgery! I'm alive!"What's that grin on your face baby?" Yes! It was so good to see Josh's face and feel him grab my hand. "Am I okay? Am I alive?" I know that sounded ridiculous but at the last state I remember being in, I wanted to be absolutely sure. "Yes babe, you're just fine. The surgery went well you're just going to be a little groggy for a few days and need to heal for a few more weeks" I looked at his eyes and stared until I couldn't anymore. "I am so happy you're here" I knew it came out kind of in mumbles because I was still groggy but, I meant it, know one had ever taken care of me this way. "It's my pleasure" he said while stroking my cheek. I looked at him again and must of fell back to sleep because I woke a few hours later to someone tapping on my chart. "huh?" "hello Jenny, it's so good to see you awake. The surgery went extremely well, you just are going to be groggy for a couple of days because we have you on some strong pain medication. Then it'll take about two and a half weeks for you too heal" I smiled a little "thanks for the update Dr.Chambers. Then can I go home?" He looked at me with a confused look"well after your leg has done some serious healing we can re-group and talk about that option okay?" I was trying to decide if that was a positive response or negative one but I just nodded my head up and down pretending to be satisfied.

"Josh" I said "I am right here babe" I loved when I called his name he was always right there. It really showed me his true love for me, it made me feel so important in his life. "Are you okay?" I realized I never asked him that and he probably had asked me that about a thousand times in that past month. "Of course I am, why do you ask?" He asked me, with a questionable look on his face. "Well, it's just I know this must be hard for you two and you always ask me that question but I never get to ask you so, now I am asking you" he smiled that beautiful smile of his.The one where his grin goes all the way past his cheekbones, his white teeth glistening in the light. "I am always okay as long as you are Jenny"he was the sweetest thing, I couldn't wait to live with him. "I can't wait to live with you" I said "I can't wait either, it'll be great" he seemed so happy when he said that, what more could I ask for?

Josh and I fell asleep talking to each other. Him laying his head down on the edge of my bed holding my hand and my head leaning on his arm. I loved talking to him, it made all my pain go away and all my suffering seem like such a small journey. I kept having dreams about us having a future however, I knew it was a little too soon for that, we haven't even told each other we loved each other yet. I was waiting for him to say it first. I heard if the guy said it first It meant he really cared about you.When I woke up josh was still asleep holding my hand on my bed.Light poured into my window and the TV was on the weather station,the weatherman was talking about how there was a flood warning for our county. I missed rain. I missed the way it felt, smelt, tasted and sounded. I couldn't wait to get out of this bed and be able to go into the rain again. Life was so peaceful with rain. I slowly moved my hand away from Josh's, I wanted to see my leg. I was feeling less groggy and wondered what the scar would look like. I hope it wasn't too big, I liked my legs. Josh moaned in his sleep and moved his head to the side, I could see his handsome face, his sideburns and beard was coming in. It really made him look older. I remember when I first met him he was only a couple inches taller than me and had glasses and beaver teeth.The kids at school always used to make fun of him but I thought he was cute and now he was just amazing, I was so lucky. He slowly lifted his head and rubbed his eyes, "are you okay?" There he goes again asking that question "yeah I'm fine, I just woke up I wanted to look at my scar,see what it'll be like, can you help me?" He looked at me sideways"Jenny, you know it's only the second day, it'll still be irritated and hard to look at" I knew he was just being protective "I know, its okay" I nodded my head in approval "okay, if you say so" he put his hands behind my back and helped me sit up, it felt good. I slowly bent forward and took off the blanket, the morning cool hit my legs causing goosebumps up my body. I looked at him to make sure he wasn't chickening out on me. I carefully was starting to unwrap the gauze, it felt like so many unnecessary layers. When I finally unraveled It, I got to the wound itself, Josh was right, it was disgusting. It was red and irritated, it had some dry blood streaks on it, and clearly was stitched up,nasty. At least it wasn't a big scar so I knew it wouldn't cover my whole leg. Josh made a sour face but quickly changed it when I caught him. I laughed, I think it was the first time I had laughed in a while. A huge smile spread across his face. "I told you" he said laughing a little while helping me cover it back up.

The days were getting longer here and though I had Josh here to entertain me it was getting boring. I missed my life. I missed going for walks, eating normal food, normal showers and everything I deserved as a normal human being. I missed my beautiful clothes, I had gotten almost a whole new wardrobe for college and still hadn't been able to touch any of it but most of all I missed my mom. I don't think she even knew about my surgery. she hadn't called or come by in a few week snow, it was discouraging. What had changed? I felt like we were getting so close again. I wasn't angry at her anymore, I was just hurt. This is a time when a child most needed their mother and she couldn't even call or send flowers. I didn't want to cry about it but I couldn't help it, even though I was nineteen, had a boyfriend and heading off to college, she was still my mother. I was livid. I think I was grieving, I went from mad,to sad, to blaming myself. She had never done this with any other boyfriend of hers.

"Josh I miss my mother" I said one day while he was reading a book. We never really talked about it, he probably didn't bring it up because he didn't want to upset me more than I already was. "Aww baby I know" he said and even just the way he said that made me start to cry"where did she go? What did I do?" He looked at me with a sad face"you didn't do anything Jenny, this is just a bad decision as a mother on her part" "She's pregnant" I said staring at the wall "should I of been more happy for her? Is that why she isn' t coming to see me or calling?"He put down his paper and scooted over to me, he could tell I was getting really upset. "No baby, that's her being selfish. If that's how she's thinking shame on her, you are sick enough as it is" I knew he was right but I still blamed myself. He grabbed my hand and kissed it. "I should call her" I said. He looked at me in surprise probably because usually I was the strong one that didn't go against my word for anything. "Okay if that's what you want" I was looking to him for approval "don't you think I should Josh?" I new he couldn't tell me what to do "whatever is going to help you heal, but you can't get to stressed out because you're going through enough as it is" he was right. I struggled back and forth in my head weather it was a good idea for me to call her or not and decided I should.