hold me (joshler)

Tyler Joseph.

T HIS ISN OT WH AT IHA DPLAN NED

4:37
i woke up from several hours of sleep too many. my alarm clock says 4:37, not sure if it is day or night. shades are drawn. it does not matter if today is the day I get out of bed. tomorrow is gone just like yesterday is. nothing matters.

people say they know what it's like. they say they care, they say they know how I feel but they don't. no one does. Dr. D says she knows what's going on inside my mind but I haven't seen her in weeks and she has no idea what is truly going on inside my head.

my stomach growls as a reminder that I haven't eaten in... however long I've been in bed. I haven't been to school in weeks, I haven't showered in weeks, I haven't talked to anyone besides my mother in weeks.

i count the stray pills lying on the bedside table. five. five days since I've taken my medication that doesn't even work, five days since I ate, five days since I left my room. the five pills are strong enough to kill me if I took them all at once, but i can't lift my arm and my throat is so dry I can't even swallow my saliva. i roll over and shut my eyes hoping that I can fall back asleep.

W AK EUP

9:06
i am woken up by a harsh, deep voice shaking my brain. i close my eyes. I am not ready to deal with him. I'm not ready to deal with BLURRYFACE.

Dr. D said not to name him, not to give him a personally because that just makes him real, but he's always been real. he's always been in my mind, there's no escaping him.

i sit up frantically and cover my ears in a desperate yet pointless attempt to lock him out.

"you're so pathetic, tyler. you are so, so pathetic. your mother only comes into your room to make sure you haven't killed yourself, she doesn't actually care. stop lying to yourself, tyler."

"get out get out get out leave me alone please." I whisper to him. "leave me alone leave me a l o n e." im speaking louder now.

--TRIGGER WARNING--

"you need me, tyler. you need me because I tell the truth. and look, there's a razor on the table." I glance over to the bedside table. there is a used razor sitting there. "use it," he mocks. "use it because you're not good enough, use it because you couldn't save her use it because-"

"shut up," I say, interrupting him. "shut up shut up shut up!" I'm yelling now. I don't care who hears me. nobody is out there. "stop talking! stop it!"

"I'll stop if u grab that razor." he calmly says in my ear, knowing that I'll comply. I very quickly grab the razor and slice my wrist. I am screaming, tears are rolling down my face and I am screeching. I leave seven large, deep cuts in my skin before my mother comes rushing into my room. she wipes a tear away and whispers to me something I didn't hear.

--END OF TRIGGER WARNING--

then I pass out.

I CAR EWH ATYOU THI NK

10:29
i wake up with bandages wrapped around my wrist. the shades are drawn, it is very light outside. it must be the morning. there is a glass of water on the bedside table, now with one pill and a sandwich. a note is on top of the sandwich.

"dear ty,
i came in last night to fix up your wrists
after I heard your screaming. i am so sorry.
please do me a favor and take the pill and
eat your sandwich. it is ham, lettuce, and
cheese, just like you used to like. today is
wednesday, december 21. i had to leave for work, there is more food in the kitchen.
love, mom."

the note has several small wet spots, she was crying. i never wanted to effect her with my illness but there was no avoiding it. i down the entire glass of water, take three bites of the sandwich.