Essays, Etc.

All That is Unholy, Etc. (by @KissingSunshine)

Hi guys, I won't waste your time with this one, but I just wanted to say that this is a portion of a full book on these types of things. It's on her page if you wish to read it. Happy reading!

I don't cry anymore. I can't. Even if I wanted to, I wouldn't be able to. I've wasted them on sappy, dramas and useless causes. So when the real drama and saddness hits, I am nothing but a dry, empty shell that was once filled with love, hope and happiness of the future's events. The vibe I give off to the people around me is false and misleading and I know I have so much to apologize for. Yet, I am too selfish to commit that kind of closure upon someone.

I don't think anyone will understand the utter bullshit and complete desert that I feel inside me. There will never be enough words or tunes that could beautifully capture the essence of my infinite oblivion. I will mourn over what will soon be memories and experiences and mistakes to learn from. And I will lose and gain within whatever choices I make. But nothing can quite undo what a young man has done to me. And as much as I try to ponder this and figure out its unsolvable equation, I wonder if it was all for gain or loss.

PRO: I understand heartbreak; I can learn from my naive and foolish mistakes.

CON: I lose a love once gained.

And once again, that simple unknown x-value has overpowered everything the other side of the equal sign had to offer. So maybe then someone'll comprehend the state-of-the-mind I am in. That I am stuck in. I can tell the short fairytale, over and over again, to attempt and ease my restless soul. But it only reopens the wound instead of heal. And to them I am just an insipid, little girl looking for attention. I see all the faces and remember how amazing they look when they genuinely care, but I see the other side and suddenly grasp the meaning of when someone is on the outside looking in. I will forever be that: no one will see what I see; no one will ever know what I know; and no one will ever believe what I believe.

And I can try to tell children of a sad, sad tale about a girl whose heart yearned for something more. So she found a man with whom she could invest her soul in, only to have him abuse it and use it as a gift for some other maiden. The spirit had already been given and it was a present that one could not take back. So you see, I cannot simply tell someone this tale, because I would only get the same response, as I do, every time: he's not worth it. You can do better. He doesn't deserve you.

Then who does he deserve? If he broke another girl's heart, wouldn't you tell her the exact same thing? So then how is any other girl less than me or more deserving of this, so-called, "worthless" young man than me? And how am I greater than her? Tell me: who does he deserve? Isn't this hypocritical? But it is in our nature. And I understand, that we, as humans, will do everything in our willpower to make things perfect, just, and right. But it never can be.

And I feel that is why I still have feelings for this young man; because we are all imperfect. We know that; yes, but haven't we realized that that's what love is? Accepting ones impurities to battle everything else that is unjust, wrong, and disfigured in the world? Because if it is, which I am quite sure it is, than I accept. I accept all of this man's fucked up insecurities, mistakes, regrets and stupidity because I just might fucking love him to death.