I Told You, Eli Oxley

Chapter Thirty-Eight

It was the big day. I was determined to speak with my dad no matter what. If he wasn't home, I would wait for him. The deadline for room reservations was the next day, and I kept reminding myself that to keep me from chickening out.

But, after the incredible night before, another thought lingered. Would I be leaving Kara behind?

JT was right about how someone never just "suddenly finds themselves" in a place or situation. There are clear, deliberate actions and decisions that the person makes to get them to that point.

But I couldn't help but wonder how I got where I was. It's like when you're driving and all of a sudden you become aware that you've actually been driving for the past several minutes without consciously thinking about it, and that somehow you've managed to get to where you are without running red lights or getting into a wreck.

So what category did I fall into? Did I make deliberate decisions to lead me to where I was, or was I driving without thinking? I think a combination of the two. I was definitely aware of the decisions I was making, but I didn't think about where I was going, where all this would end up. What it would lead to.

But when I left Kara that morning and headed to confront my dad, I became aware of everything. I had screwed myself over. But more importantly, I had screwed two other people over. Two people that I cared most about.

I had to make things right.

But how?

I began thinking of ways to escape the situation unscathed, but I stopped myself. That's what I had been doing all along. I was going to get hurt. Actually, everyone was going to get hurt, but the only way I could right the wrongs was to sacrifice my own happiness.

Presently, I don't know what prompted this epiphany, this realization that what I had been doing all along was well beyond messed up. Maybe it was the intensity of the moment in the shower with Kara. It's like Newton's third law of motion: my mind and body had exerted a force in one direction – an undeniable push of my being toward intimacy. But my conscience (no matter how weak up to this point) pushed back with equal ferocity toward what was ultimately right. This opposing force led me back to the beginning. Back to who I had been before I had even met Kara. I knew that old me would look at my situation and just shake his head. Who had I become?

***

Sorry to prolong the mystery with my dad, but I had to make a couple of pit stops (detours, really, if we are going with the driving metaphor). I hadn't been driving too long, so I pulled a u-ey and went back to see Kara.

"Hey, babe," she said, welcoming me back in her room. "Back already?"

"Yeah," I said, nervous as hell. "Look, we need to talk."

The mood, the air in the room changed immediately. It became thick and heavy and full of foreboding.

"About what? Last night?"

"No. Last night was great. It was perfect."

"But . . ."

"I don't think we should see each other anymore." Better to just rip the band-aid off quickly like that guy had told my dad.

"What? But, but what's changed?"

"Nothing's changed."

"It was about last night. You were fine yesterday, but today you're not. So it must have been last night."

"It has nothing to do with last night." But it really had everything to do with it. I couldn't get any closer to her. It would only hurt us both more.