Reflections - Review Requests

2. The Aryan Princess (TO)

Hi everyone! Thank you for all the submissions for reviews - we are floored by the number of people wanting a review! Today we have another review by squirrelg for the Otherworldly genre: The Aryan Princess by ghostgalz. The book is about a princess, Amelia, and her quest to take the throne back after her father disappears. I'm going to structure the review differently this time because, funnily enough, each part gave me different impressions. As always, I hope that you find the review helpful.

Pre-story things:

First of all, I noticed that your cover doesn't have the title of the book or the author. "Don't judge a book by its cover" is a nice idea and all that, but to most people, your cover is the first thing they'll judge your story on, so I would advise you to go to the multimedia club to request a dazzling cover.

Secondly, the word "Aryan" really bothered me, because it has connotations to Nazism. Whenever I make up a name for a person or for a place, I always google and google translate it to see if it might mean something dodgy.

Lastly, the blurb is not very telling. I actually had no idea what the premise of the story was until about chapter 4. I also noticed some spelling and punctuation mistakes from the first glance (which happens throughout the book), especially the title of your first part, "forward" instead of "foreword" - a part that you could really do without. You should introduce the characters as you go, otherwise, if readers see the need for a chapter dedicated specifically to who your characters are, they're going to expect to get confused. On that note, the names you have given to characters and places are very similar and confused me (eg Amelia, Amaira, Arteas, Akira; Drums, Drusia, Druve).

Chapter 1:

What stood out to me the most was that your descriptions were overkill. There were references from the second paragraph that were new and weren't explained, such as Yoham and M-Level exams. Additionally, the few paragraphs you spent describing Amelia sometimes didn't make sense (eg eyes like jersey cows, endless legs), and the parts that did make sense seemed over-the-top and unnecessary. Descriptions continue to be ramble-like throughout this chapter, including a very confusing wake-up ritual that repeated exactly the same words ("rise and sunshine... etc" said by both Amelia and Akira). I would advise to read over this chapter very carefully and see how much you can tone down or cut out entirely. For example, you labour over Amelia's daily routine that mention a lot of magic, yet you never explain the role of magic in this society, leaving the reader wondering what to do with that information.

I did like how you explained Amelia and Akira's relationship in this chapter, however. The dynamics were well-explained through the dialogue and narrative.

Chapter 2:

I found this chapter much better in terms of descriptions. They were much less dense and some emotion comes out from the royal family's history, which is really good to have. However, I got confused about Amelia's age. I already saw some inconsistencies in the previous chapter - you said that she was close to 19 (seasons? That was confusing too. How many seasons are in a year?) at the start, but Akira said that she was almost 18 at the end of chapter 1. In this chapter, you say that Amelia is 12, and I think that is the case for the next few chapters. Honestly, that is a LONG flashback. I would recommend splitting the memories and weaving them into present day interactions, for example, in dialogue, or in short flashes when Amelia remembers something. I also liked the cliffhanger at the end of this chapter.

Chapter 3:

I'm not quite sure what happened in this chapter. Having shorter chapters doesn't mean randomness is the way to go. Things escalated too quickly. I know that you probably want to shock the reader as much as possible, but it was too much and ended up confusing me.

Chapter 4:

I'm still confused. I don't think the plot twist is plausible, with the events building up to it. It's a bit all over the place in this chapter. The dialogue was a bit rushed, and Akira's change of character was just bizarre.

Chapter 5:

This chapter was written in a much better manner. There was an element of mystery which adds interest. However, I think you ended the chapter too quickly. There was a lot of mystery built up, and by the time the chapter finished, I was left with too many questions. Spelling and punctuation mistakes are quite prominent here.

For Chapters 3-5, I would recommend prioritising plot over length of chapter. Things were noticeably a lot more rushed, and a lot of things didn't make sense. You want to have a balance between mystery and things slotting into place. Overall, I was just left very confused that I couldn't even pick out cliche elements to make suggestions on. You might benefit from having an editor or mentor (both of which you can easily find in the Wattpad clubs) to look over your work before you upload. Anyway, that's a lot of food for thought! I hope you got a lot out of this review.