Hidden Thoughts

All Things.

Closing the door I pressed my back against it and began sliding down. 

I reached the ground and took a seat there before hiding my face behind my hands, I couldn't believe it.

My hands trembled and I thought about him, our conversation we had had over text. He had been apologizing for whatever he had done, he was complaining about how much a terrible person he thought he was. It wasn't the first time he had done that either.

Then he asked something out of the blue. He asked if I had ever hurt myself before.

I had answered with a no, but I told him that I had wanted to.

He asked me if I had ever actually gotten the knife out and cut myself. If it wasn't just a thought I had had inside my head.

I told him no, I had never actually cut myself. But I had gotten out a knife though, but I didn't do it.

But he told me a secret. One that shattered me. I Have cut myself before. He sent to me.

At first it was terrible, I as almost mourning. My mom had asked me why I was so depressed today. I just told her to pray for him.

But now that I started thinking about it, how could I have been so oblivious? He was showing so many signs. I just couldn't see them clearly. I was wearing rose colored glasses at the start of our new relationship. All I saw was a beautiful red. Only happiness in my eyes. But what I didn't see was still there. And I was so stupid for not noticing.

He always had this kind of sad demeanor. Some days he'd look more stressed or sad than others. I'd ask him what's wrong when we were alone but he'd always say he was fine and laugh it off or something of that sort. How could I have fallen for his lies? I was so prepared for looking through the lies that me might want only bad things from me, like sexual stuff before marriage. My wall was up so high for that, and it was strengthened to it's full. But this? I hadn't prepared at all. I wasn't even thinking of it. How could I of seen through his lie?

As I sat and thought about it more, the person I loved more than anything. The human who had stolen my heart since a young age. The man I was hopelessly in love with. Hated himself.

The thoughts ran through my mind and just thinking about such a beautiful person created in God's image hurting themselves. Cutting themselves and making them bleed. It made me sick to my stomach, I gagged a little. I wanted to barf, it was upsetting me so much.

I trembled and hugged my knees to my chest before trying to calming my fast breathing as slow silent tears came from the corners of my eyes.

I hated that I couldn't help him. I hated that we couldn't meet up and he could cry into my shoulder. I hated that there were restrictions. I hated that we were apart. I hated that I was useless. I hated that he hated himself. I hated that I wasn't there to stop him from hurting himself. I hated pain.

All the emotional pain his heart felt, all his self loathing, all his loneliness, all his heartbreak, all his self doubt, all of it. It made him think that physical pain was so much sweeter than the emotional pain. That cutting himself was ok.

My lips trembled and I could barely suck air into my lounges.

I can't do anything.

Tears were starting to come more fluently. Flowing out more easily.

My heart shook inside my rib cage. It hurt, but I was afraid that if God hadn't put my ribs there to cage my heart in. It would've leapt straight out of my chest and gone to my lover.

Maybe that's why he made ribs, to cage in our emotions and protect us from things our hearts so desperately want. So desperately need.

His heart needs love.

I sobbed harder. How was I supposed to do this?

I had to stop myself, it was too much. If  I cried or stressed over this any longer I wouldn't be in a good state. Mentally or physically.

Things will get better. I gently reminded myself God probably the real one reminding me.

Romans 8:28 (KJV)

28 And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.