Chapter 1:
It was a cold winter day in New York, the wind harshly blowing; spreading snow throughout the city, "burrrr." I shivered making my way into my best friends house, slowly but surely. The fierce snow swirling all around me like a tornado. I pulled my hat down more over my ears, the wind almost blew it off, I tightened my scarf a little and pulled it over my chin. Still treading my big boots through the tall snow, 'I'm almost there' I thought to myself. I looked up to see my best friend, my life, my everything, poking her head out of the door. She smiled at me, opened the rest of the door and waved her hand for me to hurry. I walked a little faster and finally made it to the door, I kicked some snow off of my boots before walking in. Took off my coat, scarf and hat. Soon enough I found myself in her arms. I kissed the top of her head as she hugged my waist. I let go of her slightly, not all the way just enough to see her beautiful face. "I've missed you so much!" I picked her up and kissed her lips softly and twirled her around making her giggle a little. "I've missed you too." She smiled sweetly, I kissed her fore head before placing her back on her feet. "Just a sec." She giggled like a child, God.... Her laugh makes me want to scream! it's adorable, I simply nodded and started to take off my boots. She came back a few minutes later with two cups. "Hmmmm. Hot cocoa?" I took a glass from her hand staring at the clear liquid. She smiled, "guess." I laughed, "of course, it's whine?" I smiled at her just watching her facial expressions. "Of course!" She laughed a little, taking a sip from her glass. I giggled, "you know me too well!" She smiled, setting her glass on the table. I reminisced, to a few years ago, at my family's yearly gathering. Aunts and uncles, great grandmas and grandpas, my cousins and nieces and nephews surrounding me. Surrounding me with questions, with hugs and too much attention for me to handle. Just like old times I guess, just like old sucky times. I remember thinking to myself, sweat running down my fore head, 'just get out! Just go away!' I thought to myself, I wanted to shout it, no... Scream it until everyone disappeared. The noise made my ears ache, made me want to scream even more than ever. So many memories, too many for me to remember, To hopefully one day forget. Tori now standing by me, looking at my dead panned face. She touched my shoulder, all the noise stopped now. Silence was all I heard now, I grabbed her hand and pushed my way out of the crowd as fast as I could. Pulling my best friend through the crowded room, making her almost trip over people's feet. She mumbled a "sorry." While trying to keep up with me, without falling or stepping on peoples feet. I realized this and slowed down a bit, and turned around quickly "we have to hurry!" I whispered while taking one hand through my hair, she nodded "you can't run from them forever... You know." I bit my lip as she said that, trying to hold back the tears. I did nothing besides start walking again, I looked behind me once and seen she was following me. Finally we found our way out of the crowd, into my room. I opened the door and let her in first slowly shutting the door and locking it behind myself, sliding down my door I sat. I cupped my face with my hands, remembering all the times my own family taunted me. My own family made me want to die, made me want to take a fist full of pills. And somehow I've always managed and pulled myself together, slapped a fake smile on my face, Shut everyone out, locked myself
In. I could feel tears staring to exit my eyes, I blinked trying to hold them back. Thinking about my scared wrist, my new slits. I pulled my sleeve up a little and took another sip of my drink. Finding my way back to reality, harsh reality. "Scott?.... Where were you just now?" I swallowed quickly, "um... Just thinking......." I kept my eyes on my sleeve, trying to hold my tears back. She sighed a little, "Scott..." She rubbed my hand, "I know you, and I know that you aren't just thinking. Please tell me what's up?" Her voice soothed me, I let the tears roll. "I'm fine." I mumbled feeling my hot tears slide down my face. She just looked down with a tear rolling down her face. I hate seeing such a strong person cry.... cry over me a stupid piece of shit. She looked up and Caressed my hand softly. "Scott, don't push me away like everyone else... Please don't." I could see new tears forming in her eyes now, "don't cry. Please don't cry." I whispered to her. She ignored my previous comment and spoke a but quieter this time, "Please tell me, don't shut me out.... I know how this goes, I've done it a million times, I've memorized the look on your face every time you do this.... Scott I'm begging you, please let me in." She told me, strictly. I nodded slowly. "I'm sorry, I really am. But I can't do it anymore, I can't. It's so hard for me to talk about all my shit. About my life about my.... Depression." She paused for a second, tears now rolling down her face. "Scott, I know you're sorry but you are going to have to let me in. I love you and I can't just let you do this to yourself. If you don't stop shoving people away, you might just shove them away for good. And you will realize one day you wish you wouldn't have. So please just tell me." She told me quietly rambling. More tears fell down my face, she's right. She's right and I hate that she's right, she's always been right but I've just been to stubborn.... to scared to realize it. Somehow I knew she was, but I always just shrugged it off. Tried forgetting it, tried to drink it away. Cut it away, drug it away, but nothing worked. I'm going to have to face it, and I don't even know how. Idk how to cope with the fact that I may never be the same. That I may never be free, never be me. And the thought of it haunts me, it keeps me up at night. I wish I could just forget. Just somehow make it all go away, and like I said before. There's no way to make it go away, it's reality. It's my life and I have to deal with it. I closed my eyes, trying to just make it all go away. "Scott..." She said after a few minutes of silence. I looked up at her, she spoke again, "Scott, please talk to me." She pleaded, her eyebrows pinched in a concerned way. I rolled up my sleeves all the way and presented my hatred for myself. She gasped at the sight of my open wounds, and scars. The tears started rolling down her face and she looked at me for a second. "Oh my god." She wiped a tear motioning for me to come closer. I scooted over a bit, and she hugged me. It felt so good to be in her arms. To be with her, it felt so so good. I let myself cry more than ever before, letting her hold me. "Scott." She whispered, "I love you so much, too much to let you do this ever again." She let go of me, it felt so good to know that someone was there for me. That now she knew it was a relief. Even though I never wanted anyone to know, never wanted any pity. I still don't want pity, fake pity. But I want love I want someone to come along and tell me that it's all going to be okay. And that they love me, that's all I've ever wanted. I nodded slowly wiping the tears away from my face. "I love you too Tori. Thank you for everything."
