For Love

Struggles of Morning Time

Janay McPherson

The baby was crying. God, this baby was always crying! Five times so far tonight, to be exact. For a second, I laid in bed motionless, praying that Diamond would just shut up and go back to sleep. It got quiet and as soon as my hopes went up, I heard the screeches begin again.

"Janay go get her before she wakes up Q! It's your turn," Nyla angrily whispered.

She was right. Diamond was only seven months so it didn't take much to make her fall asleep again. Naquan  (or Q as we call him) was a whole different story. Being two years old, he loved causing chaos. He could cry until the whole apartment building woke up. I jumped out of bed and sprinted to the crib, careful not to touch Jonell who was sleeping on the floor. I coddled baby Diamond in my arms before walking through the tiny living room/dining room/kitchen area to get to the balcony. When we were outside and I saw the sun rising, I felt the panic surge through me. My time to sleep has run out. I have school and only got about an hour and a half of sleep. Today is going to be a bad day, I can already tell.

Within a few minutes of me holding Diamond, the crying stopped. She just stared at me with those eyes. Those big, beautiful brown eyes that her and I shared. We got them from our mother and the thought of her just instantly killed my mood. This marks the the tenth day that she's been gone. No real explanation for why she's going, where she's going, or when she'll be back. Just a "it's for business baby" along with a quick kiss on the cheek. She should be back today but who knows.

"We need a have serious conversation with our mommy," I gently spoke to Diamond. It was true. I was failing every single subject, getting no more than three hours of sleep a night, and living off of caffeine due to the stress of taking care of the kids. Don't get me wrong, I love all six of my siblings but they're my moms kid and my moms responsibility, not mine.

At this point, Diamond was passed out once again. She does all that crying just for three minutes of being held. I was beyond annoyed for getting woken up and I felt kind of silly sitting there talking to a baby so I picked her up to go back inside.

A glance at the wall let me know that my sleeping time was over. I had exactly 12 minutes of alone time before I had to wake up all the other kids. I tiptoed back into the only bedroom to pick out my clothes for the day. I didn't have much to be honest but when money is tight, clothing is the last thing on your mind. My section of the dresser was empty except for a plain white camisole and old, worn gray sweatpants with a hole on the knee. Once again, I felt panic pulse in my veins. I forgot the laundry! The hamper was overfilling which let me know that I hadn't just forgotten my laundry but everybody elses also. Fuck my life! The next few mnutes were spent searching through the unwashed clothing for whatever was the least dirty. A plain short sleeve black shirt and a pair of basic navy leggings were the safest thing to wear. After choosing my clothes, I went back to bathroom to change. It was beyond disgusting putting them on. I didn't even have a fresh pair of panties to put on! After school, homework and cooking could wait. Laundry was at the top of the priority list.

After my outfit was on, I attempted to wash my face and brush my teeth. We had completely ran out of face wash and I neglected to buy another  so I used a plain bar of soap. The toothpaste bottle was half empty. With six people who needed some living in the house, it wouldn't last long. I put a teensy amount on my tooth brush. My scarf was removed from my hair, some coconut oil on to keep it moisturized, and put it in my go-to hairstyle which was just putting it up with a hair tye. My mouth still felt unclean, my skin was dry and irritated, I looked a mess, and I had no more time to do anything about it.

I woke four of my siblings up quietly, not wanting to disturb Q and Diamond. While they all began to start getting ready for school, I began making breakfast. It consisted on  Nutella on a peice of toasted bread with bananas and orange juice. All of us were dying for some eggs and bacon but not only did that take time, the smell would wake up the small kids. We just work with what we can.

"Yo, you ain't do the laundry?" Jonell barked at me.

I instantly jumped at the sound of his gruff voice that definitely didn't git his 12-year old body. I wasn't scared of him per se, but he wasn't the easiest kid to get along with. He had lots of pent up anger. And I don't blame him. Three weeks ago, he went from living with his dad and stepmom to virtually being raised by me since our actual mom was barely around. Not to mention, he's the middle child here and therefore not receiving as much attention as before. I tried my best to make him feel content and at-home but it's been a struggle.

"I know, I'm sorry. It takes like an hour for one load at the washers and I didn't want to leave ya alone with the baby," I explained myself.

Jonell shook his head and sucked his teeth, simultaneously. "Man, I ain't goin' today."

Whatever. If he doesn't want to then I won't force him. He trudged back to the bathroom so I went back to focusing on the food until I was disturbed yet again. This time, the front door knob began to jiggle. The doors only about a foot away from the kitchen area. When it opened, I immediately detected the familiar, expensive, warm vanilla aroma. Mother was back.

Kevin, my five year old brother, was the first to comment.

"Mama!" He screeched, happily. He left my side to nearly throw himself at her legs. She picked up him and placed kisses on his chubby little face. "Oh, baby, I missed you!" She cooed. Their voices got the attention of all the other kids. Everyone ran out the bathroom or bedroom to be around here. Nyla even brought Q along. I stood alone in the kitchen area. Mother began to tell the usual lies to them.

"I love all of you."

"I missed you so much."

"I'm going to try to be around more."

"I'm hate leaving."

My eyes were glued to the clock as I blocked out everything they were saying. Well, that's what I was doing until she came over to me and began speaking.

"Their clothes are stained and they stink," She whispered with a hint of anger.

"Yeah well, you try managing a household of seven people all on your own," I retorted.

That fake smile stayed plastered on her face. She tried to act impervious to my comment but I saw the way she began to chew on the inside of her lip. She always does that when she's annoyed or mad or whatever.

"What time school start?" Mother asked, glancing at the kids quickly.

"Maybe if you were actually around, you would know," I responded.

The smile was gone. I studied her facial features waiting for a rebuttal. The slap to my face was swift and rigid and my whole body burn. The scraping of her nails against my flesh made me whimper loudly. We made eye contact for what seemed like forever. She was waiting for me to do something. I stood there like a statue and she got the point.

"You know what?" Mother asked, turning around to face them. "I think we should chill today. No school. Let's just eat and spent some time together. I missed ya'll so much!"

Kevin was oblivious to just what happened and began to clap his hands eagerly. Everyone else stood there, visibly uncomfortable as they gaped at my face. Mother ushered everyone to couch and began to tell some bullshit "work" story. I hurriedly walled to the bathroom, wanting to see my face. The cut mother made was an inch long, open, and actively oozing blood. I put the water as hot as it can go and grabbed the white hand towel. After soaking it, I pressed it directly on my cut. At first I grimaced as it stung but soon enough, I relaxed not even caring that I ruined the towel. I used it again and again until my cut has stopped bleeding and was just inflamed. The bathroom door suddenly opened. For a second, my breath caught in my throat since I thought it was Mother coming to hit me again. It was just Nyla.

"Are you okay?" She inquired.

"I'm fine," I replied, my voice stolid.

"Listen," She paused to close the bathroom door. "Maybe, you shouldn't be so hard on Mommy. It's a good thing that she's back. Just apologize and everything'll be fine."

There's no way I'm apologizing. I don't regret what I said. I'm proud. I got under her skin to the point of violence. I won this round.