You Don't Deserve My Love

Our Baby

I never wanted children, it just wasn't something I saw for myself.  Kids were fine if they were someone else's, not crying for no reason and nowhere near me but otherwise, I wanted nothing to do with them.  That was until Scott.

Scott was a big kid himself and children always seemed to be drawn to him.  He could make the crankiest toddlers smile and the fussiest babies fall sleep in an instant and, the craziest part, he enjoyed doing it.  If there was a baby or child in the vicinity you can guarantee Scott was fawning over them.  He was just made to be a parent.

Every holiday and family event we attended, Scott and I were always asked, without fail, 'when are you getting married?'  And when we finally did that, next was 'when are you having children?'  That's when Scott started dropping subtle hints that that was something he wanted, like I didn't already know.  It started subtle like "a kid would be handy to have around to clean in all the small spaces."  Then that progressed into "could you imagine if we could have a child that was a part of both of us?  Like my blue eyes and your adorable little ears.  I mean that's obviously not necessary but it would be nice."  Right up to the very obvious "I want to have a baby with you."  I couldn't avoid the conversation after that last one.

My knee jerk reaction was to veto that idea, tell him without a doubt that that wasn't for me.  But when I actually stopped to think about it I realised the baby seed had already been planted and was germinating without me noticing.  So when I looked up at those soft, hopeful blue eyes I found myself agreeing with him.  It turned out that the idea of having my own child didn't seem so horrible when Scott was by my side.

"You do?"  I could tell Scott was trying his best to remain chill and not get overly hopeful.

"Yes.  I want to have a baby with you, Scotty.  I want to make a family with you."  The confidence lacing my words sounded strange to me.  If you had told me I would have been having this conversation just 6 months ago I would have told you you were crazy.  That you must've asked the wrong guy because that definitely doesn't sound like me but here I was, confidently agreeing to it.

Scott's entire face brightened and his eyes sparkled like I had only ever seen once before, the day we got married and he finally got to see me at the end of aisle.  It was my first favourite look on him and I wanted to do everything I could to keep it there forever. I surged forward, capturing Scott's lips in mine. He put his hands on my hips and yanked my body into his as my hands joined at the back of his neck to scratch through the short hair on his head.

Scott pulled away with a wicked glint in his eyes and a smirk on his lips. "You know, we should really start practicing..."

"Practicing?"

"For the baby. We'll never get pregnant if we don't practice," Scott winked coyly, wrapping my hand in his and gently leading me back to our bedroom.

"You know I can't actually get pregnant, right? So us having sex will affect literally nothing," I giggled but followed him willingly.

"It'll certainly affect me, it always does." My husband clicked the door shut behind us before pinning me to the bed where we spent many hours trying for a baby.

Scott enjoyed practicing a whole lot. He enjoyed it in the bedroom on a quiet Saturday night. He enjoyed it in the shower before heading into work in the morning. He especially enjoyed it with me bent over the back of the couch on a lazy Wednesday afternoon. I started to think he actually believed this would help our chances of getting a baby but either way, I was not complaining. The sex was mind blowing and it's not like it'd be happening much once we had our little bundle of joy taking up all of our free time.

Scott wanted to get the ball rolling right away after that and even though the nerves made me feel physically sick every time we met with our adoption counsellor, I felt undeniably giddy. Scott and I were going to be a family like a proper 'pick your kid up from soccer practice in your minivan' family. It wasn't something I ever wanted but now I couldn't imagine my future any other way.

"Hello?" I watched as my husband spoke softly into his cell, nervous with anticipation before switching it to speaker phone.

Our adoption counsellor, Julie, had called just like she said she would. There was a young girl who was putting her baby up for adoption after she got pregnant at 16 with no family who were willing to support her. Julie had put us forward for her consideration and she was going to call this afternoon with the final result. By the end of this call we would know whether we were going to be parents or not.

I put my hand in Scott's free one to stop him from biting his nails into nonexistence. His blue eyes flickered to mine as he gave my hand a reassuring squeeze.

"Hi, Scott. How are you?" Julie's shrill voice came through the speaker.

"Y-yeah, we're good. Mitch is here, too."

"Oh good. So I won't keep you waiting any longer, I'm sure you're just dying to know. So as you know, the young girl was choosing between you and another couple from Nevada and it looked very promising for them with them already having their family home and what not." For someone who didn't want to keep us waiting, she was sure milking this for all it was worth. "However, something about you two resonated with her and she felt that you two deserved a chance."

Scott squeezed my hand tighter, practically cutting off my circulation but I was glad to have something to keep me grounded.

"Scott? Mitch? She would like you two to raise her baby. You're going to be parents."

I couldn't hear anything else after that. I was vaguely aware of Scott sobbing and thanking Julie profusely for everything she did for us but I couldn't focus on anything happening around me. We were getting a baby. We were going to be parents. I was going to be a dad. Nothing sounded scarier but equally as thrilling as that.

Scott pulled me from my thoughts when he wrapped his arms around my body, holding me as close to him as possible, planting kisses anywhere he could reach. "We're getting a baby, Mitchy."

Before I knew it tears were falling from my eyes just as freely as Scott's. Months and months of back and forth and false hope, we were finally going to get to be the family we dreamed of. I was getting to give Scott the family he had always wanted.

"I love you so much, Scott. You're going to be an incredible father to our baby," I choked out in between roaring sobs.

"I love you, sweetheart. We're getting a baby. Our baby, Mitchy."

I clung to my husband with everything I had until the tears dried up and I was left with a face splitting grin on my face. I created enough space between Scott and I for me to lean up and push my lips against his. It tasted a bit of salt from Scott's unrelenting tears but, as cliché as it sounds, it was so filled with love. It never went further than two pairs of lips pressing against each other's desperately and messily but it said everything we needed it to.

"Our baby, Mitch. He or she is going to be our baby, I can't believe it."