How to feel like a disappointment

The rest of vacations (2)

After that first night, the guilt was too much, what happened was just wrong, how did I let it happen?

I couldn't even look my family in the eyes. The worse of all is that my brother took every opportunity he had to touch me, making me feel sick every time.

After 3 nights of suffering the guilt of sleeping with him, I finally told him that it was wrong, that what we did was an abomination, a sin. But he didn't care, he began to threaten me, saying that if I didn't do things with him he would tell my parents that I like to touch myself.

Several years back, in a conversation with my mother, she told me that touching myself was a sin, it was what bad girls do, and that I shouldn't do it, EVER! But obviously we all are curious about our bodies, and the stories that I often read gave me more curiosity about it, so eventually I ended up doing it.

The problem was that stupid me told my brother about it, and now he could tell my parents about it. I was so scared because I know he wouldn't tell them about what we did, and he knew I wouldn't tell them either, but he could easily tell them about me touching myself.

The worst thing for me is to be told off by my parents, it meant for me that I disappointed them. So if he told my parents about it I would disappoint them, making me do anything to avoid that.

So my brother had found a way to keep sleeping with me, keep touching me, making me cry my eyes out every change I got.

Finally one night I told my mother I wanted to sleep alone because my brother kicked in his sleep and my parents made him sleep in the pull out couch in the sitting room. I had managed to scape for at least one night.

Even so, I couldn't sleep, I just cried and cried, afraid that he would come into my room and force me to do it again. How would I ever feel safe again?

The only good thing was that there were only 3 days left of vacations, then we will be back home, and everything will be back to normal. I just hope I can avoid him, I need to be with someone at all times, not be alone with him in the room or he will force me and threaten me again, and I don't know how much longer I can endure this situation.