Phanfic Collection

Our love is

Summary: Pastel!Dan writes a letter to Punk!Phil since they have know each other for 10 years. He sticks 1 diary entry from each year to tell their story. So how will their story end?
Based off: the muse song called madness
Warnings: one swear I promise
A/N: I dedicate this to my amazing friend Beth, ProfessionallyGeeky ,
she's so lovely and I wanted to write something for her. :)
This is from a while ago!
Words: 2.3k
Damn this is long oops I couldn't stop. Enjoy...

To Phil,
I can't get these memories out of my mind. Memories of childhood. Of moving school. Of meeting- you. Am I mad? You'd love that wouldn't you.
~~age 15~~
"Daniel why can't you wear something- well normal" my mother sighed as she straightened the collar of my white shirt that poked through the pastel purple jumper. "We have guests we have to make a good impression". I like pretty purples and baby blues, but other boys don't. Maybe i'm not meant to be like other boys. But my mum didn't agree. I have always worn pastel and i'm not going to change for some guest.
A faint beeping noise started from the kitchen so my mother sprinted there. "Food is burnt" I thought whilst carefully placing a purple and pink flower crown on my head. That thought was pushed aside when I was shouted at to go get the door. We have just moved and I think my mum had invited the neighbors around for tea. I think I remember my mum droning on about how they had a son my age who went to the same school. Great. I wanted to lock the door instead of opening it. But I pulled it open to find a boy dressed in all black leaning against the wall and two angry looking parents glaring at him.
"Hello Mr and Mrs... Lester please come in" I said, trying to sound like I wanted this. The adults entered and greeted my parents so I turned to the boy. I thought I may as well try it with him, I am not one to see the bad in people. "And you must be?"
"Phil." He spat and pushed inside.
"Dan." I called after him. The black haired boy stopped in his tracks and turned to me. Looking me dead in the eye he said "I. Don't. Care." The he spun on his heel and walked away. Leaving me stood in silence holding our new front door open.
So yeah we had fun.
~~present~~
We always used to call each other mad. I never understood until now when I can feel my gut churning and burning. That some kind of madness had started to evolve.
~~age 16~~
I walked the busy halls trying my hardest to push passed the loud football players and the gossiping cheerleaders. It obviously wasn't working. I saw my friend Louise at her locker so I decided that was where I was heading. Then someone bumped into my arm.
"Watch it looser" Chris screamed at me because he hit me.
"You starting Dan? Cause you know we'll finish it" Pj added.
"Go on try me!" Chris was so close to my face I could feel my hair moving with his every breath.
"Hey fellas" Phil joined. Oh great. That's who I needed right now. "I told you this one is mine, didn't I?" Both boys nodded shyly. I stared in amazement that Phil Lester was helping me. Even if that was by him punching me himself not Chris and pj or even Ben or maybe joe and Caspar  (I swear it was different every day.) Then Chris and PJ walked away and we was left alone. "Yours?" I asked. It was all I could muster. Phil was a dick but he was hot. I mean like really hot. His earring and piercings, his musky sent, his inky hair, his pale skin and his leather. Everything worked. And I hated that. 
"That's right princess, got a problem with that?" Phil smirked. I had no problem. Zero problems here. But I couldn't bring myself to say it. My lungs stopped working my heart was- well underground. I am a goner.
~~present~~
I remember trying desperately to let you go. But it felt like I was being swallowed whole. All the late night crying sessions and cheeky looks at you in class had me exhausted. And it you noticed. I could tell as you took it to your advantage. All the time.
~~age 15~~
3am. Tapping on my window again. I opened it allowing Phil to clamber into my room. It happened a lot. If he couldn't sleep or he was bored. He doesn't care what time it is or If i'm busy doing homework. He taps at the window like a dog begging for entry.
"Why?" I whispered trying to put across I was whining without my parents waking up. 
"Arguing" he flopped onto my bed.
"Oh." I fell down beside him.
"And... Your the only one who cares. You know?"
"Yeah I think I do" then his arms wrapped around me and I dug my face into his chest, taking him in. And we drifted to sleep. Phil fell asleep first he always does. Silently dreaming about whatever his heart desires. Then I heard him mumble something,
"My princess" then he held me tighter. I giggled softly then whispered.
"Yours."
~~present~~
We were strong Phil. You were strong. I remember the first time we fought. We wasn't "official" but we both felt like it was. We both knew I was yours we just hadn't labelled it yet. And that's what we fought about.
~~age 17~~
"Oh. My. God. Phil! Your. Ugh!" I scream at the top of my lungs.
"I'm what Daniel? Wanna speak louder for me princess?!" Phil screamed back.
"Stupid!"
"There it is" he threw his arms the air.
"I gave the boy a hug Phil he is like family- it doesn't matter I gave a friendly hug and your shouting at me. I helped him!"
"I saw his face it wasn't friendly!"
"Why do you care anyway! I'm not your boyfriend" then I gasped. My mistake, my words hung over us. I love Phil and were not official but we don't have to be. Now I ruined it like usual.
He eventually replied with "good" before storming out of my house and slamming all the doors on the way.
Well done me.
~~present~~
That argument didn't last long. Hours later there was that tapping on my window. Tapping became my music. Oh we loved music. Didn't we?
~~age 18~~
"Hey Dan you should listen to this band" Phil sighed before handing me an earphone.
"Called?"
"Muse. Hey we've been friends for 3 years and we don't have a song!"
"We need a song?" I giggled
"Yes ofcorse. I'll click shuffle and the song that comes on is our song okay?"
"Yeh sure" then Phil clicked shuffle and Madness by muse came on.
"There we go" he smiled, "our song"
~~present~~
I still smile at the thought. Our song. I still listen to it. Our song. Do you? Maybe it will help with the sadness or the pain that I put you through, i'm sorry.
~~age 19~~
Back in hell again. And, well done me, I chose to study law. The halls so similar yet so different. More work and bigger halls. Which means more places for Phil to be.
I always go to him at break but today I couldn't find him. I don't know why but we've been drifting apart and I guess i'm in-denial about it. I still go to find him every single break.
I hate his Friends. I hate to say it but I do. I can't tell him because I can't hurt him, That's my last intention. So instead I let them tease me and ignore it.
When I found him he was surrounded by them. His friends. And like everyday I stand there waiting to talk to him, taking every insult, then walk away before class starts.
~~present~~
I thought you didn't like me, I thought that's why you pushed me away so I found someone else. They could never replace you, but I could try.
~~age 20~~
"Hey jack?" I shouted over the other voices.
"Yeahhhh?" He replied.
"Where are we going?"
"Anywhere but here!" He laughed grabbing my hand and guiding me to an exit.
Jack was good to me. And I loved being around him but every time we passed Phil he gave me this glare and left. I never understood that because he was the blunt one. So I ignored him.
~~present~~
We both know how that turned out. You still stared at me through your window, when I was alone or when jack was round.
~~age 21~~
I bought some new flower crowns today. I haven't bought some since me and Phil fell out. He always liked them. I was his pastel princess and I needed to let go of that. But jack likes them. He likes my blue hoodies and white jeans. He likes my pink bracelets and my green vans. And of corse I don't wear them all at once but he likes every outfit I do wear. I think I like him. No I love him.
I think for once the person I love, loves me back.
The only thing is when I look through Phil's window and see his new tattoos, his new piercing and leather jackets I break a little, you know?
I don't want to hurt jack. I love jack. I just like the look of Phil, still.
~~age 22~~
So jack is my boyfriend. Today he asked me and I said yes. I can't help but notice Phil looking at us, all the time. I'm happy why can't he be happy too.
He looks tired and drained. He wears more and more black and he covers more of his skin with hues of ink. My- well not mine but- Phil is becoming more and more punk. I guess the way I am becoming more and more- pastel.
I want to make my boyfriend happy and he likes my pastel clothes. I do too but I could wear anything else. Jack always likes the pastel the best. So I wear it more. It's not big deal. The last time Phil spoke to me he said "you have changed princess" but I haven't. I'm Dan.
If anything he's changed.
~~present~~
We both changed. I can't blame it all on you anymore, therefore you can't blame this on me. There's so many things i deserve and I can only defend myself on this one.
~~age 23~~
Today he tapped on my window. It was the only night this week jack hasn't slept over and Phil saw.
He came in and sat down and we caught up a bit. I realised how much I miss him.
It was all fun and games until...
"Yeah jack says-"
"I don't give a shit about him"
"Phil!"
"What! You always talk about him and only him. I came here to talk to you. I miss you. I don't miss jack and the question was have you seen game of thrones!"
"Well he's part of my life"
"Are you sure?"
"Phil-"
"Do you want him to be?"
"Of corse I do. I love jack" then he stood up and climbed through the window. Just before he shut it he looked at me.
"But do you?" And then you was gone. Of corse I love jack. I don't understand what Phil is doing to me.
I guess I'll just FaceTime jack and talk to him. First I'll put on my yellow hoodie, just for jack.
~~present~~
Jack never forced me into anything. I was just so insecure that I thought jack would only like me that way.
I always loved wearing pastel you know I have, I felt I had to. And like I said I never did have to. I have finally realised that you were right. I didn't love jack. I loved having a distraction from you. And that's wrong of me. Sadly I've never been able to call you my boyfriend, I've just been your "princess" and i'm sorry that the word love was thrown around like it was a greeting but I guess I have finally seen the "light." When I was 24 I had finally realised what you mean.
~~age 24~~
I broke up with jack. It's still blurry to me. Phil came in last night and we talked, he said "you can't keep doing this" and somewhere in all of it I heard him mumble "I love you" through his new leather jacket. I feel torn. I thought I loved jack. But then I broke up with him.
Jack cried to me and I got a few glares from his friends but it had to be done. I can't feel anymore. I can't see anything but- Phil. It's always been Phil. I just ruined it.
I look back at everything and all the signs he gave me. I want to give him one huge one. I guess that what this, "diary" is about, I've always subconsciously known. Is it too late?
~~present age 25~~
It might be. It might be late. I can try. I never told you that I broke up with jack for you. I hope you don't hate me for it but I did. I love you.
I started wearing more of what I want to wear. Which just so happened to be pastel. But I felt less pressure to make it match. Now I wear white jeans with green jumpers and pink crowns and don't forget the yellow vans. It just shows how I feel. I feel mismatched and confused.
So I need to know is this real love? I need to see i'm not wrong. Because look at us. Imagine us walking together holding hands, my flower bracelets against your black bands. Are we mad? Who cares? I'm mad for you Phil.
Now I have finally seen the light. And I have seen the end. I'm it expecting you to care anymore. I have finally realised... I need your love.
~Dan xx

I put the letter through his window. I waited a few hours and because there was no sign of phil i went down stairs to eat.
When I came up there was a photo of me and Phil from 2009 on my bed. No sign of Phil though. On the back Phil wrote:

Dan,
Come to me
Just in a dream.
Come on and rescue me.
Yes I know, I can't be wrong,
And baby, you're too headstrong.
Our love is- madness.
~Phil