The Swap // Denis Stoff

14

'Amber... Amber.' I hear a voice say to me quietly. I feel a hand press to my shoulder and give me  a little nudge. I turn around and Denis is sitting, fully clothed, with a smile beaming on his face. I look up to him and smile sleepily, opening my eyes and giving them a quick rub. 'Good morning princess.' He smiles. 'Happy birthday!'

I sit up and give him a hug, feeling the bracelet on my wrist to make sure it's still there. He kisses my forehead and hands me a card. I go to rip into it. 'Don't open it yet.' He says, giving me a wink. 'Wait until you're alone later.'

'Ok.' I smile, a little curious as to why. I shake it off almost instantly and jump out of the bunk, skipping through to the front.

'Happy birthday!' All the guys shout as I walk through the curtain. They all pop party poppers all over me and throw streamers and confetti everywhere. I laugh my head off as I walk over to them, hugging them all tightly.

'Oh my God thank you so much!' I am so high on life right now. The bus is decked out with bright pink BIRTHDAY GIRL signs and they clearly had a ball last night blowing up balloons because there must be at least 50.

I do a little excited dance and they follow suit.

'You need to open your presents!' Cam shouts, pushing his into my hands. I dig right in and open all of my presents up, and as I'm doing so Denis walks in slowly with a cake. I squeal with excitement as they all sing happy birthday to me really badly and I blow my candles out. 

I close my eyes to make a wish. 

I hope these moments last a lifetime...

'What did you wish for?' Ben asks excitedly.

'For you to stop being so annoying.' I wink, throwing a scrap piece of wrapping paper at him. He flips me off and sits down. Suddenly there is a chap at the bus door and Denis stands to answer it. Everyone else sits and chats but I eye the door, wondering who it was. As far as I know we're not at the next Warped destination yet; we've just stopped for a break. Denis' face turns from curiosity to confusion as he looks out to find no one there. He eventually looks down and picks up a bag. He brings it in and everyone stops talking, turning around to him to find out what he had.

'To Amber...' He says, reading out the tag. It's a gold gift bag that's sellotaped at the top so you can't see what's inside it. He hands it to me and sits down, everyone staring at me waiting for me to open the bag. I rip away the sellotape and peer inside. It's pink. I grab it out and hold it up in front of me.

'Oh my God.' Ben says. I catch Denis' face from the side of my eye and he looks so confused. He's the only one in the room who doesn't get it.

'What is it?' he asks, but no one answers. I am frozen in fear; confusion; worry; every emotion that builds up to the worst state of anxiety. 'A pink babygrow?'

A pink babygrow. And I know exactly who it's from.

Ben grabs it off of me and storms through to the kitchen, throwing it in the trash. I watch his face so intently as he does so and it is riled with anger. 

'This isn't on!' He shouts, pointing to me. 'This isn't happening! This is your fucking birthday and he's playing his fucking mind games again? Well not with me. I'm going to find him and I'm going to cut his dick off. He knows fine well he's not allowed anywhere near you.'

'I'm with Ben.' James says, standing up. 'Let's go and find him. He's fucking here somewhere obviously. I'll fucking smash his head in.' Cam and Sam stand up too, looking at each other. they all pile out of the bus and storm off somewhere. I don't even try to stop them. I am so frozen with fear that I can hardly breathe. I feel Denis' eyes burning into me. So much confusion is radiating off of him. I look down at the bag and see that there's something else in it. Denis' eyes follow my hand as I reach down for it. It's a card.

'Do you... are you going to open that?'

I look at him and nod. My curiosity is stronger than my willpower. I slowly lift the envelope open and pull the card out. It's got some pictures of flowers and hearts on it and writing that says "To the One I Love". I study it for a second and open it up. The default writing in the card says "HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE LOVE OF MY LIFE" I glance to the left and there it is; his handwriting. I feel my eyes well up and it blurs my vision.

'Amber...' Denis scoots closer to me, our knees touching. He is sitting in front of me on the coffee table and his fingers are gently touching my knees. I wipe my tears away and begin to read the writing out loud.

Happy birthday beautiful. I'm so glad you seem happy, finally. I know I'm not there with you and it rips me apart but I promised you before I would get you back and I'm not about to break it. I hope you liked your gift. When I saw it it reminded me of us, of our family.

Always and forever,

Danny X

'Danny...' Denis breathes. He stares down at the floor and then back up to me. I'm full blown crying now. He sits up next to me and grabs me in the tightest hug possible. He strokes my hair and rocks me slightly from left to right, hushing me. 'I don't know what is going on but please be sure that I will keep you safe. I'll always keep you safe.'

I sniff and sob onto his shoulder, pulling myself up fully onto the couch and wrapping my legs around his waist. I cry into his neck and he continues to rock me back and forth. 

'Thank you.' I choke. I grab his shirt a little, trying to get him closer to me. 'I'm scared.'

'Don't be scared honey. Nothing is going to happen to you. We won't let anything happen to you.'

He may be right; he may not. But when I say scared  I don't mean just scared. I mean physically shaking; vomiting; anxiety and panic attacks; blood, sweat and tears. When I say scared  I mean there has been times where I would have rather died than to feel this scared.

Denis holds me for what seems like hours and he doesn't give up rocking me for even a second. For a moment I feel positive. Positive that I will never become what I used to be ever again. I have people around me now who love me and care for me.

Love.

I pull away from him, not even caring that my face was a mess. I press my forehead to Denis', who has tears in his eyes, and wrap my arms around his neck. He gently places his hands on my hips and looks into my eyes.

'Denis...' I whisper. 'I love you.'

He closes his eyes and his face screws up. He grabs me quickly and wraps his arms around me.

'I love you too! I thought... you would never say it... I thought you would never love me.'

That sets me off again and I burst out crying. We both must look like such a mess just now because we're both sobbing violently into each other's necks.

And through the mess from this morning: the fear; stress; anxiety; terror... I feel a pang of hope. A pang of happiness, and it outshines everything.

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Love yous X