20:10pm
Hello Diary. Im Eli, Im 15, posh and jewish. And you'll be my only friend for the next few weeks. Why? Im running away. Thats why. Other things you should know about me. Im awkward, I speak and write in short sentences and I'm sensitive practically everywhere. Mind and body. Thats enough personal description for now I guess.
I just had a crazy argument with my parents. They wont let me get a treadmill... I mean theres space... In Ollie's room. Oh yeah, Ollie's my little brother. He's alright I guess, sweats a lot but otherwise he's pretty cool. But no! I have to just eat less... How am I meant to eat less with those Muller corners in the fridge. They're pretty good, and those cheese strings? And how can I forget the pepsi. Good stuff that is, like a miracle on my tongue. You've probably gathered that I'm a peverted fatty. And you'd be right. All teenagers are perverts. Or as I like to call them, Horndogs. Moving On! Time to pack!
21:16
Right, Ive just finished packing. Im a bit of neat freak so theres loads of deodorant and toothpaste in there. Plus the minor stuff. Like a change of clothes, 50 pounds and my expensive watch. Im sure I wont get mugged. It's not hard to get out of London I don't think? And then its just a trek up the m1 to Leeds. Ive never gone to Leeds. Sounds eventful.
Im currently in deep contemplation about whether to bring my phone and a knife. I mean, my phone would be good because I can listen to all my music. I like the foo fighters, Calvin Harris. The usual. Theres others, but I can't be bothered to list them. Then, I would wanna take pictures of my journey. I like taking photos. Im an artistic person. I can't draw, or sing.... But I can write.. Thats what I'm doing now, I love writing. I was even born to the song Mr writer by the Stereophonics. Its funny actually, as I write this, Stereophonics came on. This songs about Hitler and Kennedy I believe. Its title speaks to me right now. Its called Nice to be out. It will be nice to be out this house. And out of this fat.
Yeah, I weigh 95 kilos and I'm 15. Judge me! It's ok, I'm used to it. But i'll tell you about the skinny so and sos at school another time. I only learnt that phrase today! I'm so happy! I have so much to tell you. We are stuck together for the whole summer so theres no reason not to tell you everything about Eli Green. I don't have a middle name in case you were curious?
On that note I should probably give you a name. It needs to have meaning. Im going to the internet to find you a name.Where else would I go? A dictionary? No sir. I hate reading.
I've found a website called Mumsnet. Presumably for parents who cant decide on what to name their kids. And there a box with various options claiming that it would find the perfect name if I answered some questions. Right, question 1. What job do I think it will be. Hmmm. I can immediately see that gynaecologist is an option. My inner immature teenager wants me to click it. Done. Next! It now says I should decide what my baby should wear. Next? No! Asda? They must be joking. I think fat face. After all, I have one so it fits. Pardon the pun. If you don't get it diary, it's a joke on how I wont fit in to anything... Get it now? I can literally feel the Jewish Gods disappointment in my glorious puns. Sorry Big H! Thats Hashems nickname. Hashem is the name of the Jewish god. And thats given me an idea. Screw this quiz. Hashem is perfect for you! People confide in God, and I'm confiding in you. So your Big H. I might as well finish this quiz though. Um question 3 says, where will my baby shop. Theres a Co Op near my house. So I guess that will do. Final on. What biscuits will my baby like. Im picking Jaffa cakes because I'm a contrarian who's perfectly aware that they're cakes. But who cares. Im only telling you Hashem, No-one else gets to know about the totaly not sarcastic secret regarding Jaffa cakes. All right results.... Im actually excited, I feel like this is the first day of school. I've got some weird names. Oscar, Felix, Xavier but I think I like Thomas. So thats your surname Hashem. Hashem Thomas. The ladies will be swooning over you, Im feeling rather sleepy now. I should probably go to sleep now, its 10:45, And I wanna be awake at 6:50 tomorrow so I can dress, wash, say bye to my dog and then leave for the M1. So goodnight Hashem!
2:51am ( Its Monday the 18th now so i guess i should put day 1 next to this) Day 1
Hashem. I cant sleep. Im thinking about my family and how they will take my leaving. They're probably all asleep right now but I need to leave them a note. Saying adamantly "Dont call the police, and ill be back in time for Ollie's Barmitzvah. They'll send police after me I can gurantee that! It will be like that television show Hunted! Quality television that was, ten people had to hide from professional criminal catchers for a month and it was gripping. There was this guy called Nick Cummings right and he was a proper underdog, but spoiler alert! He won it! Im going severely off topic, I need to up and leave soon.
Anyway, my parents will be jolly cross that I've left. Im seriously reconsidering. But the street thugs of the night will cower in fear at what could be muscle on my stomach...I wonder what the real Hashem thinks. He'd either be supporting me because he thinks it's my own version of the 40 day trek through the desert. Except I'm only going for 43 days. Thats seven weeks and a day. But you probably already knew that. Real Hashem also might be upset because I'm going against one of his commandments. Im disgracing my parents wishes I guess. I'll miss them a lot but I need to do this. Ive got to gain my independence. And lose the fat. I essentially think of my fat like it's an egg I need to break out of. While I'm in the metaphorical egg, I'm shy, unconfident,ugly and shy. But when I escape, ill be sporty, confident, and girls will love me. Lauren's mine! If Im up I might as well write my goodbye note. I have to take a page from you Hashem. Sorry mate.
' Dear Mum, Dad, Ollie, and other close family.
I cant bear being large anymore. Kids are mean to me, I feel ugly and worthless, and I don't believe youre helping me enough. So I'm running away to shed those Kilos. I've blocked your numbers and your social medias. You wont be able to track me because Ive turned GPS off on my phone. Please don't be upset, i'll be back in time for Ollie's Barmitzvah so don't revoke the invitations of my mates. Im looking forward to going back to school all thin! Lauren will love me! Also don't call the police. This is my adventure and I want to live it. It's my life and this is the path I've chosen. Keep my room neat and I might send you some postcards. One more thing, I wont go into any police car before you make the effort. You can't make me!
Love you all
Eli xx "
