Olivia
Walking off the plane at Heathrow I can't help but feel an overwhelming rush of déjà vu. Everything has changed from when I came over here in December but still, all the feelings are the same. I'm nervous but excited. Scared but ready for my fresh start. I feel like I'm starting a new chapter in my life again. It just so happens that this new chapter is starting in the same place as the last one did. Gemma is picking me up from the airport today. Everyone else is in Las Vegas for Niall's birthday. I'm glad for that at least. This way at least I'll get to settle in a little bit before everyone gets back. I know they're all concerned about me and I appreciate it but at the same time I don't want to dwell on what happened. I know everyone is going to be asking how I'm doing and I just don't want to talk about it anymore.
I feel bad about missing Niall's birthday and I would've loved to celebrate with him but it was good for me to get away. I needed time to sort through everything on my own. My family seemed a little surprised that Liam and I broke up. Well, besides my mom and Meredith. I guess they sort of knew what they were talking about when they told me to slow down. But everyone else was shocked and I think a little disappointed. They all loved Liam. Of course, I didn't tell them the whole story. I just said that we grew apart. I couldn't have my family look at me the way Liam and Lou and Louis and everyone else that didn't know did when they found out. I'm a heartless bitch, selfish, a slut, a disappointment. I know what I did was wrong. I do take responsibility for my actions. I feel terrible for cheating on Liam. But I will not apologize for ending things with him. It was the right thing to do. I just hate the way things blew up that night. I want to talk to him and make sure he's alright. Actually I know he's not alright but still, I feel the overwhelming need to check on him. We were friends once. There was always a spark underneath that friendship but we were friends nonetheless. This is the longest I've gone without talking to him since we started dating. I miss him as silly as it sounds. But I know he won't answer any calls or texts so I don't even try. I want to try to talk to him when he gets back to London. I want to try to make him understand what went wrong now that the dust has settled a bit. In the back of my mind I think I know it's not going to be easy. But I do still care about him even though we aren't together anymore. With our intertwined group of friends, I know we aren't going to be able to avoid each other forever. Even though I'm sure he wants that, I don't. I still hope that we'll be able to at least be civil to each other eventually. It may be a naïve notion but I can't give up without at least trying.
The realization that Liam and I are actually done hit me harder than I thought it would. In my mind, I knew the relationship was over even before I ended it. I knew it wasn't healthy to keep holding onto something that wasn't making me happy. But three days after I got home I stumbled upon my box of mementos from our dates and all the little love notes he'd written me over the course of our relationship. I ended up curled up in bed crying for a good portion of the day. Up until then I was only remembering the end of our relationship. The fights and the lies. My sneaking around, feeling trapped. But those things reminded me of the good days. Watching movies at the big house before we even started dating, the carnival we went to on our first date, the Georgia trip, my time in the hospital, the Ed Sheeran concert. Those I miss. Liam is a great guy and he loved me with everything he had. More than I deserved a lot of the time. I think a part of me will always love him. But in the end it wasn't enough. We weren't right for each other. It wasn't fair to either of us to pretend that we were. That day was hard but it was necessary. It made me stop pressing down my emotions and really feel what I was trying to ignore. It helped me mourn the relationship. I know I'm not 100% over it yet. It'll take some time. But I'm done crying at least. I'm ready to move on with my life. This is my fresh start.
When Gemma spots me she rushes over and crushes me in a huge bear hug. It's been so long since I really talked to her and even longer since I've actually seen her. We were fairly close when I first got to London but after everything that's happened we've kind of drifted apart. So I'm excited to be roommates and I think she is too. When I asked if I could move in with her I could tell she was relieved. Eleanor was supposed to live in the house too but apparently she backed out at the last second. Gemma said they were starting to become close once the plans for the house were made then all of a sudden she told Gemma she found another place to live and stopped returning her calls and texts. She thinks it's because of Louis. She doesn't want to be around anyone or anything that reminds her of him and she definitely doesn't want to run into him. I hate that she's distancing herself but I know there's nothing I can do to change it. Louis hurt her by moving on so fast and this is how she's dealing with it. I can't say that I really blame her. So after that and Lexie deciding to move in with Niall, she was left with a four-bedroom house and no roommates. I filled one of those slots but of course, we still wanted at least one more roommate so at the last second we convinced Lottie to move in with us too. It makes sense. She's done with school and it'll be better for her to be in London than Doncaster now that she's trying to establish herself as a makeup artist. It'll be an interesting mix. We're all different ages. Gemma is 25, I'm 23 and Lottie is 17. We all have different careers and interests. We all get along but none of us are super close. Besides, the only other person I've lived with besides my family is Lexie so this will definitely be a new experience.
