The Fault In Our Stars Sequel

Chapter Four

After checkout, the ride home from the hospital is awkward. Mom's gaze averts my own, her eyes checking the rearview mirror more often than is needed, and when they aren't doing that, her eyes are planted firmly on the white line on the road, as if she is watching it to make sure it doesn't grow legs and run away.

She thinks I'm dying.

Okay, well, of course I'm dying. I have been since diagnosis. If you want to be technical about it, so is she, and everyone else.

Anyway, back to point, she thinks that I am legitimently dying. 

I've been on my deathbed before, in both the metaphorical and literal sense, (I was moved to a new hospital bed tha would be the bed of my death.) But a miracle saved me. However, I think I'm running out of miracles. 

"Hazel." my mother begins. I wait for to continue, and when she doesn't, I raise my head to look at her, cocking a questioning eyebrow. A crease forms between her eyebrows, like she's trying to decide how to say what's on her mind. 

"I've noticed something for a while, but I thought it would pass. But I see it's only getting worse."

"What are you talking about?" I ask, although I have a weird feeling in my gut that I know what she's thinking about. I know it by the way she looks at me-- like I'm a kicked puppy, or something.

"Remember before you started going to Support Group, how we visited the doctor, and he said you were depressed?"

How could I forget?

I nod slowly, my gaze retreating to the window, watching the world pass my vision in blurs.

"After... after meeting Augustus, you were so much better, happier, healthier. And now... you're worse than ever."

She's exaggerating. I've been almost-dead, which is significantly worse than the state I am in now.

"My boyfriend died." the words leave a bitter taste in my mouth.

"Yes, he did." Mom confirms. "And believe me, I know that it can't be easy by any means, but you're letting it consume you." her voice falters at the end, but she picks it back up again immediately when she continues. She is not going to let this go. "You're letting it kill you, Hazel. and your father and I hate to see you give up on your life like this."

I give her a sideways glance. "So, you're blaming my cancer on my dead boyfriend? It was here before him, mom."

"I know." her voice is beginning to get exasperated, her knuckles turning white as they tighten on the steering wheel.  "Haze, I just hate to see you just, give up. You are strong, you can get through this."

The more she speaks, the more she reminds me of Patrick.

Mom continues talking about my 'stuggle with cancer,' and how 'Augustus wouldn't want me to give up,' and all the things people tell you when people close to you die. Really, it doesn't help. Nothing can help, except bringing the person back. 

I don't think anyone will ever learn that.