Life diary

Am i crazy?read to find out

I feel as if I'm crazy
Why cause I'm always sad about something idk why
Today I feel ugly and even when I try to be happy I'm sad in the insides
My mom and dad obviously don't know and if I do tell them they'll just laugh and say"your 12 bout to be 13 you don't know depression."it pisses me off cause they just laugh and then expect me to tell them shit but ofcourse I'm always the wrong one.The only person who really under stand is my BFF Elizabeth
She actually gets me and accept me for me and helps me.

Like in 2nd peroid class we were doing math
And it was girls vs boys
And the teacher don't like me idk I feel like she don't but she said I got 2 answers wrong and the girl team lost and they class of girls were yelling at me like we lost 30 billion dollars like "bitches calm down it ain't that deep".but in my next class a girl name(we call her banks to protect her innocence and dignity jk😂)
In 3rd peroid I was talking to my friends in chrous and she come in she's in my 2nd so she sit next to me in 3rd.she sits down and I was talking and she says "I'm slow" but at the time I felt embarrassed so that made it worse.i broke down crying I couldn't hold it in my friend sky said she's about to cry and she came and hugged me and I was crying full out by now.in my head I thought I was a fuck up and dumbass on top of that I think of what others say in the pass and I cry even harder.but the rest of the day I was just really depressed like really idk crazy if you can say.i was thinking of in 5th peroid drowining my self or cutting myself with a knife to die or jumping infront of a train.my friends talk a lot in 5th so the teacher moved me but that's when those thoughts creeped in and idk I feel really crazy.i wanted to tell my boyfriend but I felt like he will think I'm stupid or something(idk why) but I was crying at home.i texted Elizabeth that I wasn't trying to come to school and she texted me:there trying to make you feel bad about yourself and I don't think your slow.
Me:banks called me that
Elizabeth:fuck banks she's slow her self

But we finish texting and I got ready for bed and that night I was crying my self to sleep I felt alone and i don't like telling people cause I feel like I'll ruin there fun and I don't want that
So that's why I keep shit to myself cause all there going to say oh or you'll be fine
But I'm not but ofcourse I'm the one helping people  and telling them to love themselves when I don't love myself.

Idk what to do anymore like I'm not tell my boyfriend or anyone cause all I'll do is spoil the fun
But this my only way of getting it out.
But sometimes I'll drop hints to my friends and boyfriend that I'm lonely or sad but it never works
So Right now I'm holding back my tears cause I'm tired of crying I'm just one big crybaby
So bye