January 5th 2012
I think too much. My mind races at a million miles per hour. I get tired of thinking about my future. It scares me to think that I won’t amount to anything. I’m afraid that all the dreams I have won’t amount to anything. The people who look at me, like I’m so great, will surely be disappointed if I end up working at some hack job. With this in my mind, the pressure skyrockets. I hate to think about it, but sometimes, when I’m alone, it’s all I can do.
My thoughts go even deeper though. In fact, at times I feel like I’m the only person in the world that analyzes and plays over a thought the way I do. Of course, I’m not, but it feels that way. How could I be so egotistic? Or does everyone secretly think they are a little more important than everybody else. At any rate, sitting here writing about it can’t change the world and its maniacs, or narcissists.
It’s hard to describe my personality. Honestly, I feel like a weirdo. Don’t get me started on high school. Where the hell do I fit in? I don’t play sports, I have this weird association with members of the same sex. I can never fully express my feelings in any relationship, without being scared. I walk funny, I look funny, I talk funny. No matter what I do to try and build my confidence level, it fails. Sure I have my good days, though heavily outweighed by the bad, I can sometimes force a smile or two. I don’t smile a lot. If you asked someone who knew me, they would say I’m calm, cool, and collected. That’s what I like to hear. I’m calm, cool, and collected, on the outside. No one knows the chaos in my mind. I never let it show.
Secrets aren’t hard for me to keep. I know emotion work. I can portray happiness in the midst of misery. I can blend self-pity and apathy. When I tell myself everything is okay, an obvious lie, it helps to create the illusion that maybe the days will become brighter. I’ve become a master of illusions.
Still not seeking perfection in my sorry life, I can strive for something better, can’t I? Nobody has to know my struggles, and they don’t, but should they? If I begin to tell people about my hardships, will they genuinely care to give advice, or mock and ridicule? I’m too familiar with the truth of our society. Don’t get me wrong, there are definitely good people left, very few.
-Samuel
YOU ARE READING
The Tale of Samuel
AdventureEven after graduating college and obtaining his bachelor's degree, Samuel is still having a hard time finding a job. The pressure rises as his roommates take notice and the bills pile up. Without any hope, Samuel calls the number to Express, a compa...
