Decisions

Surviving but not Living

Soo allowed herself to cry out all of her tears before she finally stood up from her place on the rocky ledge. Her half-eaten rice ball was still in her hands, and she quickly scarfed it down, not wanting to waste food, even if the little appetite she had before had long disappeared. Once she finished, she trudged the long way back to her room. When she arrived, she made sure to stay quiet as she walked back to her room. Well, it wasn't her room per say. Unlike at Damiwon, where she had her own room, here at the Gyobang she had to share her room with 3 other maids. Granted, they never spent much time in the room anyway, since most of their day was outside on the river washing clothes, hanging laundry, and repeating the process until the sun went down.

She opened the wooden and paper door quietly, slipping inside and closing it behind her. Her thin blanket and sheet were tossed carelessly to the side, different from how she folded them that morning. She wasn't very well liked, was she? She never did try to make friends here, always keeping a distance after the trauma she had experienced. At least she was always allocated a space on the floor on one side, where she had room to sleep. That was where she went to lay down after making her place on the hard wooden floor. Resting her head on her arm, her thoughts went toward the encounter she just had with the 8th prince.

He had changed so much within a year. And she supposed she had too. She wasn't the happy-go-lucky, optimistic girl who was determined to live like she used to be. Her happiest days were spent at Wook's residence, while her Myung Hee unnie was still alive. The thought of Myung Hee brought a deeper frown on Soo's face. A year ago, she was naïve, but she was also cruel.

It was wrong of her to pursue her feelings with Wook, especially while Myung Hee was still alive; she knew that now. Even after she had passed away, Soo should have cut off her relationship with Wook there, but she didn't. It was an insult to her unnie's memory, and yet she still pursued the relationship. Letting out a sigh, she knew that tonight had permanently put an end to those feelings. She could no longer have any sort of affection towards someone who now treated her so coldly. She didn't want to believe anymore in the man who had promised so much, yet gave her nothing. Furthermore, she had no wish to be involved with any power play. She just wanted to survive peacefully, away from all the politics, and away from the main palace. Although she was a musuri now, she was still tied to the palace. At least she wasn't in the thick of it anymore. Pulling the covers up to her chin, Soo wondered if she would ever be completely free from the palace.

She supposed she could have been, even if for a short while...if she had listened to Court Lady Oh when she offered to take Soo to her hometown. It was practically offered to her on a silver platter, the chance to leave the palace. But at the time, her naivety led her to her ruin. She trusted Wook so much, but did not have the courage to be herself with him. Despite this, she wanted to believe that their love was true. She wanted to believe that Wook would not change, and that he would marry her. But she was wrong, and all pleas from Court Lady Oh to deter her from the 8th prince fell on deaf ears. The water maids were right when they accused her of being the reason for Court Lady Oh's death. She was the one at fault, and the thought brought a fresh wave of tears to her eyes. If only she had listened when Court Lady Oh told her to stay away from the princes. If only she had listened and followed Court Lady Oh back to her hometown. Court Lady Oh would still be alive now if she had. She would still have a mother figure to care for her, someone to look over her while she was at the palace.

And so it was with tears in her eyes and the thoughts of Court Lady Oh that Soo eventually fell into a restless sleep.

The next morning, Soo woke up with sore and red-rimmed eyes. When she heard the other maids whispering, she ignored them, just as she always had when they talked about her, or anything else for that matter. She ate her breakfast slowly, tastelessly, and then went to get her first load of laundry for the day. Soo held back a groan when she found that all the other maids had gotten the easier loads of clothing, and left her with baskets full of sheets. The sheets were always hard to wash because they were so large. Not to mention, once they were wet, the sheets were that much harder to handle. There wasn't much else she could do, was there? All the other maids had already left with their baskets. Taking in a deep breath, Soo hauled her first basket and made her trek down to the river.