Speed of Sound

water

november 23, 2013

this is the first two chapters of a story that i deleted but wanted to save. it was originally called 'shalom chaverim'. 

chapter one

Record.

The button is red, a familiar, bittersweet color. Its the color of blood, which gives you relief and pain at the same time. You've grown fond of it, but at this moment it doesn't matter. The goal of this is so people know how much of your blood you've seen, how many tears you've shed, how much pain you've endured.

You press down on the computer mouse and the red light flashes. Wiping a tear from your eye, you sigh and give a small smile for the camera.

"Hey everyone," you say weakly. "Its the real me. The one you pushed around, called ugly, sometimes even slapped..." You trail off, biting your lip from the heartache. You look down at your wrist. A small, smudged infinity sign is drawn in silver Sharpie. It has done you no good, really. Every self-support system you've tried has done nothing. And now that infinity has come into style, you expected it to lift you up like it has to so many. You suppose you're just so different that nothing will work.

You lift the faded sign on your wrist to the camera. "You see this? Its just another dumb thing," you say. You lift your arm higher, showing off your scars, new ones and old. "These never go away. I'll always hurt. That's why I'm recording this right now."

Taking in a deep breath, you look straight at the computer, rage suddenly rampaging through you. "Look at me!" you exclaim. "Look at me! You all put me though so much and you don't even care that I'm an actual human being! You think its all funny, tearing someone up like this! Is everyone blind?! I just..." Your lip quivers. "I don't know what I did. Maybe it was just existing."

You pause, taking in the silence. You try to picture people feeling sympathy for you after this, but after you realize they'll just laugh at this video, you continue on. Just get this over with, and you can go.

"I've been doing this for so long. I quit, I'm done, I give up."

Tears stream down your face like a river, a raging river, a river that will swallow you up and eat you within a second of stepping in.

"As the Hebrew would say, Shalom Chaverim."

You hit the end button and stare at your laptop screen for what seems like hours. You did it. You don't need to do anything else.

Just jump off the cliff.

It will all be over.

Satisfaction and happiness surging through you for the first time in ages, you throw on a pair of jean shorts and a sparkling magenta tank top. You want to look nice when they discover your body, even if its in shreds.

You run down the stairs, still crying, and make your way to the front door, no one needs to know where you're going. You don't want any interference. No one can stop you.

"Hey!" you hear. The voice makes you cringe. "What do you think you're doing?"

You turn- one shoe on- and see your mother staring at you with her arms crossed. Her graying hair, being held by pins to the top of her head, looks dull against the loads of makeup she wears to conceal her aging, but you honestly only think it makes her look worse with the outrageous pinks and blues and greens.

"I'm going home," you say, tasting salty tears on your tongue.

"You are home, you idiot," she retorts, pulling a box of cigarettes from her pocket. You watch her take one out and light it, pulling it to her lips. She seems to have no sympathy or curiosity of why you're crying, just standing there with heavy eyelids as she smokes.