Midnight Thoughts - A Journal

Entry I

Tuesday, November 7th, 2016 

9:52 PM - 10:35 PM

This is definitely a new idea.  Can't say I came up with it though.  I saw another book on this same site titled "Night Thoughts", and it ended up being a journal with basically unrestrained thoughts.  Honestly, the idea kind of unnerves me, putting fairly personal thoughts and ideas out on the internet, with the potential for anyone in the world to see.  That's a little overzealous though.  Most of my work here gets only a little over 10 views each, so I don't have much to worry about.

Now, before anything, I'll set a few ground rules for myself.  You don't even really need to care about this section.  It's just for me to look back on and remind myself of how to function, especially at night.  First off, no names given in this series will be real, in order to protect the identities of their owners.  I'll keep a conversion chart on my computer so the aliases are consistent.  Any personal information will be censored, and I won't share anything particularly embarrassing or private without the consent of everyone involved.  This is sort of a given, but all of these entries will be done in one take, and not edited in post in order to properly capture my thoughts.  Typos can sometimes show a person's fatigue.  As random as my thoughts can become, I will try desperately hard to keep this structured and understandable.

I like to think of this journal as a number of things.  Entertainment for one thing, as completely boring as my life can tend to be.  I'll hang on to the shred of a possibility that someone out there is at least laughing at my misery.  It also acts as a way to keep my sanity in check.  I've found that recently my mental state has fallen into the apathetic and cynical state of the average teen.  This is one of my last ditch efforts to keep that in check.  I need to remain productive and alert.  However, and I cannot stress this enough, this is for me.  Not for the good of others.  I couldn't give less of a fuck how badly I might fail my next exam in terms of the present.  I'm not trying to impress anyone by bettering myself.  This is an attempt to reach my own goals in life.  And finally, I like to think of this journal almost as a psychological experiment.  I'll see the effects of not only recording my thoughts, but publicizing them on my mental health.  The nice thing about that is that I have records dated exactly for reflection if need be.  

That being said, if my mental health suffers in any way directly because of this publication, the entire project will be shut down immediately.

Regardless, with the basics out of the way, I can begin to properly record my thoughts for tonight.

Interestingly, my thoughts fall upon music tonight, which isn't a thought I generally dwell upon.  Just before I wrote this, I realised I've forgotten to practice piano tonight.  I'm by no means a remarkable concert pianist, Hell, I don't plan to perform in the near future, but it's a reasonable pastime I find.  My current repertoire is Grade 5 level in the Royal conservatory.  Not impressive, but also not exactly amateur I think.  Maybe that in itself is overconfident.  I think mediocre is a good word.  Maybe to a beginner, who hasn't so much as looked at a keyboard I would be considered good.  I have a low personal rating of my skill mostly because of my environment.  The high school I attend, (name omitted for personal safety) is very focused on the performing arts, music being up on that list.  Many people in my grade, who admittedly put more time and effort into their craft, are ascending to Grade 10 level exams.  These people intimidate me.  When I practice at school, I try to ensure as best I can to be alone so as not to embarrass myself in front of someone.  If I'm forced to play before someone who is significantly better, I will likely pull out some Grade 3 or 4 music, pieces that I can play properly.  They don't sound impressive, but at least they don't sound bad.

On that note, the piano is such a beautiful instrument.  Even with my lack of proficiency, I feel an odd connection when I play.  My soul, metaphorically speaking, is poured into every note I play, and that includes the mistakes.  I feel something while playing music, something that can't be replicated by any other medium.  I can convey myself with the repertoire I choose, and how I play the piece.  The piano has such a staggering range.  8 entire octaves, 88 keys, each singing with a different light.  My love for piano is hard to describe.  For something that intimidates me so immensely, it makes me feel incredibly alive.  Even to the point that I've meddled with composing music myself.  It adds another layer to the personality.

The piano, with it's incredible versatility is not my only instrument.  I play two variants of clarinet.  B flat and bass.  Primarily bass clarinet at this point.  I find it has a mellow sound, and a nice fill to the ensemble it's accompanying.  I feel as though I am most skilled with this instrument.  I also play a variety of other instruments, some percussion, including the African djembe, a few minor woodwinds such as the recorder or the ocarina.  I also play both the bass and basic guitar to some extent.  

Singing, (This list is getting damn long, sorry) is another passion of mine.  My lack of confidence in this area particularly annoys me, since I feel it would be the most satisfying to perform.  I am a natural baritone singer, but I wish with all my heart that I was a tenor.  The number of songs written for the baritone voice pales in comparison to the tenor.  Every time I try to mimic a tenor voice, I end up cracking, or breaking into my weaker falsetto voice.  

Maybe I should get a violin.  I've been thinking about picking one up eventually.  It would be quite satisfying to learn I imagine.

Well, that's all I've got for tonight.  I'm kind of excited to see how this turns out.  I doubt I'll get a daily entry in, but we'll see what happens.  Anyway.  See you later I guess.

- Mackenzie R. Hay

PS: Most of this journal has been gender ambiguous I know.  For future reference, I am indeed a male.