(The hunger games) Mockingjay- remix

Overcoming Depression

Wake up. Get schedule. Follow schedule. Go to sleep. 

Wake up. Get schedule. Follow schedule. Go to sleep.

Wake up. Get schedule. Follow schedule. Go to sleep.

Wake up. Get schedule. Follow schedule. Go to sleep.

This seems to be my life. Over and over again, in that dull, lifeless manner.  Matching with the gray boring uniforms we wear, depression starts to take over. I am not okay. This is not okay. Why does the world keep spinning around? Why are little kids laughing and dancing happily? Why can people still smile? The world will always go on, with or without me. But lately, im not sure which way is better

Some days I don’t talk to anyone. I just don’t have the heart to do it. If Katniss hated me, I would be so much happier. I would have been with her all the time, praying and never giving up hope. Now however, she just thinks of me as a mutt that is going to destroy her. As a killing machine. Now, she has crossed the line from hating me, and gone into wishing I was dead so she wouldn’t have nightmares about me.

Gale isn’t much better than I am. You would think he would be all macho and tough like his personality, but honestly, I think that was all just a show. Now is when we see the real gale, the scared, upset, miserable gale. However, he has stopped hating me. He shows pity for me just as much as I show pity for him. We have become partners, even if neither of us dare to shout it out loud.

Finnick seems to be the only one truly happy- well, him and annie. Ever since she came back, they haven’t stopped holding hands. They are in love. So much so, that Finnick proposed! Annie is crazy- but if Finnick loves her, than I love her. I am mixed between jealousy and a huge happiness for them. I love seeing them together, but at the same time, wish I could be them. There love is so clear that anyone can see it from any distance. With so much warmth that my heart melts.  There love is unbreakable, no matter how much hijacking anyone could do. Unlike mine.

Haymitch was depressed with me. He was understanding. For the first week. But a week becomes a month, a month becomes two months, and haymitch grows tired of this. He decides I need something to do that I enjoy. He gets me dozens of canvases, amazing paints, and- my favorite- oil pastels. He really has helped.

If anyone would see my drawings, they might sense some of the pain im going through. There were people breaking away from each other. There were people whos eyes were clearly in love, yet whos hands were unable to touch. But all of these paintings have let me express my emotions. I am getting better. And I am told that Katniss is too. Thanks to her sister, prim.

Everybody has always loved prim. She is adorable, and she is the nicest person you will ever meet. But lately, she has been growing up a lot. Too fast. She has matured far too soon, and now it is surprising that she is only 18. She is another person who has been helping me heal. And the last, but most helpful person, has been Delly.

Delly and I have always been friends. I have always given her a shoulder to cry on, and now, it was my turn to cry on her shoulder. At first I felt ashamed to be crying, but she really was amazing. I will never forget what she did to me.

I am recovering. But, for the first time ever, I have decided that I want revenge. I want to cause someone else suffering. When I listen to this, I wonder where I have lost myself. Because this is clearly not the Peeta I know. What has happened to me. Me, a pacifist, wanting to hurt someone? I cry at the sound of that. Yet the more I think of it, the more defined it is. I want to hurt somebody. And that somebody is president snow.