Feather

Knowing

I always hated school. But it was the only thing that gets me through the day. I always wondered why school was even invented. I always wondered why I even had to go. Somehow, it's the only way I stayed sane. Most all of my family went through with High school and either all or most of college. I guess I was just feeling the pressure.

Later that day I got home and my dad was standing at the kitchen table pouring three cups of water. "Go straight upstairs and don't go in the living room until I call for you. We have guests and they cannot, repeat CAN NOT, see you right now." He whispered in my ear.

When I got to my room, I shut my door and put my ear against my floor so I could hear their discussion. All I heard was low whispers and silent sobs. All I could wonder was what's going on down there. Then, as soon as I gave up, I heard my name. It was a short, soft breath that slowly reached my ears, and then, there was more whispering.

* * *

I'm always wondering. I want to know. Everything. I want to know who I really am, where I truly came from, who my family is, why I'm here. Who is my mom? Where is she? What happened to her? What is her name? Why isn't she here? When can I see her? How come I don't know anything about her? The questions that race through my mind give me a headache. Realizing the state I'm in makes me wonder even more about her. It creates an even larger concern.

Did she walk away?

A splurge of emotion erupts from my stomach each time those words creep up on me. Hatred. If she really passed us by, leaving him heart broken and me without, it would explain many things. Everyone refuses to even mention her name never mind remember who she is. I ask so many questions yet no response is given to me, leaving me hanging on a single thread of hope! I just want a single answer. I'm old enough now, I can handle it.

I want my mom. No matter who she is or what she has done. I need her to tell me that I will be fine. I need her to hold me while I cry and tell me I'm forgiven. I have to tell her about my mistake, I need her to show me what to do!

But I can't now can I?