Falling Walls (III)

Chapter 34

The decaf in front off me was cold as I continued staring at the dark phone screen in my hand, my thumb shakily  lingering on the on-button, considering if I should turn it on or not. There were so many reasons to do so, so many reasons against it.
Enough was enough. Tom had made his choice and I had made mine. I would take a walk, enjoy this beautiful place on earth and then call Dave in the afternoon. It was still the middle of the night in Australia.  Seven in the morning would be reasonably enough.

With just a small bag hanging around my shoulder, I left the house, following the path towards the lake.  I'd packed a bottle of water and my wallet, just in case, and my broken phone, out of habit as it seemed. I didn't notice it until I had my first drinking break, sitting on a bench, which only recently must have been painted brown. It had a perfect colour, blending in with this piece of paradise I was visiting. Green fields with yellow and purple dots stretched out around the deep blue lake I overlooked, surrounded by the grey mountain ranges. I took a deep breath. The air smelled fresh and clean, a bit chilly, although I felt perfectly comfortable in just my long sleeve shirt. For the first time in what seemed forever, my head seemed to clear and I was just in the present.
I looked over to the roofs of the town. Or was it a city? I spotted several interesting looking buildings but couldn't say for sure if they were castles, churches or simply hotels.  Taking one last deep breath of fresh air, I decided to walk into town.

On my way down into the Engadin Valley, I felt free. I picked some flowers, I watched the birds in the trees and I hummed a song which melody I didn't recognise.  I made the plan to do some sightseeing and then have a wonderful Swiss hot chocolate.
Walking down the path towards the town of Engadin, I realised again how little I knew about St Moritz. Skiing: That was how far my knowledge went. My eyes scrolled over the rooftops ahead of me when I noticed a tower. Many years ago I had been to Italy and also visited the Tower of Pisa. Now this tower didn't seem to be any straighter. Maybe it was my imagination, but compared to the other constructions, there was no doubt. I was curious and decided to make that tower my target.

On my way to the leaning tower I passed a range of expensive looking shops. I had no interest in shopping and only looked at the displays briefly in passing, when a phone repair shop caught my eyes. Well, I might as well get that phone fixed while I'm visiting the leaning tower.

Crossing the vast, neat courtyard lined with ancient graves, I was stunned by the structure of the tower.  Not many people were around, and so I was startled when a middle aged man in hiking gear notched me and said: "Isn't she a beauty? Pisa is nothing in comparison." He stood next to me for a while, staring at the Tower. 
"Yeah, beautiful," I mumbled, as I headed back out the little park. Further up the hill I had spotted a church and decided to take the walk.

An hour later I was sitting in a small cafe, overlooking the lake and wondering how beautiful this place must be in winter. While I was waiting for my hot chocolate to arrive, I turned on my phone.  It only took a few seconds until it began beeping with incoming messages. I hated it when my phone wasn't on silent in public, and so I quickly fumbled around until the beeping was turned off.  Then I double-checked that the ring tone was on silent.

There were missed calls and messages from my mum, from Dave, and to my surprise one from Hannah and one from Eva. I read and listened to them all, then I put the phone back in my bag and enjoyed the hot chocolate and beautiful scenery. I'd answer them all when I was back at Tom's place. I especially didn't know what to say to Eva. Our last conversation after the DNA test had been a little awkward.

Back at Tom's place, I took a warm bath, then sat down to make my phone calls.  After weighing up my options I chickened out and went for the easy call first: Dave and the kids.  The twins were doing fine, telling me excitedly about the great time they were having with Dave and Corey.
"By the way," Dave said when he was back on the line. "I tried to call you a few times. Carlos - that's the guy who works for you, isn't he?"
"Yes," I mumbled.
"He called a few times. Couldn't get hold of you. He needs the customer code for your security contract."
I had no idea what number that was.  Tom handled all that stuff. Someone in Germany would know.
We hung up the phone and while I was talking to my mum, I tried to figure out who could help me get hold off that number. Jan might? Or it might be in one of Tom's emails? I could access them on his phone. It would be okay to turn his phone on to check work related messages, wouldn't it? Involuntary my eyes moved towards the cupboard door which contained Tom's phone.

It's for work, I reminded myself again and again as I went over to the cupboard and got out Tom's phone. I lifted up the shiney mobile, lying heavy in my hand, watching the icons come to life after punching in the pin. The email app was easy to find at the bottom of the screen. I pressed it, waiting for the guilty feeling to encase me, but it didn't come.  Instead, the ping of an incoming message from my phone in the kitchen caught my attention.

Taking Tom's phone with me, I walked over to get mine. My heart nearly stopped. The message was from Tom. But I was holding his phone. How could that be? I looked back and forth between the two phones. Then I decided to read the message. Maybe I accidently sent it to myself, pressing a random button.

Just part of the first sentence was displayed in my Inbox. It was definitely a message, not an accidentally sent one by myself. It took a while for the message to load. Wifi didn't seem to be the best and I used the time to open Tom's Inbox, then the Sent Folder. I checked my phone and the mail was still loading, the little spinning wheel on the screen rotating in the ever same speed.
I looked back at Tom's Sent Folder. The message had been sent just now.  I clicked on it.  Maybe his one would open faster. But it didn't, and I took turns watching the two loading wheels spin in unison.
Did Tom sent me a message and it just hadn't been delivered all this time? Could I have saved myself all this heartache and sleepless nights? Shit wifi.
I grabbed a phone in each hand, stretching them both as high up as I could and walked through the house in hope of catching just enough connection to open one version of the mail. Out on the balcony, finally, first Tom's, then my text opened:

I wanted to call you but wasn't sure I would be strong enough to go through with what I'm planning to do.  Lisa, Engel, I'm so sorry I blamed you and left you behind at the library.  The moment your face faded in the rear-view mirror, I wanted to turn around.  But I knew I needed distance and time to think.  I called a taxi for you.  I hope you didn't have to wait too long.
I have been thinking about this for the past day, about what happened inside of me when Eva began talking. I don't know if you were right or not, but it was like my whole chest was tied up in rope and someone was just pulling it tighter and tighter.  There was something about her voice, and pictures appeared in my mind.  Anyway, I want to tell you when I'm back. 
I went for a walk this morning, up to the church.  One day I want to take you on that walk. It's beautiful. You'd like it.  I spent all that time thinking about how I treated you and I don't think I can be the man you need and deserve.  I have to sort myself out. You know I'm not religious, but noone was up at the church apart from me and this guy who was doing the Camino de Santiago. He'll be hiking all the way to Spain. He started in Germany.  Can you believe that? He told me that the real route hadn't even started and he just felt so connected with himself.  On the way home I couldn't think about anything but. 
Darling, I decided to do the Camino.  I'll leave everything here. That's what they say is best. No distractions.  Please don't worry.  But when I'm finished, I hope I know myself enough to be who you need me to be.
Give the kids a hug from me.
I'll miss you so much.
Yours,
Tom.