READ THIS CRAP - Worthless Thoughts and Aspirations

Crocs.

A crikey analysis worth many a shuddersome cringe.

If you have yet to discover Crocs, you fortunate person. All human beings loathe the existence of aforementioned footwear— and for good reason. Crocs are the ugliest creations to spawn from the imagination of mankind, and have infiltrated many of our childhoods, causing despair and overall unpleasantness. Made from pure plastic that reeks of sweet perfume, (probably to hide the scent of the money they rake in from innocent, whiny children), Crocs continue to terrorize all human beings in life and death.

                   

            Trust me.

Crocs have no design at all. The complete structure and model of the footwear is created so that the wearer is transformed into a laughingstock who thinks wearing flippers on land is "cool". The disgusting, enlarged curves of the shoe are meant to emphasize the lack of smoothness of one's feet— which, granted, is necessary in some cases. It's as if the creators of Crocs themselves decided to take away the factor of "feet-curves" so that a poor little girl in the future wouldn't have to worry about being bullied for her hideous bunions. Ironically, she'll be bullied, instead, for wearing Crocs.

            Furthermore, the holes. Black vortexes of evil. Creators of ugly tan spots that make unlucky wearers look like they have the plague. To illustrate, the holes of the plastic Crocs are pores in its skin which allow for the odor of sweaty feet to escape, wafting into the nostrils of all close by companions.

            Even the sight of someone wearing Crocs can cause one to relive traumatic experiences. Forgive the pause, but even the imagined image is burning my retinas. The fact that these shoes come in many different bright colors just makes matters worse. I wouldn't be surprised to hear that a small percentage of car crashes are caused by the driver being blinded by the sight of a pedestrian in neon Crocs. 

This brings me to another malicious area of intent: Jibbitz. These small gadgets are made to fit into the holes of your Crocs, after hours of pulling, pushing, exasperation and finally, the snapping of either the Jibbitz itself or the plastic Croc. With many colorful designs and cliché icons, who can resist buying useless plastic pieces to put on their equally useless, plastic shoe?

The Jibbitz company is so intent on ripping off small, naïve children that they're not even hiding their despicable intentions anymore; those just things don't fit. As well, if you do happen to somehow clasp the stupid clip on, it's sharp edge never fails to dig into the soft flesh under your toenail when walking, often causing you to lope or trip— if not ripping off the nail of your big toe completely.

In conclusion, wearing Crocs is as long as it is behind closed doors. Not only are these shoes bad for orthopedic arch support, but they are also the epitome of frumpy. That's it for my message; you'll thank me in the long run.

Stay crikey!