#AskDijah

Advice #5

Q: Hi,

Before I start I want to say I love, love, love your books! You are a very good writer and I look forward to your updates all the time. Anyhow, I'm seeking advice. So, I've been with this guy for going on 2 years and we just recently (2 weeks ago) had a baby. The first year of our relationship he went to prison and I held him down. Like making sure he was good and never cheated on him or anything. He gets out and completely shIts on me. Like has been cheating, abusing me occasionally, etc. Like his attitude is so bad any little argument we have turns into us fighting. I love him so much and want to be with him, but not like this. I know you can't force a man to change but I want him to so bad so we can be a family. I haven't been myself for months now, I'm not sure if it's the hormones or what but I've been crying almost everyday for the past couple months. Should I just let go of the relationship and worry about him just being there for our son?

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A: First off, congratualations on your new born baby, I know being a new mother is probably very overwhelming for you right now, but Im sure you're enjoying every second of it, and also, thanks for reading :)

There's a lot you stated in your message, so Im gunna go in order of how you wrote everything, so I can make sure that I don't skip anything, or forget to comment on something you said.

Now, on to the SERIOUS part of this:

Do I think you should let this relationship go? YES, MOST DEFINETELY.

First off, you said that he's been cheating on you ever since he's gotten out of jail,while you've been faithful to him throughout the entire relationship (even when he was in jail.)

Honestly, once you found out about his infedility, things should have ended there, but I know you probably didn't want to end things since you obviously love him alot (which you stated) and you also probably were pregnant/ or had your baby, Or you probably forgave him, thinking he wouldn't do it again (which is completely fine, I get it, and Im not judging you AT ALL.)

THE PART THAT UPSETS ME THE MOST ABOUT ALL OF THIS, IS WHEN YOU SAY HE'S BEEN "ABUSING" YOU.

Now, Abuse comes in different forms, emotional, verbal and physical, you didn't mention what kind, so Im just gunna assume that you meant physical abuse.

IF THIS NEGRO IS PUTTING HIS HANDS ON YOU, THERE'S NO WAY IN HELL THAT YOU NEED TO STAY WITH HIM.

Even if this abuse is not physical, any type of abuse IS NOT, AND NEVER WILL BE OKAY. No REAL man should ever make you feel less than, dumb, ugly, or like you don't matter. PERIOD.

I understand he's your son's father, and you think that there's a possibility that he might change, but until he gets some type of help, you and your child are in danger.

And just like you said, you can't force a man to change, or do anything they don't want to do, so getting help may be out of the question, of that's not something he's willing to do.

Does anyone close to you know that this is happening to you? If not, then I suggest you tell someone that you trust, so they can help you and your son get out of this situation.

As women, we are so strong up until a point. It's obvious that you're hurting if you're crying almost everyday, and for MONTHS ON END, you haven't been feeling like yourself. Granted, it could be the hormones too, making you feel everything at higher degree, but the point of it all, is that you're feeling something you shouldn't, you know that what's going on in your life is wrong, and needs to be changed.

So many women sit around and stay with men who treat them like how your man is treating you, thinking that one day they'll change and get help, when in actuality, all they're doing is letting men control them, and they end up paying for it in the end.

You come first before anything, and that's that. Honor yourself girl, and get out.

I don't think I can stress enough, how serious this is, and how much danger you're potentially in. Think about it this, you said that ever little thing turns into a fight with him. Im not sure who or what he ends up taking his anger out on, but I want you too look at it this way. He's already abusing you, just imagine if one day he decides to lay hands on your son when he's a little bit older.

If you can't walk away from this for you, then think about your son. Or even if he never does put hands on your son, God forbid he does some real damage to you, and that causes you to never be able to see your son again.

I've never been through a situation like this, so I can only imagine what you're feeling, Im sure you feel trapped, and embarrassed to ask for help, and to tell someone else what's going on, BUT YOU HAVE TO. I don't know everything, but what I do know is, is that LOVE IS NOT SUPPOSE TO HURT OR CAUSE ANY PAIN.

And this relationship HAS caused you both.

You need to remove yourself ASAP, and just focus on him being a father to your child, and that's that. If this was me, I would eventually have to get the courts involved, because from what you've told me, he doesn't sound too stable (Or I could be wrong.)

And also, I wanna say, maybe one day he'll get the help he needs, because we all know, that people can change, and if you're still willing, maybe you all can be a family, but as of right now, I don't see things getting better, I just see them getting worse without the proper steps that NEED to be taken.

I really hope I gave you my best advice possible, now that you've shared this with me, I feel like it's my responsibility to get you OUT of this, or atleast help you make a good decision for you and your child.

I could keep going, but I didn't wanna make this too long for you.

PLEASE KEEP ME POSTED ON WHAT YOU DECIDE TO DO, AND IF YOU'RE OKAY. (Don't forget!)

-Dijah.