feelings

the girl who let love destroy her

NUMBER FOUR: i fell in love again. i should've known better

well,, it's been quite a while, hasn't it ? and oh boy how things have changed. i fell out of love. i fell in love. the out was easy. the in is what's killing me. i fell in love with a boy with a wonderful mind and a beautiful soul. i fell in love with a boy with the most gorgeous hazel eyes i've ever seen. i fell in love with a boy that i had so much in common with. i fell in love. and it was almost like a movie. i was so nervous around him. i really liked him. i knew he really liked me too. we spent that whole sunday together. that was easily the best day of my life. we held hands for the first time later that night. my heart was beating so fast. my mind was racing. i was a nervous wreck,, but i was so happy. later that night, i melted when i got home and i couldn't stop smiling. 

he always seemed to have that affect on me. i was always smiling when he was around. he was the light of my life. he meant the world to me. i wanted to spend forever with him, although i knew it was foolish to think like that. i did anyways. i fell for him so hard and so fast. i guess it was too fast. 

two months in, and he shattered my heart. he took the part of me i had given him, every piece of love and care and happiness, and he ripped it into tiny little pieces right in front of me. he completely destroyed me. but he promised to come back. he told me he still loved me. he said he would come back.

but he didn't. instead, he found someone else. ten days after he ripped my heart in two, he found someone else. he replaced me so easily,, like i never mattered to him,, like he never cared about me. like he never had said he loved me. 

and its been a week and a half since then. every day hurts a little less, yet it also feels like every day hurts more. sometimes i can't do anything but cry and yell and scream. sometimes im stable and kind of okay.

then he told me he doesn't plan on coming back anymore. he told me that the love slowly faded because we rushed things. he told me that it takes twenty-one days to break a habit and that's what happened. he just, stopped loving me.

i don't know how to breathe these days. it feels like every breath is laboured and forced. i don't want to be here. i don't want to be alive. he made me so so happy, and now i've lost him. i lost my happiness. i don't know how to live anymore. i haven't properly eaten since the day he left me, the day before our two month mark. he hurt me so much and i'm tired of hurting. i don't know how else to get rid of it other than to just get rid of myself. i don't know how to stop the pain. it feels like my lungs are slowly closing in,, like they're slowly giving up and one day i'm going to not wake up. one day i'm going to be gone and everyone will remember me as the girl who let love destroy her.