Can't Be Saved - Adopted by Dan and Phil

Chapter Eighteen

The two men shift in the bed and Phil is first to wake.

'Addi? What's up?' He yawns.

I struggle for words and my brain can't seem to make up its mind. I have the voice telling me to shut up and go to bed, but then I have my rational side knowing that they'd find out sooner or later.

Phil switches on the lamp causing Dan to wake up.

'Phil! Sleeping!' Dan whines tiredly.

'S-Sorry. F-forget it.' I stammer and rush off.

My chest feels heavy and I can't breathe. I literally cannot breathe. I blindly grasp around, clutching at air, I throw my head back and it hurts. My chest is heaving despite me only just having regained the ability to breathe, and it isn't enough air, I am going to hyperventilate and pass out.

I'm crying and I can't stop, I can't move, I can't do anything. My side is still trickling with blood and continues to dampen my stained shirt. I shut my eyes in vain, horrified with myself for the way I'm acting.

I feel warm arms wrap around me and notice a sudden gasp when the hands reach my side. I quickly flick open my eyes just as Dan looks at Phil. I can't read their emotion, it's probably really obvious, but I'm so muddled that nothing makes sense. I hang my head in shame, wanting to wake up from this nightmare called reality.

They walk away and I hate myself even more, which I honestly didn't think was possible. I stay seated there, pressing against the wall and waiting to be sucked into the underworld. I want to disappear, my life is not worth all of this and now Dan and Phil know that I am still weak and they obviously hate me.

No sooner as I think this, Dan and Phil return with the first aid kit and a few blankets. They look shaken.

'I-I'm s-so s-orry.' I whisper.

My throat burns, my eyes sting and I think I'm going to burst into tears again. I never used to be like this.

The men start attending to my wounds in silence, except for the few murmurs to one another.

I fidget at first, not wanting them to see what I had done, but they held me firmly in place, adamant that they would help me.

I don't know what to say to make up for this. Maybe silence would be more useful than any meaningless excuse I can come up with.

After about five minutes my torso is bandaged, I have changed my shirt and the three of us are sitting in the lounge, not talking. Okay, I'm not talking and the words from Dan and Phil have become a steady background buzz from a faulty radio.

'Can I just ask why?' Dan asks carefully when the two of them realise that I hadn't heard a thing they had previously said.

I consider lying, telling them that I'm getting beat up still, or that I had a nightmare and did it during the terror, but it just doesn't seem plausible. After an eternity I eventually respond with, 'I don't know,' in a barely audible voice.

'What did you use?' Phil says.

Once again, I want to lie to them purely for the fact that it would be easier. I shake my head, I can't tell them. I mean, it just isn't fair.

'Addi? Tell us.'

'I-I uh, u-used... I... no.' I say through strained tears.

'Addi, we need to know.' Dan says suddenly very anxious. 'Did you take a knife, unscrew a sharpener, dig your nails into your flesh, what?'

My lower lip quivers slightly, I hate doing this to them. I should have just let them sleep. I shake my head. 'The first one.' I lie.

'Where's the knife?' Phil sighs.

Crap, what do I tell them? That I washed it and put it away or threw it out a window? I shrug.

'Truth, now.' Dan says seriously.

'I unscrewed a sharpener.' I say, not making eye contact. 'I, uh, I dropped it somewhere. I don't know where it landed.' I have always been a good liar, but I never thought that Dan and Phil would be subjected to my dishonesty.

I see them both breathe deeply. Phil goes to search for the blade after giving my hand a quick squeeze and Dan stays to make sure I don't do anything else stupid.

If only they knew that my blade was stashed in my drawer from when I went to change my shirt.

Maybe I should tell them. They could send me to therapy, I could get better, and maybe kill off the voice in my head that controls my every movement.

You couldn't kill me if you had a whole team of therapists trying.

I jump slightly. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it.

Good, don't say anything you'll regret otherwise next step is swallowing a handful of pills.

Please don't. I really don't want to die. I plead.

Then why'd you cut?

You made me!

Now, now. No yelling. You wouldn't want to anger me again, would you?

I fall silent, even in my own thoughts. A few tears spill down my cheeks. I don't want to die, I don't want this voice here. I just want to be normal.

'Addi? What is it?' Dan asks, noticing my sudden spurt of tears.

'I couldn't find anything.' Phil says, 'Addi? What happened?' Phil glances at Dan who just shrugs.

'I don't want to die.' I mumble. It takes a few moments but my words register into their thought processes.

'You aren't going to die, Addi. Why would you say that?'

Dan's arms tighten around me and Phil sits beside me, trying to get me to continue.

I swallow the growing lump in the throat. I have to tell them. Everything. The voice, the 'Pepper situation', everything going on with Cass. I'm going to tell them.

If you tell them, I will make you kill yourself. Don't under-estimate me again. Remember what I just made you do without even trying? Imagine me utterly furious!

Dan and Phil will save me. I am going to tell them.

Fine. It's your funeral. Literally.

'Guys, I have this... this voice. It tells me what to do. It drags me down. This voice, it made me cut tonight. I need help.' I whisper, my body clenching in fear.

I honestly feel as if somebody took a bag of bricks off of my shoulders.

Dan and Phil are silent. Then they ask me why I kept this from them. I don't know how to respond. I need some quiet. I can't tell them anything else tonight. Dan tells me that I won't be going to school tomorrow, or really, today, because they need to know how I want to handle everything. I'm perfectly fine with this, to be honest.

I was so happy. I was clean. What happened?

Wrong move.

word count: 1112