My Brother

Zoned

After crying my eyes out for over an hour I finally get up from off the floor and my body feels completely weird. I no longer feel like myself. I'm honestly zoned out from reality and what's going on around me.

I make my way back to the kitchen and grab the knife and head upstairs.

I place the knife on my nightstand, head to the closet and grab all of Tahj's shit. I begin throwing his things everywhere and ripping his clothes off the hangers like a mad man. I can't believe Tahj would do me like this. All that we've been through and all those years I've wasted on him.

Granted our relationship isn't perfect and it has been for a while but him stepping outside of our relationship was the last thing that I ever expected. For three years I've made this nigga a priority. I've always put him first. I always supported him and made sure he was good. Even when shit first started to go downhill I remained faithful. I've never cheated. Never looked at another man the way I looked at him. Never even thought about another man.

I begin boxing up Tahj's things. His shirts, pants, shoes, etc. all his shit was getting the fuck out my house.

For the next hour and a half I'm cleaning out my closet and bringing Tahj's shit from upstairs to downstairs. Suddenly I come across a picture of me and Tahj when we first started dating. Immediately I began to get sad. I wish that I could relive that moment. I'd do anything to go back to that day and to stop the pain that's in my heart. A tear begins to drop and before I know it I'm crying again.

I head to the bathroom, turn on the shower and sit on the toilet seat still crying.

My head is hurting, my eyes are swollen and puffy I'm sure from all the crying I've been doing. Shit there's even snot running down my nose but does that stop me from crying? No. Nothing can take away these tears. It seems like the more I think about it the harder I cry. I know I shouldn't be wasting my tears over a nigga who clearly doesn't give a damn about me but shit, that doesn't make stop crying; in fact it makes me cry just a little bit more harder.

I take off my clothes and finally get in the shower. As soon as the hot water touches my skin I feel relaxed. For a tiny second I forgot that I was even upset. Once again I feel zoned out, not really aware of what's going on around me. After I've washed off completely I just stand in the shower letting the water hit me everywhere. I don't even realize that I've started back crying and the hot water that I'm feeling are my own tears running down my face.

About ten minutes later I turn off the water and step out the shower. I quickly grab my towel and wrap it around me.

"Let's see how hard you've been crying Ky" I tell myself out loud while walking towards the mirror.

I close my eyes and take a deep breath before looking at myself in the mirror. Due to the fog I can't even myself. "Maybe it's better if I don't". I turn off the lights and head downstairs to the kitchen.

I head to my pantry, grab a bottle of wine, grab a glass and head back to my room.

*buzz buzz*

I hear my phone ringing and vibrating but I can't find it, nor do I care to find it. Whoever it was just had to wait.

I sit down on the bed and immediately pop the cork. I waste no time and gulp a serious amount of wine straight from the bottle.

I take another big gulp and it doesn't take me much longer to start feeling it.

I lay down and there goes my phone again getting on my damn nerves. "WHO AND WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT!?" I yell. I find myself phone and without even looking to see who it is I answer the phone. "WHAT!?"

"Kyla don't hang up please. I just wanna make sure you're okay." a man's voice says. I know this lying voice from anywhere.

"Fuck you, stop calling me" I yell at Tahj.

"Kyla please just hear me ou---" before he could finish I hung up the phone and took another sip of wine.

Nigga fuck you

*buzz buzz*

My phone starts ringing and at first I don't answer. Shortly afterwards my phone rings again and I'm hella annoyed. I just wanna finish my bottle and go to sleep in peace. My phone rings for a third time and by this point I'm damn near seeing red.

"DIDN'T I TELL YOU TO STOP CALLIN' ME"

"I know damn well you ain't raising your voice at me like that" I hear a lady's voice say.

Oh shit. It was my grandmother.

"I'm sorry grandma, I thought you were someone else" I say apologetically. 

"Are you okay? You've never talked to grandmama like that before"

"I'm fine grandma, I just didn't know it was you" I respond while rolling my eyes. "Girl don't you give me that. I know when something's wrong with my grand baby" my grandma says. "I can hear it in your voice".

"It's nothing grandma. Me and Tahj just got into it that's all."

"He didn't touch you did he? You need me and your Uncle Willie James to make a visit?" When it comes to me my grandmother doesn't play. I'm the only girl with three brothers so that explains a lot. "Willie, go get my bag and start the car" I hear my grandma say.

"Grandma it's okay! Really" I say before she could get anything else out. "He didn't touch me. We were just arguing."

"Baby, you know grandma don't mean you no harm...."

HERE WE GO I think to myself. Anytime she says that she's about to preach.

"You need to leave that nappy headed ass boy alone" she continues. "He doesn't mean you no good. Why don't you let me hook you up with one of the nice boys at the church?"

"Can we talk about this another time? Please. I've had a long day and I just wanna go to sleep." I did not wanna hear my grandma go on and on about the guys at her church. I've seen them and yeah, a few are good looking, but my heart belongs to Tahj. My feelings aren't just gonna go away overnight.

"I'll be calling you as soon as I leave from church then" grandma tells me. "Gon' and get some sleep. Grandmama loves you."

"I love you too. Goodnight." I hang up the phone and it's back to me and my bottle.

I looked over and there was the knife I brought from the kitchen. To be real, what I was thinking was real tempting. If I wanted the pain to go away there was only one way I was thinking.

I grabbed the knife and took another big gulp.