Am I good enough yet? (Phan)

Chapter 25

Phil's P.O.V

Dan seemed calmer today, whether with me or the situation in general I wasn't sure.

I brought him tea this morning, and we snuggled under a blanket. Honestly none of it felt real, it felt like we were pretending. Pretending that everything is okay, that we can just forget about it in two minuets like we have with other petty arguments, but this was more of a big deal. We need to address it head on and stop lying to ourselves when we say we're perfectly alright with what's going on here.  

And yet I'm lying to bear, but for his own good.

That's different isn't it?

If I'm trying to save him does that make it okay? Probably not. Just go with it, and it won't have to last as long. I only want to get things back to normal with Dan. My 'situation' can stay private after that, he won't have to hear about it anymore.

I need to get the money to them, and they'll be gone. And then it truly will be back to normal. Back to a life with no secrets and no lying and no guilt.

"Bear, can we talk about this please?"

"Y-yeah. I know we need to."

"I suppose I'll start with the simple fact that you already know. This is almost over,"

A lie.

"You found out about this when things are just dying down."

A lie.

"So as long as you don't worry yourself, as long as you trust me, this can be forgotten about pretty quickly."

This one isn't quite false, it depends if things go well.

"I'm not asking you to forgive me straight away. This is a big secret and me keeping it from you was the worst thing I've ever done."

And yet you still are Phil, I tell myself.

"I was scared you would leave. I'm sorry for being so cowardly but I- I didn't want to lose you. I just want to be able to enjoy Christmas, and I bet before the end of December it'll all be finished with."

Lies, lies, lies, lies.

The way bears face softened. That look of complete and utter trust and love crippled me with guilt.

He really believes in me.

I'm a monster.

A sick, twisted monster for doing this to him, even if it is a sort of safety net.

It means he won't die with me, if the worst did come to the worst.

That won't happen though.

I've almost got the money.

It's almost in their hands.

I'll finally be at peace.

"I love you."

"I love you too bear."

That was one thing I wasn't lying about at least.

I need to make sure he knows.

So I hug him as if I was going to lose him.

And I will love him as dearly as I ever have.

I will not let him go. 

--- 

I know I said the next update will be longer and more detailed but I wanted to show the fact that they are already starting to make up about this.

That Dan trusts Phil so much that he doesn't question anything. As well as the fact that Phil really does Pheel (I'll jump out the window into the trash) bad about what he's doing. That it's hurting him even more to have to lie but it's the only way Dan can be safe. 

Phil is tearing himself apart, for Dan more than himself, but he'll do it anyway. Almost in a self sacrificial sense.

The lies are a horrible but with good intentions, and you could say that about a lot of characters and their actions. The person doing them always believes what they are doing is right, even if it causes pain, even if to everyone else it is the worst thing to do...

And I just wanted to say that Phil really does love Dan, that bit definitely is not made up, he loved him so much that he was willing to do pretty much anything for him... 

Also thank you for 468 reads! It really does mean a lot to me, and the comments and things like that always cheer me up, I enjoy reading them all! 

(Sorry for rambling at the end)!