Roller Coaster Called Life // phan

Don't

Dan's POV

-

It's been two weeks since Phil came home. Phil has been at my side since that night. He makes me feel like I'm not alone. Whenever I get dark thoughts I go to Phil and he comforts me while I fight my demons. My thoughts have slowed down. I've begun to feel loved again. One thing that's been helping me is that I haven't been on my laptop at all during the last 2 weeks. Phil has been updating my twitter so the world doesn't think I've died, and he's been sticking up for me online with the haters.

-

It's now been four weeks since the incident. I've begun to return online since I've almost completely recovered. The internet has sort of returned to normal (whatever that is) but I still get thoughts about the few homophobes and haters. I have told Phil that I no longer get the thoughts and I have started acting like before. I hate lying to Phil but I remember the promise I made that dreadful night. I hate seeing therapists. They always say that they completely understand but I never believe them. I feel like Phil is a better therapist than all of the previous therapists I've seen for my depression.

-

We are sitting at breakfast eating cereal on our laptops when Phil decides to bring up the dreadful subject.

"Dan, now that you have recovered I think it's time we see a therapist, together. I think it would be good for me too." He sounds so sincere, but he doesn't get it, I hate therapists.

"I don't want to, I don't think it will help me. Therapists usually make me feel even worse." I say nonchalantly, I really don't want to get into this with Phil. I've only ever had this argument with my mum and dad before.

"Dan, you promised." He looks at me with sad eyes. I hate seeing him upset but it's really hard for me to see a therapist. He just needs to understand, and I'm sure he will, he always does.

"Ya? Well I think I'm gonna have to pull back on that promise..." I say with a smirk and a giggle.

"This isn't funny Dan. Us going to see a therapist isn't only good for you, it's for me too. Could you just do it for me, please?" I see the serious look in his eyes and I hate saying this but I have to stand with my argument. I stand up from my seat and I simply tell him,

"Phil, I don't want to disappoint you but this is my decision. You can't force me to see someone. I honestly don't think I need to see someone. Nothing is wrong with me." He stands up, he looks mad.

"Yes it is your decision, I can't force you but I can convince you that this is what is best for you, and us. And if you honestly think nothing is wrong with you then what are those scars on your wrists? Name one fucking 'normal' person that has scars on their wrists! A 'normal' person that self-harms! Dan you are not fine. Something is wrong with you and you need help." Shit, he cursed, he never curses unless he's mad. His volume is rising and I can't look at his face. He is so strong when he gets serious but I have to stand strong too.

"No Phil. I refuse to see someone. I honestly think nothing is wrong with me. You can try and convince me but today I have to stand with my point." God, he looks really mad. Shit.

"DANIEL JAMES HOWELL YOU WILL GO SEE THAT THERAPIST, YOU PROMISED ME. IF YOU DON'T SEE SOMEONE I AM FUCKING LEAVING THIS FLAT." No. I see him fiddling with his ring. No. He said he loved me.

"No." I turn away from him and walk off to my room feeling confident yet... beaten.

~

Phil's POV

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Oh my god. I just yelled at Dan. I-I don't even know what to say. I walk to my room quickly, with fury, slam my door and breakdown in tears against my bedroom door. How could he do this to me. He promised me that he would see someone, how could he break another promise? A dreadful thought drifts into my head,

Phil, you have to follow through. You have to leave the flat.

As much as is hurts me to leave, it's for Dan. He needs to learn what's good for him. Plus I know that he will come back to me after no more than 2 weeks.

I pack up my things and leave the flat with tears streaming out of my eyes...without saying goodbye.

~

Dan's POV

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I hear the door shut behind Phil. He is going to come back right? After a few hours of crying and fiddling with my ring I stand myself up and take a dreadful walk to Phil's room, hoping to find all his stuff left untouched. But that's not what I find. Instead I find a mess of extra clothing all over the floor and all his valuables gone. That's it. He's left. Phil Lester has left without saying goodbye.

-

I can't bear looking at his room any longer, I stand up grab my hoodie and run out the door leaving everything behind. My laptop, my best friend and my life. I hail a taxi to the London Bridge where I hop out and let fate lead me the rest of the way. Phil hates me, the internet hates me, and finally, I hate me. I can't take this anymore. I step onto the ledge of the bridge and extend my arms and...

~

Phil's POV

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I can't believe I left. I have left my things at a near by hotel and now I'm going for a walk just to clear my head. I love Dan, I hope he knows that, but I can't stand seeing him like how he is now, so for my health, I had tot leave. I try and convince myself that it was good that I left, that he will learn and it will only make him stronger, but I can't help but think that he is miserable and having an existential crisis right now. I feel the urge to go back to the flat and apologize. I can't. I decide to compromise and call him instead. He doesn't answer, he's obviously upset. I keep walking on the London bridge when all of a sudden I see a dark figure on top of the ledge, crap, not another suicide. I feel like I can't help Dan but at least I can help this person. I walk up behind the hooded figure and try and talk them out of it.

"Dude, do you really want this? Trust me, I've gone through bad times, this is not the answer, you have so much more life to live." I carefully rest my hand on his shoulder. He resists. He leans forward to jump but I catch him right in time. I turn him around and pull down his hood to talk to the lad beneath the hood.

No. It can't be.

"Why did you let me live? You don't love me! You hate me. Let me go!" He tries to fight his way out of my arms, but I will never let go. Not this time. My thoughts are swirling, how could we have let it get this far. Dan was going to die. He was going to leave me. I can't speak, I can't think of what to do next.

You did this Phil, you let it get this far. You're the one who left him.

All that I can think to do it kiss him. I lean in with my arms still embracing him tightly and I kiss him like I mean it. I kiss him like it's our last day on earth. I kiss him, because I love him.

-

A/N: Not much I can say..

-zoe