shattered//phan

one

sleep. the only thing everyone in the world can have. except me. why sleep? we are only on this planet for 80-100 years, and we waste most of it in a cocoon of warm blankets and dreams. for me, nightmares. every time i close my fucking eyes. wondering when i was gonna die. praying it was soon. wishing it was soon. i looked at the clock next to my bed. 7:32 am. my first class was at 11:00 today. since i was "highly intelligent", i was rushed out of middle school and high school, and was sent immediately sent to college. my parents claimed i was smart enough to study law, so that's where i've been for the last two years. slowly dying alone in a dorm room. i tried telling my parents, but they said would i rather die there or in the cold london streets. i picked the cold london streets and they hung up. i decided that i would leave my bed and get dressed to go to the campus book store. i recently heard john green had written a new book, so maybe i would go to get it. if i'm up for it. i walked to my bureau and got out a pair of pastel pink jeans, following with a spirited away jumper. no one here watches anime, so i'm stuck explaining to all the confused twenty-two year olds why i have a ghost on my shirt. then they tell me to grow up and stop watching cartoons, and explain why Grey's Anatomy is the best show that has happened in television history. i stop paying attention when they open their mouths. i laced up my black converse and brushed my hair to it's normal ugly position. a fringe. i grabbed my pink flower crown and put it on my head. i brushed my teeth before grabbing my wallet and phone. the hallway smelled like alcohol. it was monday morning, so there was probably a party last night. that i obviously wasn't invited to. great. i tried to make no eye contact with any of the open doors, but my life doesn't work like that. "hey, baby howell!" i turned around to see tessa, a girl he had at least two classes with. she tries to flirt with me every other day, today i'm guessing was one of the days. she ignores the fact that i like boys. "it's dan." she giggled. "you are such a cutie! how about we get coffee?" i shook my head. "it's okay. i uh, don't like coffee. thank you though." her smile faded. "why do you never want to hang out with me?" i bit my lip. "i like being alone. i'm sorry." i speed-walked to the stairs, tessa still screaming 'get back here!' at me. i was on the second level in a eight story building, so i was lucky that i was close to the lobby. but my fat ass still makes me almost pass out when i reach the bottom level. i walk in the lobby, continuing to stare at the white marble floor. i wasn't really in the mood to talk to anyone. not today. tessa still continued to follow me, but i got the chance to race out the two lobby doors, being greeted by the cold front of manchester. the book store was right next to a starbucks, but i just wanted to get the book and go. the glass doors weren't even fully open yet when i walked in. the room had a scent of strawberry, slightly mixed with lemonade. i looked down the endless aisle's to see "new!" bolded and in a stand-out white font. it was empty in that row, no people to be in sight. i saw on the shelves all of john's older books like paper towns and the fault in our stars. his newest addition was called "looking for alaska."  i skimmed the back of the book and found it quite interesting, so i went to the register and payed for it. after walking out from the store, i looked at the time on my phone's cracked screen. 8:20 a.m. i have a few hours until class, so i thought about getting a coffee, and possibly start my book. i walked into the starbucks, and the barista looked at me and laughed. "aren't you too young for coffee?" i bit my lip. "i'm eighteen, thank you." he rolled his eyes at me. "why are you on a college campus? i was in high school that age." i was starting to get angry. "well, i was smarter than everyone else in my grade, so they moved me. and maybe that's why i'll get a better job than a barista at a branded, over-priced, quite horrible honestly, coffee shop." i grabbed my coffee as the man looked at me. "toodles!" the whole line of people, some of them i have a class with, stared at me. i smiled and awkwardly shuffled out the door. i sighed and walked to the park. it was the only place i could be alone without tessa up my ass or my professors asking me why i wasn't paying attention. they should be asking me how i aced that exam without paying attention. i found the big tree i always sit under, and sat on the rickety bench. i took out of my book and took a sip of the bitter coffee. he forgot sugar. asshole. i opened the book and started to read. "one hundred thirty-six days before." i briefly looked up and saw someone out of the corner of my eye. they had on all black, the only color showing being the silver studs on his leather jacket. while, also his socks. he was wearing light blue on his right foot, and a light green with blue dots on the left. i laughed to myself, and saw him sit on the bench across the park. he was only about 15 feet away. i would say something, but i can't. i saw the pins on his galaxy backpack. it was covered in pins. i couldn't clearly see all of them. but i saw spirited away, totoro and stranger things and that was all i needed to see. one person i've seen in the past two years who likes the same things i do. i saw him take a small glimpse over, his sparkling blue eyes shining in the early morning sun. i took a breath and looked away. i pretended to read, but saw him pull a book out of his bag. it was the same book as mine, but it had post-it notes sticking out it's various pages. he took out a rainbow stack of the notes and a black pen. he opened to a page, and started to write in the book and on the page. i continued to watch for a while, trying not to look like a stalker. he had a beautiful profile, his hair the color of a starless night. i felt someone tap my back, and turned around to see tessa. she had make-up running down her cheeks, and lipstick unevenly on his small, usually pale lips. she chose a bright red today, and it really brought out her pale skin, lightly scattered with small acne scars. it made her red hair contrast with the red she was wearing, which was quite annoying to me. personally. she looked at my coffee. "thought you didn't like coffee, dan." she snarled as i felt my face flush. "well, turns out i do. surprise?" she angrily bit her lip. "you fucking bastard! why do you hate me." i sipped my coffee. "never said i did." i glanced over to blue eyes, who was watching what was happening. i saw him look down again once i looked over. tessa laughed. it wasn't a real laugh. "oh. you're a fag. no wonder. not straight guy wears flower crowns and pink. how was i so stupid? to let myself fall for you since you showed up?" i pouted. "sucks." i was kinda being a douchebag, but this girl hasn't left me alone since i was sixteen. she opened her mouth, eyebrows raised. "you fucking asshole!" she grabbed my coffee and threw it on me, staining my pants and book. "i hope your dick burns off! fuck you!" she stomped away as i felt the hot tears fill my eyes. "fuck y-you too!" i'm not saying i didn't deserve to be told to fuck off, but the hot coffee was overboard. and painful. a tear rolled down my cheek. i was utterly embarrassed. the hot brown liquid stained my favorite pants, and new book. i put my hands in my palms. i forgot my jacket in my dorm, and i couldn't take my jumper off. i felt another tap on my back. i flinched. "hey, i'm not your angry girlfriend." i looked up to see blue eyes standing above me. i laughed. "she's not my girlfriend. more of a stalker." he giggled and sat next to me on the bench, causing it to quietly creak. "what did you do to her?" i shrugged. "told her to stop following me around." he cringed. "harsh." i rolled my eyes. "i'm guessing you go to school over there?" i nodded. "yep." he grabbed some napkins from his backpack. "i graduated last year." i tried to rub at the coffee. "i'm a softmore." he laughed. "how old are you?" "eighteen." his mouth dropped. "are you like extra smart?" i shyly laughed. "i guess." he saw my book, all of the pages ruined. "hey, you're reading this too?" i looked at it and sighed. "was. was reading it." he took his book out of his bag. "here take mine. i finished it." i declined. "it's okay. i'll buy a new one." he shook his head. "no, i insist." i looked at the book. "how did you finish it so fast? it just came out?" he took one of the post-it notes. "i skimmed. john green is my inspiration. i'm an author." i looked at all his notes. "that's pretty cool." he stood up and reached for my hand. i took it and stood up. "what time is your last class?" i felt my heart flutter. "14:13." he handed me a phone number. "call me when you're done. maybe we can get dinner. i'm phil." i smiled like a teenager meeting a band member. "i'm dan." he opened his backpack to get out a pair of black sweatpants. "what do you not have?" i asked as he giggled. "a boyfriend." he handed me the black sweatpants and i slid them over my ruined pants. "i'll give these to you tonight. thank you, phil." he smiled. "anytime. good luck today." i smiled and grabbed his, now my, book. "i'll try." he saw my smile fade. "see ya later, alligator." i raised my eyebrow. "excuse me?" he smiled, but he did this thing where he bit his tongue. "you're supposed to say 'in a while crocodile.'" i wanted scream. he was adorable. "in a while crocodile." i felt my face flush and he walked away. what did i just do.