Born This Way

Chapter 24.

As If I needed one more thing today, my car would not start. I tried for a total of two minutes before I lost the tiny bit of patience I had. I got out, and ran. Just ran. Faster and faster and faster. I tripped a couple times, ripping my jeans, scrapping up my knees and elbows. But I got up and kept running, hoping that if I ran fast enough, maybe I would run into Alison. Maybe if I ran fast enough, I would turn back time. Maybe I’d run right into her backyard and see her by her pool. Maybe I’d see Jenna come up behind her. Maybe if I ran fast enough, I could stop her. I ran to my house and bolted in it. No one was home. It was a Saturday. Everyone was at the Rosewood day parade that we went to every year. Last year I was there with Alison. Three days before she died. I will never go back there again. So after changing out of my wet clothes, I stood in my kitchen. “Im DONE with this..” I said. “im done fighting, Alison. They win.”

I put in my iPod, loud. Listening to any song that had anything to do with death, or being abandoned, or being mad. Some songs I cried, some songs I punched walls. While doing this, I ate. And ate. I started with the ‘it’s a girl’ cake Spencer had made me. There was half of it left, and I ate every bit of it. With it, I ate an entire carton of ice cream. Then I ate a couple handfulls of m&m’s, a full chocolate bar, and with all that, four glasses of soda. It wasn’t enough. I went upstairs and got a hundred dollars out of my moms purse. I’d pay it back, but I didn’t have time to run to the bank right now. Before getting into my moms car, I stopped in my bathroom and took a good look in the mirror. Was I ready to do this? I saw dark circles under my eyes. I shook my head “only for one day. I wont do this again tomorrow. But I need to today.” then I closed my eyes so I didn’t have to watch myself. I took my toothbrush and stuck it to the back of my throat.

I grabbed a bag of Doritos from the pantry and ate them as I drove to the store. I bought anything I thought I would want to binge on. Then I drove and got a full Chinese dinner. I went home and shoved the Chinese in my mouth as I watched all the videos Alison and I had made together. We wanted to be movie stars. We always had a camera pointed on each other. We had made DVD’s of all out home movies thought the years. Four hours of footage all together. I watched it and ate and ate, then after a while, I threw it up and ate some more. I must have thrown up five times until I got the text that my family was on there way home. I cleaned up all the evidence and drove my dads car to McDonalds, where I ate more, and threw up more. I couldn’t stop. It was working. Slowly I felt satisfied. Slowly I felt like I got a change to let go. I sat at the McDonalds table with my head down, feeling sick. “this isn’t enough.” I thought. “I need something else.” what’s next? I thought. Drinking? Smoking? But will that fix it??? I lifted my fat, sorry butt out of McDonalds and drove to Ezra’s apartment. I knocked on the door and waited nervously. Would I admit to him what I did? “Aria! Hi!” he sounded excited to see me. Then he saw my face, and the brown bag in my hand for in case I puked in the car. “what’s wrong?” he asked about to hug me. But I stepped back. I was too ashamed and ugly to be touched. I lost it, collapsing into a puddle of my own pity and shame. Without knowing what was wrong, Ezra not only hugged me, but picked me up and carried me into his room. He set me down on the bed. I guess he could tell I was turning green, because he brought a trash can over, and I almost immediately started hurling into it. As soon as I stopped I looked up at Ezra. It wasn’t enough. I thought to myself. I stuck my finger down my throat, Yes, in front of Ezra. “what’s the matter with you?!?” he grabbed my hand away from me just before I really started puking. I gagged for a second, but then chocked on my own tears. I spoke for the very first time I had been here. “It won‘t bring her back…” I said realizing what I was doing was worthless. “I can’t undo what I did.. I want to go back. I want to save her. But I can’t.. I cant save her.. So why should I deserve to be saved?”