Look but Don't Choke

Chapter 28

      "Evie, did I tell you that Ms. Jenkins--you remember that bitch--her roof fell in. And I was wonderin' if you knew somebody who could come inspect my roof before the next hurricane."

I'd spent the rest of that day catching up on all work I'd missed from my absence. That included calling back my grandmother and half-listening to her ramble about her irrational old person fears.

"Grandma, is that what you called me for? I thought it was important."

My insolence made her scoff. "It'll be important when Grandma gets crushed by a tree."

I remembered who she was and tried a gentler approach. "Didn't we just replace the roof?"

"We did?"

"It wasn't more than four--" My cell started ringing. "Hold on, grandma. Mom's on my other phone."

I answered the cell and pressed it up against the other ear. "Evie? Is your grandma trying to talk to you about her roof?"

"As a matter of fact--"

"Lord, how many times do I have to tell her that we just put a roof on that damn house? I swear she's getting more senile by the decade."

"Regina Harper!" Grandma may or may not be senile but she's got perfect hearing. "I know you ain't over there talking 'bout I'm senile."

"If the orthopedics fit."

"I brought you into this world Gina, and if not for the love of my savior, Jesus Christ, I'd reach through this phone and put my foot all the way up your narrow--"

They could do this without me. "If this isn't important, I need to get back to work--"

Grandma's sharp voice came through the phone like a current of electrified venom. "Don't interrupt me, little girl! You ain't too grown to get a ass whoopin' either."

"Yes, ma'am." Sometimes it was better to just let people ramble.

"So like I was saying; Ms. Jenkins from down the street roof fell in and that triflin' bitch gon' come 'round my house talking 'bout, 'Sophie Mae, you know a cheap roofer?". I'm thinking 'first of all, I told you thirty years ago not to call me', not since the bitch tried to steal my husband; wherever that triflin' fucker is--oh that reminds me! How is it going with your little cop boyfriend?"

"I thought you didn't like him."

"I don't. But then I thought about it and I have these parking tickets and was wondering if he would take care of it."

"I don't think he does that."

"What a useless man!"

"I mean he has health insurance and a pension--"

"Useless!"

"Grandma..." Is now the time to tell her that the relationship was as good as dead? More importantly, would she immediately celebrate?

"This is my fault," Grandma said with a flare of drama. "I should have taught you about all these no good men out here. Lord knows your mama didn't teach you nothin'."

Mama wasn't having it. "Don't put this on me! I taught her everything about men you taught me." I could practically see mama counting the sins on her fingers. "Don't shack up with no brokeass, cheapass, Ain't-about-nothing-ass--"

Grandma cut in. "Wifebeating-ass, non-Christian-ass--"

"Ugly-ass, cheating-ass, having-babies-with-other-women-ass-"