That Easy and Other Short Stories ✔

Panic pt. 1

WARNING:

This story may be a trigger for some readers who experience panic attacks.

Also, please listen to the posted song while reading, if you'd like! It played around in my head a lot while planning this story. 

-Hayley

•••

Anxiety in itself is not beautiful; it is so only when one sees at the same time the energy that overcomes it.

-Søren Kierkegaard

Splotchy black patches clouded my vision like someone had thrown ink at my face, and the conversations around me silenced as if someone had hit mute on a remote. My heartrate accelerated and I began to feel dizzy. Reaching out clumsily, I waved my hands through the air until my knuckles knocked against the hard counter I knew was in front of me, and I clutched tightly onto its edges. Leaning forward, I shifted my weight onto the sturdy countertop and willed my eyes to stay open.

Goddammit. Why was this happening now? This wasn't even an examination— just some measly experiment that barely contributed to my course grade at all. But it was something that I absolutely had to do to pass.

Since high school I'd been experiencing panic attacks. And I absolutely hated them. Most of the time, they were completely random, so I had no way of avoiding them. If I could change one thing about myself, you could bet that'd be it. Who would ever want to go out with someone so weak? Not even my parents knew I experience them. If people knew that I wasn't really tough, that my developed muscles were just part of my façade, I bet I wouldn't have any friends left. 

Breaking into a cold sweat, I clutched at my protective glasses, scrambling to remove them from my face. I felt as though I had awoken in the middle of the night with a fever, sweltering yet cold, and strangled by layers of heavy bedding. Oh, how nice a cool breeze would be, a dip in my cousin's swimming pool—

Sensing the presence of someone beside me, I turned my head to see who was there, but I was still blinded by the blackness. What felt like eons later, the dizziness finally subsided and I was able to make out snippets of the conversations my classmates were immersed in as they introduced themselves to their peers and wandered back to their assigned lockers.

"Hey." The sound was sweet and gentle like a flute.

That was when I noticed her. Her short, silky strawberry blond hair was pulled back into a ponytail and her light green eyes were as beautiful and bright as life itself. Had I died and gone to Heaven?

"I just wanted to make sure you were okay," the angel said. Then her brows furrowed, tainting her friendly expression. "Do you want some water?"

"Yes," I answered, afraid of saying more for fear of embarrassing myself further.

"Okay," she said. Then, her slender fingers grabbed firmly onto my arm and she pulled me toward the exit, where the washrooms were. "Wait here," she instructed. Before I could object, she was gone. A few seconds later, she returned with a Styrofoam cup, filled to the brim with water.

"Thank you," I said, graciously accepting the cup from her. I began to relax as the ice cold water filled my dry mouth and trickled down my throat, and I finished the cup within seconds.

"My name's Taylor," the girl said, smiling cheerfully.

"Andrew," I said, returning her smile. "I'm sorry that you—"

"Don't sweat it," Taylor interjected. A beat later her cheeks reddened and she threw her hands up to her face so they were blocking her pink lips. "I'm sorry! Bad choice of language."

Laughing, I scratched at the back of my neck. "Don't worry. Sometimes...."

Taylor looked at me expectantly. Instead of finishing my sentence, I simply shrugged.

"Thanks," I finally said.

"You're welcome. Um, excuse me asking, but were you having a panic attack?"

"Um, yeah," I admitted sheepishly, wondering how she knew. She probably thought I was a freak. Great.

"My older sister gets them sometimes," Taylor informed me, understanding filling her green eyes. "Are you feeling up to finishing the lab?"

"Yes, I feel a lot better. There's no way I'm letting my hard work go to waste," I said, winking.

Taylor laughed. "That's the spirit! But Andrew? I think... I won't say anything, but it might be a good idea to let the professor know about this. Just for safety reasons."

"I know."

"Good. Then let's go do some chemistry!"

~

Sauntering down three flights of stairs, I replied to a couple of texts I had received during the lab period. When I pushed open the heavy metal doors, the crisp October air made my skin tingle. But the feeling was nothing compared to the rush I felt when I saw Taylor walking a few feet ahead of me. She had on a knit red toque, which added to her beauty.

"Hey Taylor," I said once I caught up to her.

"Oh! Hi Andrew."

"How did you find the experiment?" I asked. I was in such a distraught state earlier that I hadn't noticed how much smaller than me Taylor was, and I had to tilt my head down to meet her gaze.

"It was quite rushed," she admitted. "But I managed to finish, so I'm not complaining!"

"Yeah," I agreed. "I know what you mean."

We both slowed as we approached the V in the path. "What are you up to now?" Taylor asked.

Shrugging, I said, "Just going to grab some food."

"I'm headed to the SUB for dinner. If you'd like, you can come along."

To say I was surprised was an understatement. Two hours ago I never would have imagined the most beautiful girl on campus to have such a kind heart and to ask me to spend time with her. If she could accept me, what was stopping me from accepting me? "Thanks, that sounds great."