That Easy and Other Short Stories ✔

Panic pt. 2

The clinking of glassware sounded throughout the chemistry lab like a wind chime's song on a calm summer day. Once I was finished organizing my own locker, I raised my hand proudly into the air. When I received a nod of acknowledgement from the lab manager, I rested my arm at my side and craned my head to the left to take a final look out the large windows.

The clouds were large and white against the bright blue sky, and it looked as if someone had blown them up like balloons. Across the laneway, the cement clocktower could be see jutting high into the sky like a castle's tower, a couple of crows perched at its tip. From the confines of the chemistry lab, it could have been a warm summer afternoon. But the empty benches encircling the clock tower hinted at the chilly November air, and soon the sun would dip low in the sky before disappearing for the night.

"All ready?" The lab manager slipped a pencil out of his stained coat's pocket, blonde eyebrows arching upward.

"Yes." I smiled and pulled open my drawer so he could inspect my clean-up.

"Okay... hmm... clean...."

I watched as he shuffled through the various beakers, flasks, and test tubes, which clinked as he tousled them.

"Looks good! Have a great break."

I barely had time to thank him before he disappeared across the room to find the next student.

I packed up my pen, lab coat, and safety glasses, tucking them neatly into my backpack. Before leaving, I paused to take one last look at the stunning view.

Some adults say us youngsters don't think about endings enough. That one day university be over and we'll have spent so much of our time here wishing we just had a job that ended at five everyday that we won't realize how great we have it now.

Well, everyone who's ever told me that must have confounded me for someone else.

The past three months hadn't been easy for me. For at least three lab periods following my panic episode, worries of a repeat experience haunted me. The lab manager insisted on giving us a gruelling long lecture/demonstration before every experiment, and that was the time when my mind most liked to get imaginative.

That, apparently, was normal. Or common, since normal is relative. According to my psychologist, anxiety manifests when you're living in the past or anticipating the future. When you're focused on your surroundings and living in the present moment, anxiety rarely causes a problem. In that situation,  stress can be helpful. So instead of worrying about all the possible solutions I could spill on myself, focusing on the instructions the lab manager was giving was probably a) more helpful to understanding the experiment and b) a better way to prevent inducing a panic attack.

It took a few tries to stand in the crowd of other students without the fear of another attack distracting me from the lecture. But one day I asked myself so what? What would I do if I had another moment of intense panic? Well, I would take deep breaths and tell myself I survived the last time and I would survive this time too. What would people think if I collapsed on the floor? Who cares what they would think! Plus, panic attacks do not cause you to faint, usually. So what if I had another attack? The world wouldn't end.

And somehow, accepting the possibility of another panic attack happening made it easier to forget and easier to focus on the lectures.

When I made it down the three flights of stairs, I was surprised to find Taylor standing outside the dirty glass doors. She was alongside two other girls, her strawberry blonde hair hanging loose in a neat bob. When I pushed open the door, she turned around.

"Hey Drew!"

"Hi," I said, raising a hand. My gaze drifted over to her friends, who smiled at me.

Taylor turned to face them. "I'll catch up with you guys later, okay?" She stepped forward to hug each of them. "Have an awesome break."

"You didn't have to say goodbye. We could've stayed if you'd wanted."

"Nah," she laughed, waving her hand dismissively. "I wanted to treat you to dinner. If you'd like?"

I shook my head, lips curling into a smile. "Okay. But what's the occasion? Classes don't end till Friday."

Taylor stopped mid-step and turned to look up at me. "To celebrate." Her lips curled up into a smile. "You did what not everybody does. You faced your fear."

And in that moment I realized she was right. Lots of people could go everyday just ignoring what caused the hairs on their arms to spike up, what caused their heart to race. But living with anxiety? Well, I couldn't do that. Even if I wanted to, where would I be?

I wrapped an arm around Taylor's shoulders, giving her a gentle squeeze. "Come on. Drinks are on me."