Go With The Flow

Overthinking

You want to read with your dad, but don't ask because you assume he's busy playing his video game and won't want to.

When you finally end up reading to him, you lose your spot in the book as you think of every other thing possible to imagine. 

You go to school, ready to take the test you studied for the past couple of days. Once you are given the test, you think of how much it could affect your grade if you fail, and everything you studied flies out of your mind.

You just keep thinking so much as your feelings overwhelm you, so you decide you should talk to someone about it. You choose your brother because you guys are so similar. The problem is, you begin to think that he won't want to listen to your tiny problems. The result of that is, you repress your feelings.

He ends up asking you why you look and sound so numb, but you reply with, "I'm tired," as your mind screams, "HELP ME! I CAN'T DEAL WITH MY DEMONS ON MY OWN! THEY DON'T LET ME SLEEP! THEY DON'T LET ME MAKE MY OWN DECISIONS! THEY DON'T EVER STOP SCREAMING!"

You go hang out with your best friend to take your mind off of your demons, but then this happens: "I love my internet friends." You numbly listen to your best friend drone on and on about her new friends she made online as you silently resent them. You want to just change the subject, but your throat dries up. You feel like you've been replaced. You're not her #1 anymore.

You talk with your step mom because she seems to be in an empathetic mood. You pour your feelings out as y'all eat ice cream and watch Twilight together. Once your done spilling out your heart, she just talks about her past that is worse than what you're dealing with and make you feel bad for complaining. 

You stop trying in school because you know you're not good enough to get into the ivy league colleges you always dreamed of going to. Your demons keep drowning you with them. The thing is, they can breathe in water. They can't be defeated. They don't let you dream big. You feel as if you'll never succeed. 

You begin failing in school since you give up trying. You are then grounded by your distressed step mom. "You are grounded... Do I need to make you pee in a cup? I have a cup for you to pee in if you need to." I look over at my dad who hardly ever speaks his mind. I shakily ask my step mom, "You honestly think I'm on drugs? After everything that's happened in our family?" She snaps, "You've been eating a lot more lately, and your attitude has been dreadful. Oh, and your grades are horrendous." You want to scream things that also tend to give those side effects. "I'M A TEENAGER! I'M DEPRESSED! YOU WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND THOUGH BECAUSE YOU NEVER GOT TO BE A TEENAGER! YOU BECAME AN OVERACHIEVER WHEN YOU WERE UPSET! I'VE BECOME A LAZY BLOB OF FAT! YOU DON'T KNOW WHO I AM! NO ONE DOES! NO ONE EVER WILL! I WILL NEVER KNOW! IT'S HARD TO KNOW WHO SOMEONE IS IF THEY DON'T KNOW THEMSELVES!"

You want to tell your mom everything, but you can't. Either she'll worry too much and make it worse, or she'll forget which will make you feel like crap. You feel upset when you have a family dinner with her, your older brother, and your granddad. She keeps talking to your brother because he's all grown up now, but you're still just a baby. (15) He's 19. He's in college. She doesn't pay much attention to you because she wants to make sure your brother gets attention because we all know he doesn't with our dad and step mom. Our dad does try to give him attention, but it's hard, I guess. You still get jealous when your mom gives your brother more attention than you because you're an attention seeker. Then when you're given the attention, you get anxious and shy away. You hardly ever talk at dinner, but when you try and are told wait a second, you get upset and angry. They'll sometimes understand and give you the floor, but you forget what you were going to say, so you tell them, "Never mind, it wasn't important anyway." They frown at you saying that, but continue with their conversation.

You want to talk to your granddad about your sexuality and everything like that because he's gay. When you decide you should, you think about how everyone bashes bisexuals because "it's mainly just people experimenting," but you know you're not. You've felt like this you're whole life. You end up not talking to him about any of it because you feel like he will judge you. It's ridiculous though because he's the most caring person in the world. 

When you walk in public with your friends, you feel self conscious. They're all so much prettier than you. You know that too because it shows in people's eyes that walk by. They feel drawn to your friends, but one look at you, and they cringe away. They compliment your friends, but don't even acknowledge you. If you try telling your friends, they play dumb because they don't want to admit that that happened because they just want to feel happy about being complemented, especially since they were specifically complemented and not the other person with them. After events like that, you begin to feel unwanted. You feel disgusted. You feel ugly. You look at photos on Instagram with you and your best friend. The comments are overloaded with complements on your friend, but none for you. You look at the comments on the Best Friend Tag you guys put on YouTube and cry. People keep complementing her. One comment says, "Why is that ugly chick in the video? If it just had the smokin' babe on the right, this video would've been amazing." Your friend was on the right in that video. Whenever people give your best friend Tbh's (To be honest), they tell her she's amazing, beautiful, etc. When they give you tbh's, they give you, "You're nice. You're loyal. Etc." None of them ever include that you're beautiful. 

There is so much more, but this already too much for me to write because my demons are feeding off of this.