wishes {on hold}

Letter 1

Dear Handsome,

How are you?

Scratch that, we both know it's not good. Even though I wish you were, that you were okay and this never happened. I mean, how could this happen to you? Of all people, why you? Doesn't God see how much I need you?

It's been eleven days now. Two hundred and sixty four hours without being in your embrace. Fifteen thousand, eight hundred and forty minutes without hearing you say my name or feeling your lips on mine. I miss it, more than I ever thought I would. Remember that one time when you had to leave for three days? It was for a family vacation to the Caribbean. Those four days were hell. I felt so lonely, empty without you. Multiple that by a hundred and you get what I'm going through now.

But that can't compare to the amount of pain you must be in. Though you can't feel it right now, that moment, that flash before it all turned upside down. I know what you must've felt, thinking how this would hurt everyone. You always put others before yourself. My pain could never match that, but knowing that you felt that hurts me even more. Knowing you, if you ever read these I know you would feel an insurmountable amount of guilt at what I just confessed. Still.

It's not your fault.

It could never be. You didn't bring this upon yourself, I did. I know what you would say to that too.

Don't blame yourself.

But it is kind of hard considering I'm left here, unscathed, while you are suffering, silently. If anyone deserves this, it's me, not you. I hope you will be alright and you can forgive me... If not, I never will.

I wish we could switch places; I wish it was me, not you.

Love,

The One You Called Beautiful