Over the Years (Stucky fanfic)

Log entry 3

So, high school.
Me and Bucky went to the same one, George Washington High in Brooklyn, from 1932. It was normal; I was average in most things except gym, whereas Bucky excelled in gym and was actually a huge overachiever.

High school is a big part of anyone's life, but for me it never stood out much. I had hoped that puberty would help somewhat, however, that was not to be and I remained sickly and scrawny and a perfect target for alleyway beat-ups. Bucky tried to protect me, bless him, but he couldn't be there all the time.

There was another, worse problem I encountered in high school. I'm told that it is perfectly acceptable nowadays, but I didn't like girls. I tried to be interested, I tried to develop attraction, for any girl, and it didn't work. Bucky was popular with the girls, and managed to get me a date or two, but try as I might I couldn't be interested. I thought there was something wrong with me - well, that was what society at the time thought too. I was terrified to tell anyone, not even Bucky. In fact, especially Bucky. Because there was something I realised.

People knew about homosexuality back then, they just didn't accept it. In tenth grade, I eventually put two and two together and realised that this was what was "wrong" with me. Along with this realisation came a more dreadful one: the feelings I had for Bucky were almost exactly the same, if not stronger, as what he described his feelings for his girlfriend at the time. I was in love with - or at least extremely attracted to - my best friend.

OK, I think I need to say it a bit clearer. I need to hear it, loud and clear, from my own mouth. I'm skirting the issue here.

When I was 16, I realised that I was in love with my best friend.

--

Bucky had never even mentioned feeling anything for a guy, so it was safe to say that he wasn't ever going to return my feelings. It was agony, the first few years.
Every time he smiled, every hug or show of affection, reminded me of my feelings. Every time I saw him kiss a girl, it was a stab in the gut. I couldn't stop myself staring, whenever he had his hair done nice, or took his shirt off in my presence. He was an attractive guy, and that was hard to ignore. But I had to.

Eventually I managed to suppress the feelings, the... love... well enough so that no-one would ever find out. It still hurt, but I convinced myself that I would never get them returned, so there was no point in them. I went to art school for two years, and that certainly helped put a distance between me and those forbidden feelings. After my mother died in 1936, I dropped out, and Bucky was all I had. We became as inseparable as we were in elementary school. There was the huge problem of my feelings, but he never suspected anything, and I managed to deal with them.

As if I needed any more confirmation of what I felt, my body decided to make it clear. I had a few near-misses as I grew older, when things happened -down below- in response to something Bucky did. It was incredibly embarrassing, but he didn't notice. That was almost worse, because as I matured, I just wanted to tell him more and more. We shared a lot of secrets, and maybe he could've kept mine. If the feelings were for any other guy, then I would have told him, but it was Bucky. I almost did tell him, once. After mother's funeral, he walked me home. He said some words which I have treasured ever since, which sounded so close to what I wanted to hear from him; "I'm with you till the end of the line." But I backed out from replying, decided to not say anything.

--

After a few more years of struggling with myself, the war began. It had been going on so far away, and then all of a sudden we were caught up in the middle of it. We learnt about it in an art class, and I immediately knew that I wanted to sign up. I wanted to do what was right, and the Nazis were of course just huge bullies. I wanted to stand up to them, stop them doing all the terrible things that they were. After all, I had no right to sit on the sidelines while the men around me gave up their lives.

Bucky and me went straight to a recruitment centre. I was disappointed, though, with a large 4F stamp declaring me unfit for duty. Bucky, of course, was accepted, and I felt a hole open in my heart as I realised that I might never see him again. I tried multiple times in multiple cities, but each time I was refused. I wouldn't give up, though. Bucky took me to a science fair, the day before he was shipped off to England, and it was there that my luck changed. I met Dr Erskine, who although I didn't know it then, had chosen me to be the subject of an experiment to create the perfect soldier. I leapt at the chance, but had to leave Bucky behind to go for training. That was painful. We had been together basically our whole lives, and the feelings I harboured for him only made it more difficult to say goodbye. I was determined that one day, I would see him again and have the courage to tell him what I felt.

Well, there we go! Steve has admitted the feelings he has kept hidden for so long. This chapter was a bit longer, was that good or bad?