Life In The Bunker

Insecurities

     Sam blinked as the sound of Dean playing his rock music blared through the Bunker. He looked over at the clock on his nightstand, and saw that it was 9:46am. He then looked down at his side, there Jade was, snuggled into him. Sam lived for these mornings. It made him feel as though he was living a somewhat normal life. He felt like he had it all. The family, the girl, in these moments life seemed worth living. Jade stretched, and yawned.
     "Good morning." Sam smiled down at Jade. She opened one eye and smiled back at him.
     "What time is it?" she asked.
     "Does it matter?" he teased.
     "Well if it's before noon then I don't want to be awake." She said closing her eyes. Sam sat up in bed and stretched.
     "Nooo, you're warm, get back down here." she begged, motioning for him to lay down.
"It's time to get up. Deans probably making breakfast." Jade grabbed ahold of his arm and tried to pull him back down, she had no such luck. She sat up and sighed.
"You're impossible." she said, and Sam laughed. He got up out of bed and picked up a shirt off the ground and put it on. Jade plopped back down on the bed and buried herself into the blankets. "I can't do it, I'm going back to sleep." Sam walked to her side of the bed and ripped the blankets off her. He then picked her up and flung her over his shoulder.
"SAM WINCHESTER YOU PUT ME DOWN RIGHT NOW!" she yelled while beating on his back. He laughed and carried her to the dresser. He opened one of the drawers and pulled out one of his shirts, and a pair of her jeans from another. He then set her down and put the clothes in her arms.
     "Get dressed, and meet me in the kitchen."
     "So bossy." She teased. Sam leaned in and kissed her.
     "Sure am, how else am I going to keep you in check." He said, winking. He turned for the door and opened it, but before he left, he turned around. "Oh, and make it quick. The sooner you get in there the sooner we can tease Dean about last night." With that, Sam closed the door and left. Jade smiled. He was such a dork. She put on Sams shirt, which was entirely too big for her, and then her jeans. She stared at herself in the mirror, at her body, at her face. After awhile of just staring, she ran into the bathroom and started going through her makeup.
"Not gonna bother with foundation, because fuck that shit." She said, setting the bottle aside. She dug through her makeup bag until she found her eyeliner and mascara. She did her eyes, and then filled in her eyebrows. She stepped back from the bathroom mirror and looked at her makeup. She thought it looked good, but something inside of her still wasn't satisfied with how she looked. Again, she caught herself lost staring at her reflection. A knock on the door startled her back into reality.
     "Jade?" It was Sam.
     "Yeah?" She said, opening the door. Sam looked at her and smiled.
     "I like the makeup. It looks very nice on you." Jade smiled at the compliment, but couldn't help but feel a little disappointed. Sam noticed something was off and pulled her into a hug. "Are you alright?"
     "I'm fine, just tired." Jade said. She wished she could tell Sam what was wrong, but she didn't exactly know what to say. He wouldn't understand like she did. Jade pulled away and stared at the floor.
     "If you want to go back to bed I'd be-"
     "No, I'll be good. I promise." She said forcing a smile. "Anyways, I don't think Dean got enough shit last night, and I want to make sure he does." Sam smiled, but he still felt like something was off. Jade made her way through the hallway and walked into the kitchen. Dean was supposed to be cooking the bacon, but instead he was using the spatula as a microphone as he sang to Claire. Maddi and Castiel were sitting at the table laughing at Dean.
"So I mixed up the batter and she licked the beater. I scream, you scream, we all scream for her, don't even try 'cause you can't ignore her! SHES MY CHERRY PIE" Dean pointed at Claire and belted out the words like no one but her was watching.
     "Dean," she laughed. "You're going to burn the bacon, pay attention." Reluctantly Dean turned around and started working on the bacon again, but continued to sing. Claire looked up and smiled at Jade. "Hey there cute stuff, how'd you sleep?" Jade opened her mouth to speak, but before she could Dean answered.
     "I slept fine how about you?" Claire laughed and punched his shoulder.
     "I wasn't talking to you, smart one, I was talking to Jade."
     "Yeah Dean." Jade teased. Dean turned around and gave her the evil eye and she stuck her tongue out at him. "I slept fine though, thank you for asking." Dean whirled around.
"Why only fine? Did Sam keep you up all night?" Dean winked. Jade rolled her eyes.
"I don't know, did your stretched out asshole keep you up all night?" Maddi, Claire, and Sam burst out laughing. Dean tried to think of something to say, but instead he turned red and went back to work on his bacon. Castiel turned red and looked down at the table.
     "Don't worry Cassie, you're not the one under scrutiny here, only Dean." Maddi said, kissing his cheek.
     "Why only me?"
     "Because you're more fun to tease." Maddi said, still laughing.
"I hate you all," Dean muttered under his breath.
"You love us." Maddi yelled. Jade took a seat next to Maddi and Sam sat beside her.
     "Would you like anything to drink?" Sam asked Jade. She thought for a minute.
     "A bottle of vodka sounds nice." Sam rolled his eyes.
    "It's a little early for that."
     "Well in that case I'll just take a coffee." She smiled. Sam stood up and started walking to the coffee machine. "A spiked coffee." She laughed.
     "Make that two," Maddi added. 
     "Actually three." Claire smiled at Sam.
     "I'm not making spiked coffee for any of you, I don't need a Bunker full of alcoholics." Sam called over his shoulder.
"Too late!" Dean yelled.
     "True." Maddi said. Dean brought the bacon to the table along with pancakes and eggs Claire made earlier and they all ate, making small talk. Castiel made a joke that everyone understood for once and the table erupted in laughter, everyone but Jade. Sam looked over at her, and put his arm around her waist.
     "Are you sure you're alright?" Sam whispered in her ear. She looked up at him, and kissed him.
     "I'm fine," she lied. He continued to look down at her worryingly. She smiled and leaned her head on his shoulder.
     "Well, if you say so. You just seem a little off lately, especially today. I want to see you happy and laughing." He said, kissing the top of her head.
     "I'm gonna excuse myself from the table. I think I'm going to go back to bed." Jade said, standing up abruptly and taking her plate.
     "Are you alright?" Maddi asked.
     "I'm fine." She snapped, getting tired of that question. "I'm just not feeling that well at the moment."
     "Well do you need me to get you anything?" Claire asked.
     "If you're sick I'm sure I can do something to help. My grace is very good at fixing sickness and healing pain." Castiel offered.
     "Thank you guys, but it's probably nothing. I'm just going to go back to bed." Jade hurried off to her room and locked the door behind her. She sat on the bed, and rested her head in her hands. Slowly, she looked up, and caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror. She stood up and walked to it, examining herself. A sudden rush of anger and sadness and self loathing hit her, she immediately broke, tears falling freely down her face. Streaks of mascara and eyeliner stained her cheeks, only angering her more. She trudged to the bathroom and grabbed a washcloth, and put it under hot running water. She scrubbed her face clean of all makeup, and looked up at herself. The anger and sadness and self loathing came stronger, and she felt herself go into a state of uncontrollable sobbing. She collapsed to the floor and hid her face in between her legs.
     "Jade?" She heard Sam yelling from past the bedroom door. "Baby, are you alright?" She tried to quiet her sobs, but she couldn't. "Unlock the door, please!" He yelled. She continued to cry, she was unable to do anything else. Her body refused to listen to her demands to stand up, to let him in. She just wanted him to hold her, but she remained on the floor. Her vision went blurry, and the next thing she knew Sam burst through the bathroom door and ran to her. "What the hell happened?" Jade just shook her head, wiping tears from her eyes. "What's wrong?"
     "Nothing." She whimpered.
     "Bullshit. Obviously something's wrong and if you don't tell me right-"
     "Why are you with me?" She asked quietly, her sobs starting to reside. Sam looked down at her in shock.
     "I don't understand. What do you-"
     "Don't play dumb. You know exactly what I mean. Why are you with me?" She snapped.
     "Because I love you." Sam said, forcing a smile. Jade pushed him away.
     "I don't know why."
     "Where is all of this coming from?" He asked, trying to pull her closer, but she just moved away. She hid her face in the corner of the bathroom vanity and the wall. She wished she could disappear. "Jade, please talk to me." he begged. She could hear his voice crack, and she felt her heart break a little.
"I don't deserve to have you. I don't deserve to have this family, these friends-"
"What the fuck makes you think that?" Sam yelled.
"LOOK AT YOU, LOOK AT THEM, AND LOOK AT ME! You deserve so much better than me Sam Winchester. You deserve someone smarter than me, prettier than me, kinder than me! You deserve the best. And I can't be that for you! Those people out there, you, you all love me, and I can't seem to figure out why! I'm so broken, and I'm not the prettiest, I don't fit in with all of you! Maybe I should just leave, die, I don't know!" Jade gasped, trying to catch her breath. She watched Sam, who was now kneeling beside her, staring at the floor. He wouldn't even look at her. She hung her head low, and for a minute they sat there in silence. She hesitantly looked up at Sam, and saw tears falling down his face.
"I... If I made you feel this way I am so sorry."
"It wasn't you, or any of the others." she said quietly.
"So you've come up with this conclusion on your own? That you aren't good enough for us, for me?" he asked, looking up at her. She nodded her head, unable to speak. "Jade... I, what in gods name makes you think you aren't good enough for me. If I didn't want you around, if I didn't love you, I would have told you. But that isn't the case. You said you aren't the best for me, but I absolutely disagree. You are perfect in my eyes. You are flawlessly flawed, perfectly imperfect, I would choose you over any girl you could ever put in front of me. You are a beautiful person, inside and out. Your smile could fix one of my worst days instantly, your laugh could make me happy on my most depressing day." Jade watched as tears fell down Sams face, she could see the hurt written all over it. She instantly felt guilty, knowing that it was because of her. "And the fact that I haven't showed you I loved you enough to make you feel this way-"
"No, it's not that. You have showed me plenty that you love me." She said, trying not to cry again. "Please don't feel guilty."
"I can't help but feel guilty. My most favourite person in the world, my best friend, the love of my life feels unworthy to be mine. I love you, so damn much Jade. You may be broken, but I intend to fix you, like you've fixed me. You are my other half, and if you were to leave, or..." Sams head dropped and Jade watched as he fought back a sob. "Or if you were to die, I would be completely lost." Jade grabbed Sam by the shirt and pulled him into a kiss. He quickly snaked his arms around her waist and pulled her into him, holding her as close as he could get her. When they broke the kiss, she leaned her head on his chest, and held him as tightly as she could.
"I could never leave you, Sam Winchester."