My Sweet Disaster

The Final Step.

6:01 AM
4 July 2013.

Christian,

It's kind of cold today. I am standing in front of that lake. There was noises of the guns, today's forth July. And it's the best opportunity for me to do this alone. No one will be here, only me and my letters to you. It'll be the last letter to you. I wanted to write more but my wounds on my wrist are hurting me. I cannot write further. This pain is just too real. 

Just forget about me like everybody did. This is best for you. You moved on with your life but I got stuck in it. When you were gone I tried so hard to think that you are actually gone, it's hard for you to come back again until some miracle happens. But it won't. Life is uncertain, Chris. You don't know what will happen in next ten seconds.

My mother abused me because I was always busy with my paintings. Was that my fault? I loved it. When she couldn't pay the rent, I did it by selling my drawings. I never talked loudly to my mother, yet she never understood. No matter how long gone I am, there will be always a part of me who will be crying inside the closet.

I wasn't good with studies, but I didn't hesitate to work hard. Was that my fault? I used to love you so much, was that my fault? I had sanity in me, was that my mistake? My mother was the one to let me in, in this world, was that my fault? I was creative, I had creativity in me; was that my fault?

Yeah, everything was my fault. Everyone seemed to think like that anyway. I am crying, sobbing now Christian. I am too much damaged today. Like never before. The page is filling with my warm tears. I'm miserable. I can't believe how miserable I am. I had always been the sentimental type. I wasn't strong enough that I know for sure. 

It's my fault. My death will be my fault and I will hold no one accountable for this but me. As for a last wish I want you to put my mother in to a rehabilitation facility. 

All these letters, they described all the things I felt. Yes, all these might be too sad for you to read. But you don't know how much I felt relieved writing these. I don't think you can read it anyway. There will be many things after my death. I can see that.

You know I can feel death, I am so close to it. Just one step, one jump then I will be free at last. Free from these memories and yes this sadness. I am so happy now. My fucked up life will be over at last. I really screwed all up. I shouldn't have  befriended you. I can feel how you will feel when you'll hear about my death. But that is the only way. And I have to do it. 

It's no ones fault but my own. It's the path I've chosen to go. (It's a lyrics,also.)

At last I realized that, you'll be known to everybody either you're famous or you're dead. I guess we both are known now. Just remember --There was no Aveline and Christian. Only Christian, because I never existed.

"Life is for the living.
Death is for the dead.
Let life be like music.
And death a note unsaid."

― Langston Hughes, The Collected Poems [Chris, this is my most favorite quotes.]

Final words--

Be happy with what you have, be grateful about what life is giving you. Don't be afraid to be loved, just remember people may die but love can never die. Look at the starts and do realize that they are here since the universe was being made. They never panic with their own duties. So just be satisfied with what is around you. Because not every people have chances to realize that.

And one of them is me.

I can't write much further because if I do, I will be here crying the whole day and not killing myself. But I am doing it any way.

Farewell, I hope you have a long and beautiful life.

The one that got away,
Aveline

_________________

"AVELINE!" Christian screamed with all his might. His puffed eyes reflected into the water. But it was not his eyes, it was the most innocent eyes he had ever seen. It was Aveline's. Christian knew that it was just a hallucination but he had hoped this was real. Real enough to hold Aveline's bruised arm and pull her out from the water. "Don't leave me." He sobbed.

Christian looked at the cloudy sky, today it rained. It felt gloomy and cold just like Christian's feelings.

"I am so lost without you." Tears fell slowly on his lap. Or the rain drops begin to mourn with him.

"You aren't, you have me." He heard a voice, a known voice. He didn't know why but in that heartbreaking moment, he smiled a little, making a dimple on the left cheek to appear. He lied down on the side of the bridge with the letters clutched tightly on his chest. As tears kept falling Christian remembered a moment he had with Aveline.

"What do you think about 'Life' Aveline?"

"Life? You cannot describe it unless you are dead. Because when everything ends, you will see an explanation."

"I am so lost, you know. I have no life. Maybe I'm already dead. Am I talking bullshit?"

"You aren't lost, you have me, Christian."

"It's really funny how everything goes blurry in a second, isn't it?" Christian talks to the gloomy sky with his shaky voice. "She was here for a moment and then she faded away." 

______________________________

AUTHORS NOTE

If you're reading this that means you have finished reading the letters. Thank you very much for reading till the end. Just wanted to say; I'm glad you exist. Thank you for existing. Don't hesitate to tell someone when you're not feeling good. We're here to help.

Love,
Auhona