What The Heart Craves (Complete)

Chapter 17 - Part 1

Lacey

The migraine I suffered that night delayed my confrontation with my family over my decision to delay my surgery, but the next morning it was time to face them.

I was even debating if it was a good idea to tell them about the DNR form I'd signed.

Letting out a sigh, I wondered if it was better for them to find out now or run the chance that they would find out after my surgery. Either way, it would not be easy for them to understand my decision. I pushed the thought to the back of my mind, deciding that it wasn't a good idea today. It would be hard enough for me to explain to the people that loved me why I needed more time.

For a few minutes, I stared unseeing at my ceiling. I hadn't heard from Adonis since he'd dropped me off after the doctor's appointment. He didn't want to talk to me, and he had every right to feel that way. If I were in his shoes, I would feel the same way.

The ache in my chest spread and I had to let him go.

I glanced at my clock beside my bed. It was ten already, so I sat up. Trying to build up the courage to face my family wasn't easy, but after a few minutes I dragged myself out of the bed. I had a shower and got dressed.

The house was quiet when I descended the stairs. My family was in the kitchen sitting around the table drinking their coffee in silence. At the sound of my entrance, all sets of eyes settled on me. They were all tight-lipped. My brother had the most visible, angry expression. I could read him like a book. My mom looked more resigned and my father pressed his lips into a thin line as I walked to the cupboard and got a cup out to get myself a cup of coffee.

I poured my coffee before I turned my attention to my family. I took a sip of caffeine fueled drink as my brother pushed away his coffee mug on the table..

"You can't delay the surgery," he said in a firm voice like he was talking to a child. He was treating me like I couldn't make my own decisions. I held his gaze.

"We love you," my father said. My attention moved to him.

"I love you too." This wasn't about that. I loved them more than anything.

A strained silence set over us.

"Look, I know you don't agree with my decision." I was preempting their disagreement.

"How on earth do you expect us to agree to your crazy idea to delay a surgery that could save your life?" My brother raised his voice, standing up. He glowered at me.

His outburst took me by surprise. I set my cup down on the counter as my hands shook.

"Stop," my mom told him, but he glared at me like he wanted to shake some sense into me.

"Shouting at her wont, help the situation." My father used his stern voice that he only used when he was really mad.

My brother crossed his arms. The slight twitch of his jaw signaled he was struggling to maintain his calm.

"We need to sit down and discuss this," my father said, looking from me to my brother. But this wasn't a decision where everyone got a say. I frowned. I don't think they realized how serious I was about delaying the surgery, and I wasn't sure how to handle the unfolding situation.

"Sit down." My father pointed to Alex. My brother looked like he was going to argue, but my father gave him that look that told him not to argue with him. Reluctantly, he sat down.

"Have a seat." My father told me.

"No." I shook my head. My father pinned me with the same look he'd just given my brother, but I would not allow him to steam roll me.

"I love all of you." My eyes moved from one family member to another. "But there's nothing to discuss."

"We can talk about this." My father tried to argue, but I refused to listen.

Alex pressed his lips together, smothering his reaction.

"This isn't something I expect you to understand or agree with, but I want you to respect it."

"You're killing yourself!" Alex snapped. And my eyes shot to his.

"I could die during the surgery." Vulnerable, I crossed my arms. I hated that almost every time I thought about the surgery I faced my mortality and it made me feel more emotional.

Nearly every option available to me might have death hiding behind it. I could have the surgery straight away and die. Or I could have the surgery and survive being only a fraction of the person I had been before. Delaying the surgery meant I could make things worse. With all of that in mind, it was hard to stay positive.

"Maybe we'd be able to understand if you'd explain why you want to delay it," my mom suggested.

My eyes met hers. Would they be able to understand? I wasn't even sure I fully understood it myself.

"If I do it now, there's a slight chance that I'll survive with nothing going wrong. But there's a greater chance I'll die on the operating table." I let out a shaky breath. My mom's eyes softened.

There was another a third option that I would survive but have brain damaged and could not function independently but I didn't want to upset my family by bringing it up.

Their somber faces took in my words.

"The time I have until then could be all the time I have." Then I paused and allowed them a few seconds for my words to sink in. "I'm scared."

I blinked back the tears so I could continue and swallowed. My mom brushed a tear from her face, making me feel worse that I caused it.

"I know I don't have time, but I need it." My eyes watered. "A week or two is all I want. It that so much to ask." I shrugged, my insides were raw. "I need time with the people I love before."

My mom got up and walked over to me, pulling me into a hug. I felt the emotion in my throat while my mom hugged me tight.

"I might not agree, but I understand."

Her words made my swirl of emotions break through the cracks, and I felt a tear slid down my face. The moment my mom released me, my father was there to take her place. He stroked my head as he held me. It reminded me of how he would comfort me as a small child. I brushed a few tears away before my dad let me go.

"Your decision making sucks," my brother said, resentfully.

I felt relieved that they were going to respect my decision. My brother wrapped his arms around me and hugged me.

When he released me, I wiped my tears away. My parents left the kitchen, leaving me alone with my brother.

"Have you spoken to Gray?" I asked him.

My brother studied me for a moment. "Yeah. He is struggling."

I dropped my eyes to the floor. I didn't want to remember the words he'd said to me before.

"Give him some time and he'll come around. He loves you," he said. "This whole thing has been hard for everyone."

I swallowed hard as I listened to him.

"We're all scared we might lose you," he said, and I felt my throat tighten with emotion.

He embraced me. I'd planned to let Adonis go so he wouldn't get as hurt but giving him up wouldn't be easy. Just the short time since the doctor had felt like a lifetime and it had sucked. I wasn't sure I was strong enough to do the right thing.

After facing my family, I didn't have the energy to face anyone else. I avoided calls from Aiden and Reece, knowing they were calling to find out how my appointment had gone. No matter what I did or what I tried to concentrate on, there was no avoiding Adonis in my thoughts. He still hadn't called or texted. It was what I wanted, but it still hurt. Doing the right thing sucked.