Late Night Thoughts

8:03 PM 1/8/17

I have been scared of failure. I have been riddled with anxiety when I questioned if I was good enough. I have felt the worry that plagues the minds of many, but yet I am still here.

I do not regard myself as valiant. I do not admire the fact that I continue to live when there are times I wish I did not. I hate that death is something people want, something that people desire so much that they eventually take the measures to obtain it. 

What happens when the question no longer is, "Am I good enough?" What happens when it becomes, "Am I enough?" 

I am inadequate. 

This phrase haunted me for months. It became a daily mantra for me as I took on my first semester of college. It played on a broken record in my head. I, as a human being, was not enough. I was a failure. I was inadequate. 

I wanted to go home. My body would rack with sobs as I desperately sought the shelter and comfort my home had provided me and what college had not. I should have been happy, but I was not.

And because of that, I hated myself. I hated college. I hated waking up in a place that all too eagerly reminded me that it was not my home.

Just because it is a new year, does not mean my perception of myself has changed. But there is change that I demand from myself. It's time to start being positive. And yes, that is ridiculously cliche, so much so that it almost makes me nauseous. 

But it is true. It is time to look at all of the incredible things that happen everyday, and remind yourself that happiness is not some unattainable entity that life holds in its clutches. 

You can be happy. You deserve happiness. 

There is opportunity all around me and you. 

In the midst of the terror, the sadness, and the aching pain you experience, you must remind yourself that you are more than that which hinders you. 

You are not inadequate. 

In the times of pain, the kind of pain that racks your mind and body and causes you to scream out and makes you forget why you even try at all, you have one job. 

Remember your worth. 

Know your worth. 

You are enough and there is not a single thing in the world that can change that.