Shitposting lol

A mess that is my life!!

I love my mom, we get along like a house on fire, she has taught me a lot in life and I would not be the person I am today without her guidance. But our relationship isn't perfect. 

A few months after having me my family moved (I was born with a cleft lip and palate and a thing called Golden-Har Syndrome, both are difficult in those early years) and it took a big toll on her and she hasn't really recovered. She has struggled with bad headaches for all her life, along with an underactive thyroid, along with anxiety and depression, only recently was she told it wasn't chronic headaches, it was chronic migraines. So from when I was old enough to really remember anything my mom was in bed a lot. She did work for awhile, she worked at a toy store but sooner than later her headaches got the worst of her and she had to quit that job. A family of 6 and my dad was the only one working and his job doesn't really support a family of 6, especially living in Vancouver. 

So we moved.

We moved to Vancouver Island, where it is cheaper, we could not afford to live in the main town, Victoria, so we moved to a place outside of Victoria, an hour plus away depending on traffic. I got foolish, I was only 11 at the time, I thought she would get better and maybe not get a job but be able to see her old friends again (before I was born my family lived in Victoria) but that didn't happen. She was still in bed, I had set myself up for disappointment. 4 years later, she is still in bed, she is still depressed and her underactive thyroid has caused her significant weight gain, so she also struggles with her self confidence now. 

I set myself up for disappointment up every time. I think she'll actually be able to pick me up from school, but then I see my dad in the car. 

I love my dad, sure we have a lot of different opinions but in the end I love him, but he is not a great after-school-I-need-emotional-support kind of dad. I tell him my problem, he tries to tell me how to solve it, I tell him I'm lonely, he tells me that I just need to say hi to someone. My dad, an extrovert in a family of introverts, and he has not adapted well to it, but that's okay, it's good sometimes. 

I struggle at school, I have no friends, I'm going to a school that does not fit for me (too far away, getting home at 4:15 when we get out at 3 is ridiculous, sometimes we get home later actually. The drive in is no better either) and my family, I love them, but they create a negative environment. I am not doing okay, I struggle, everyday I leave school, drained and lonely, at a point where really I just need to see my mom. Then there is my dad in the car waiting, god I hate myself for the pang disappointment I feel when I see my dad in the car, I should be thankful, grateful of the sacrifices my parents have made this semester for me, but I can't help but feel disappointed. 

Then it sets in, the anger. The anger at my mum, the anger that I suppress, my worst enemy. I don't want to feel that, I don't like that I get angry at my mum for something she can't control, but it feels like I can't control it. Sometimes it all gets too much, I want to scream or throw something, I've thrown a hairbrush at my wall once or twice. My mum says she also used to throw things when she would get frustrated, so I don't worry about that, but I do worry for myself. The frustration I feel sometimes, it gets too much, I don't know what to do with it. I hate the side of me that gets mad and frustrated at my mom, I know she can't help it. I know that she doesn't have the emotional energy to do it, I understand, I really do, but for a teenager who looks around and sees all these parents who work and can do things with their child(ren) it gets to be so much. 

My friend, M(for privacy), she snapchats her and her going out all the time, she posts /selfies/ with her mom, my mom doesn't get her photo taken anymore. I wish there was something I could say or do for her, I hate she feels that way, she is so beautiful in my eyes yet she does not see that it makes me sad. She and my sister talk about going on weight watchers, it's weird for me to hear about.