HTYLBF » jaeseong

I

I. You find yourself staring at them for longer than ten seconds

My best friend's name is Kim Inseong, and he's the most beautiful person in the world. He doesn't seem to realize it, and every time he puts himself down, I feel it like a needle in my heart. He never seems to hear me when I tell him to stop thinking like that; he just waves my words away as if they're nothing more than empty syllables to be taken for granted.

    But I mean them; I mean them with all of my heart. And he doesn't believe me. If there was anything I could do to show him how amazing and pure and thoughtful he is, I would. In fact, I do. But it's never enough. And it hurts.

    I find myself staring at him all the time. He's the next thing my eyes seek out when school lessons become a chore to pay attention to. Often, he's the only thing I pay attention to in school. Sometimes, my teachers have to tell me to "stop staring at Mr. Kim and pay attention!" We laugh every time, but each time it happens, my laugh becomes more strained. I worry that he'll see right through it someday; that he'll see the truth. I can't let that happen; I don't want to lose him.

    So I stare at him like I'm memorizing his face in case I should ever miss it. He's so pretty that the world seems to quit spinning when I look at him. The Earth realizes that he's a world too - mine. So it steps aside and allows my silly fascination to take over. I lose track of time occasionally, when I look at him. So I've started to count the seconds that go by. While he watches the teacher and copies down notes, my chin is in my hands and I'm watching him.

    Describing this all makes me sound like some kind of stalker. But I'm not - I'm just caught up in a current, and I'm not a strong enough swimmer to get to shore. Besides, even if I was, I'm not sure I would even try.

    One....He glances at the math teacher, a little frown on his face as he looks back down at his notebook. It's angelic, but his smile is even more so.

Two....His pencil scratches away as he tries his best to understand, ever the perfect student. And then there's me. Teachers wonder why his smarts haven't rubbed off on me, seeing as how we're constantly in each others' presence.

Three....I know I should look away, but I don't really want to. He's like a magnet

that my gaze is attracted to.

Four....Besides, it's not my fault that he's so attractive. It only hurts a little bit.

Five....My notebook page remains blank, much like my mind.

Six....Can he feel my eyes on him?

Seven....I hope not.

Eight....Nine....Ten seconds....He glances up at me and smiles. I return the

gesture somewhat weakly, and finally look away, after he does. He never stares at me(because he's normal, that's why). I know his features better than my own. I can pretend that it's because we've been best friends since kindergarten, but I've never been a good actor.

    He's my friend, and nothing more.

    My chest hurts.

    Ten seconds is much too long of a period to dedicate to your best friend, right? I know I'm pathetic and it's a little (or a lot) weird, but I can't help myself.

    I can't help that he's the first thing I see behind my eyelids when I wake up and before I go to bed. I can't help that his smile is what makes my day worthwhile and I certainly can't help that we're together all the time.

    I'm Lee Jaeyoon, and I'm helplessly in love with my best friend.