HTYLBF » jaeseong

VIII

VIII. seeing them automatically makes you smile

That night, my eyes burn. I don't seem to have listened to myself; I want to cry more than anything. But I've already wasted so much on Inseong: energy, thoughts, my heart. I don't need to lose more tears and sleep over him. It's hard, though.

When I wake up the next morning, my pillow is wet and my eyes are puffy and itchy. Despite this, I still smile when I see him at school.

Despite everything, I still smile. Even though he's exhausting and a little part of me that hates myself hates him, too, he still makes me happy. Because I still love him. I've noticed my habitual smiling, but it's become such a natural reaction that I hardly even think about it anymore. People I don't know very well have told me that they want to speak to me more because I look so happy all the time.

If only they knew.

If only they knew that the happiness they saw wasn't my own; that it was more of a chemical reaction than anything going through my mind or my heart. It's like how a sunflower faces the sun, or how the moon pulls at the tides. I can't help it.

Today, I've decided to pay attention to myself more. Not a self-love kind of thing, but a self-awareness kind of thing.

By the end of the day, I hate myself. Why? Because nearly every time I looked at Inseong, I smiled. We're both so stupid. How can he not realize how I feel about him? How can I not realize that I shouldn't feel anything?

My phone rings, and I run over to my backpack and fish it out, because I know it's Inseong.

"Hey," I say, accepting the call. "What's up?"

"Nothing. I just wanted to hear your voice, I guess." He laughs, and I do too because it's infectious.

"You're lying. We both know my voice sounds horrible over the phone. Especially your phone. Now spill," I demand.

"No, I literally have nothing to say. Can we Skype while I do homework? I don't wanna do it."

"Okay," I laugh. Five minutes later, I have my computer opened to Skype. I call Inseong and he accepts immediately. I mentally curse when I smile the second he pops up on my screen.

"Why are you smiling? You're not allowed to be happy while I suffer," Inseong deadpans, then holds up his pile of homework. I groan in sympathy, and he raises a finger gun to his temple and pulls the trigger. I snort and shake my head.

"Do your homework, you nerd," I snicker.

"We both know you're pretending like you don't have math homework. We can suffer together!" He puts his fists up to his cheeks and smiles angelically. I hate my heart for doing a somersault.

"Don't use aegyo on me," I say threateningly, but five minutes later, the call has grown silent as we both pore over our homework. I glance up every now and then to look at his serious profile, pencil scratching away.

Every time, a tiny, somewhat sad smile twists my lips. 

ALKDOEFJLAWKF I FORGOT THAT THESE WERE HERE IM SO SORRY ILL DOUBLE UPDATE FORGIVE MY SINS